-The next day Chris Harrison gathers all the couples and says, “Everything is about to change.” Unless of course any of these people had watched either of the first two seasons of Paradise and realized he said the same thing at the same time on those seasons too. Look, we know how the show works. After the last rose ceremony, the remaining couples must decide how strong they really are and decide if they want to do an overnight date together. There’s nothing trivial about this. Yes, I’m sure you’re asking why they have to decide right then and there when they barely know each other. And you’re right. But that’s the show unfortunately. It’s ridiculous, completely uncalled for, and really makes all the light hearted funnies that they do all season all for naught when you force couples who’ve known each other for two weeks to decide their future together right then, right now. It’s so dumb. From what I hear, it’s basically because they don’t want anything “lingering” post show. The TV show basically says, “You either stay together or break up. We don’t want any vagueness.” Even though they can’t possibly control what the contestants do in their dating life post show, that’s what they want for the TV show. So that’s what we get.
-A lot of people ask me where I would make changes, if any, to these shows and I usually say for the “Bachelor/ette” franchises just to not take themselves so seriously. But that’ll never happen. I think I might have a solution for BIP. Or at least a suggestion. Once we get down to these final couples, why can’t we incorporate a little “Bachelor Pad” into it? Like, I know they want their “prize” at the end of this to be an engagement, but people are pretty indifferent on that now. Especially in a season where we’re gonna get 3 of them tonight. At some point, the law of diminishing returns is gonna set in, and engagements are just gonna get old when you’re passing them out like strip club cards on the Vegas strip. So next year you have, what, FOUR engagements? Isn’t anything less than 3 next season gonna be considered a disappointment to fans?
-So how about at this point when you’re down to your final couples, or hell even possibly earlier (I haven’t fully thought this idea out yet), but you make these couples compete for a prize or something. A trip, some money, a free STD test just something to make the ending of this show more believable and likable other than the “Get engaged or break up. No middle ground” BS we see every season. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see a competition at the end where, yeah, you can still get engaged if you want, but compete in a competition versus the other couples to actually win money or trip ON TOP of getting engaged. Like a nice going away present. Hey, I’d even be down with a “Bachelor” trivia contest. They did it on “Bachelor Pad.” Lets test these people’s knowledge of the show. You obviously like having BIP as a more fun, light hearted show, right? Well you completely throw that out the window the second you get to the end. Having them compete for a prize would at least keep that “we’re not taking ourselves too seriously” thing going.
-How about drunk trivia? I mean, who wouldn’t want to see Lace after 5 vodka/sodas try and remember who came onto the show in week 3? Hell, even go Challenge style and just have drunken contestants try and spell. I would get a kick out of that. Just gimmie something to spice things up here at the end rather than this engagement nonsense after 18 days of filming. Is that asking much? I have no intel on this whatsoever, but I’ve gotta believe that BIP next season will be different. Whether it’s the format, the amount of people coming on, etc, I just think that just like when Nick dropped the bomb on “Bachelor Pad 3” and took all the money, thus rendering any future seasons pretty meaningless since you could never top an ending like that, after 3 engagements tonight, can they really top that in future seasons? I doubt it. And four or five engagements would look incredibly forced. I don’t think many people are buying these three. Do we really think they’ll buy four or five? No way. I hope something is changed and they really do tinker with the show somehow, because this ending just doesn’t work.
-As for the remaining couples, we saw Wells and Ashley “break up” because he basically just met her 17 minutes ago and having an overnight date with her would be completely awkward. Even though Wells was this season’s kissing bandit, and the girls were discussing what he’d be like in bed (Did Jen really ask Ashley during their girl chat if she’d sit on his face?), we knew that was never happening in a million years. Lets be realistic people. Do you honestly think a girl who’s waited 27 years to have sex is gonna give it up on a TV show to a guy she’s been on one date with? Please. The fact they even kept constantly showing this as a possibility was nauseating. We know Ashley’s a virgin. We get it. And we also know that she wouldn’t be dumb enough to lose that virginity on TV.
-After that, the four remaining couples each had a daytime date that was about exciting as watching paint dry. Well, except for Evan and Carly actually got to watch that paint dry…on their bodies.
-Grant and Lace went and got “Grace” tattoos on their body because it’s the logical thing to do with someone who was groping Chad on Day 1 in a drunken stupor, then decided to move on to you when Chad got booted. Not to mention, Grant gets tattoos any time a woman looks at him seductively.
-Nick and Jen went paddle boarding. I’m pretty sure these two will never be pros at it, but then again, I don’t think that’s the paddling with Jen that Nick had in mind. Bow chicka bow bow.
-Josh and Amanda explored the city and played soccer. Wonderful. I couldn’t have been more bored by this if Josh moaned for 10 minutes.
-Evan and Carly did “sex art,” and that was about the most sexually liberating thing Evan has probably ever done with a woman besides the three children he produced. Can we get a tally of how many minutes total it took Evan to conceive three children? Thanks, I appreciate it.
So yep, that’s pretty much it. Tonight you will see the finality of what you’ve known was gonna happen for two months. I’m much more interested in the Nick/Jen dynamic on “After Paradise,” especially after Lauren’s interview and then the US Weekly story about Jen being pissed. Lets hear what she has to say first before jumping to any conclusions. Could make for some good juicy TV tonight.
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