REALITY ROUNDUP - 4/12/06

Let’s get right to it. A very interesting “Idol” last night. My expectations were rather low going in. I mean, Queen? What’s next week? Black Sabbath? Quiet Riot? I just don’t understand on the most watched show on television, you focus all eight songs on a band that really isn’t that popular anymore. They’ve got classic songs, but to choose Queen with only eight contestants left was rather surprising. Onto the show…

AMERICAN IDOL

-The one thing I will say Bucky does better than any of the contestants is switch that microphone from hand to hand. Boy is he good at that. And nothing else. I’ve had just about enough of Bucky. Nice guy, means well, fun at parties, but no business even making the final twelve. Yeeeeeeee-hah!

-The USA Today yesterday had the songs that the contestants were going to sing yesterday morning. The two that jumped out at me were Ace and Kellie. “We Will Rock You”? That’s a chant, not a song. Who thought that was remotely entertaining. To quote Randy in weeks past, “In the end, this is a singing competition.” How can we judge Ace on his singing when he sang about ten seconds of that song. Horrible choice. And he continues to be the most overrated performer on this show. And the one who wears the most blush on his cheek.

-Is there a reason the makeup crew ran amuck with the eyeliner last night. Kellie looked like a drugged out hooker. And for God knows what reason, even Chris got into the act darkening up his eyes. Some of these wardrobe/makeup choices are head scratchers. Chris, you’re a dude. Quit wearing eyeliner.

-One thing going for Ace last night? Some high schooler in the audience had an, “Ace will you go to the prom with me?” sign. Awwwww….how cute. Worst part is, he’ll probably consider it. And enjoy himself. In the backseat of the limo. With a high schooler. Ace is very manly.

-As good of a singer as Chris is, why am I always distracted by the multitude of lights that are flashing behind him all the time? Can we not have that anymore please? I’m going blind just watching him sing. Or maybe its just from punching my clown too much.

-I thought Kellie singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” would be a complete disaster. Especially after seeing Constantine nail it like he did last season. She was in a no-win situation. It wasn’t nearly as good as his, and pretty mediocre if you ask me, but it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. It’s just a song that needs to be sung by a guy. A girl singing that song just doesn’t sound right. What a chauvinistic pig. Woops. Now I’m typing what I think people are saying about me.

-Last week we get Rachel Bilson, this week…..Camryn Manheim? WHAT? Who invited her? She’s not even on a Fox show. Nor was she ever on a Fox show. Boooooooooo. And oh yeah, that dude from the Monkeez was there too. Wow. They really went after the A-listers this week, huh? Can’t wait til’ we see Belinda Carlisle and Susanna Hoffs there next week.

-I enjoyed Katharine last night. She was good. A little slow in the beginning, but when she got going, I really enjoyed myself. And her performance wasn’t bad either.

-No sexual gyrations that would make moms on “Cheerleader Nation” have a nervous breakdown, but Paris did come with the bustier this week. Great. I wonder if Paris’ parents approve of her act up on stage. They will once she comes home with a boyfriend ten years older than her.

CHEERLEADER NATION

-Have you seen this show? It’s on the Lifetime Channel on Friday nights. Pure brilliance. Follows the cheer squad at Dunbar High School in Kentucky as they make their way to Nationals in Florida. I went to a high school in Southern California where cheerleading was big and our squad competed in Nationals every year , so even as a male, even I get a kick out of this show. Can you hang on a second? Thanks…….ok, I’m back. I just had to check to see if I still owned a penis. Still there. Whew.

-Last week the girls had to sell tickets to the winter formal to raise money for their trip. Or something along those lines. I wasn’t paying that close attention to anything other than the spectacle that was watching high school girls shop from formal dresses. Holy sh**. Sometimes I find myself wondering why women are difficult sometimes and this scene pretty much solidified that for me. You realize you people are insane when it comes to shopping for clothes, don’t you? Insane, I say. There’s no other explanation for the behavior that exudes when you’re walking through the bottom floor at Robinson’s May. None. There are very few things I don’t like doing with a woman, but shopping is #1-10 on my list. I’d much rather give myself an enema than shop with you people. I’m sorry.

-We’re in a no-win situation. If you ask our opinion on something, and it differs from yours, you don’t agree with us and create arguments. Then if we say we like something, you say, “You’re just saying that because you want to leave.” Exactly. And then you throw a hissy fit and say we don’t care about your likes and wants and needs and…..AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Sorry. Moment of weakness. Just know to never go shopping with me unless you’re from this planet.

-So “Cheerleader Nation” quite possibly could deserve its own column, that’s how good it is. But I honestly think that if I reviewed that show on a weekly basis, bad things would happen to me. Really bad things. It’s only bad karma. Might as well just tell me to start collecting unemployment since I know the termination from my job would be happening any minute. I can just predict these things.

24

****Quick note: If you haven’t watched this weeks episode and don’t want to be spoiled, do not continue reading*********

-First time I’ve spent any significant amount of time talking about “24”, and for good reason. It’s the best show on television and has been for quite some time. You think my reality TV obsession is bad? Pales in comparison to “24”. Put it this way: I‘ve recently ordered vanity license plates with a “24“ reference on it. See. Told you. Not to mention the hooded sweatshirt, the long sleeve t-shirt, the “CTU” hat, etc. Oh yeah. I raided the online store. It’s a sick obsession I know.

-So Kiefer has signed a three year, eight figure deal through May of 2009 with Fox to remain on as Jack Bauer and start his own production company. Outstanding. Gee, and all this time I thought he was going to die soon. I’ve read a couple interviews where Kiefer expresses that he thinks what attracts people to the show is its real time format and that the show could survive without him. Uhhhh, wrong. The real time aspect is definitely a major role as to why the show is so original and likable, but the minute they kill off Jack Bauer is the minute they lose half their audience. Easy. You can’t replace him, you can’t slowly phase him out, you can’t groom someone else to be the next Jack. No. Sorry. Just let Jack be Jack and kill everyone else around him. Until the last episode of the show when I’m sure Jack will finally meet his maker.

-Whoever thought a weenie like President Logan could mastermind today’s events? Great twist. Nothing in this show will ever compare to Nina turning out to be a mole, but making the leader of the United States the villain was pretty ballsy (Do I need to define “ballsy” for you Kellie?). It’s amazing how they can continue to outdo themselves. Nina being the mole can never be topped just because no one saw it coming, and now going into every season, immediately people start speculating, “Well, which one do you think is the mole?” There’s not one person they could ever shock us with being a villain as much as Nina shocked us. No way. People are looking for it now.

-With the show signed on for another three seasons, I definitely think they’re going to keep around some of the regulars for the time being. Outside of Jack, the only mainstays for even the last two seasons are Chloe, Curtis, Buchanan, Audrey, Pierce, and Mike. I’m guessing Logan will be out of office next season. So that core of seven, which includes Jack, I would think, will be around for a while. And when I say a “while”, it probably means middle of next season when Chloe will probably blow someone away with an uzi. Only in “24”.

-I have a feeling that we’re still in for more twists and turns during these last seven episodes. I think we’ve seen the last of Kim, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Henderson has her holed up somewhere to use as leverage. If she doesn’t come back at all this season, then those two episodes were pretty much a waste. Why’d they even do it? Was it that important to tell us Kim thinks her dad is a walking bad luck charm? Something tells me she’ll make another appearance.

THE OC

-While Season Three has been good, it’s not nearly as good as Seasons One or Two. I mean, how many times are Marissa and Ryan breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together, etc. And why he’d keep going back to her anyway never makes any sense. Those two need to stay away from each other as much as possible. Then I’ll be happy.

-Summer and Seth are over? Really? Yeah. I’m sure they are. For about four or five episodes. You’re crazy if you think they’re keeping those two apart. Hell, they probably have it written into their contracts they must not be broken up for more than 6-8 episodes. Of course, once Adam and Rachel begin to hate each other in real life, then all bets are off.

-I think we need more Taylor Townsend. Did anyone happen to catch her full lace panty and bra picture layout in “Stuff” magazine? Or was it “Maxim”? Or “FHM”? Whatever. I mix all of them up. Great pictorial. Although, I only got to look at it once. The pages got stuck together somehow. Damn…uhhhh….dog.

-We’re back with another exciting edition of “Dear Amy”. This was in todays “Calendar” section of the LA Times….

“I have been married for 20 years and love my husband and children.
I became emotionally involved with a man I work with. We shared intimate details of our lives, and I feel that he listened to me in a way my husband never could.
My husband discovered this relationship and we began marriage counseling. I vowed to him that I would sever this relationship but have found that to be impossible.
I am miserable about continuing to deceive my husband and disappointed in my lack of willpower.
Could this behavior be considered an addiction?

BEWILDERED

An addiction? Sure. You’re addicted to sex with your new man. Here’s my advice: Continue the relationship with the co-worker. Those always work out for the best in the end. The other partner never ends up spreading rumors about you once things finally end. And things never get awkward around the office after you walk by and people start giggling and looking at you. And very rarely does one of you, if not both of you, either get fired or get a new job because working conditions get so uncomfortable. So keep it going. You’re a great mother, a great wife, you deserve to give up the extra nookie on the side. No one thinks you’re an addict at all.
You know, it’s people like this that drive me crazy. Now, even though she didn’t use names, did she ever think for a moment her husband might pick up the paper and read that? Didn’t she just spill that she’s still sleeping with this co-worker while still in marriage counseling?
That’s some vow she made to her husband. What a loyal woman. Hey, where can I find one like her? My favorite line: “He listened to me in a way my husband never could”. Translation: Someone new started paying attention to me so I gave up the ass. Happens all the time, Bewildered. ALL the time.

-Email of the Week: This comes from Kasey F. in Connecticut…

“How can you call yourself Italian if you had no idea how big Italian dinners really were? I’m beginning to wonder about you, Reality Steve. Keep up the good work.”

Well, I am Italian, but I’m not ITALIAN Italian if you know what I mean. Confused? Ok, let’s just say I don’t drive a Camaro, I don’t shower in cologne, I don’t grease my hair back, and I don’t have a piece of jewelry around my neck and on every finger. So basically, I’m unlike any single guy I saw last week in New York. That was frightening. So if any of you have any questions, comments, suggestions, insults, criticisms, inquiries, want my thoughts on Global Warming, need a recipe for Mozzarella Caprese, or just would like your email read, email me at steve@realitysteve.com, and maybe yours will appear in the next edition.

-“Reality Steve Fact”: I eat a footlong tuna sandwich on wheat bread from Subway at least three times a week.



Back next week with a brand new column….

Reality Television Show Links

MY TRIP TO NEW YORK AND REALITY ROUNDUP - 4/10/06

The reason I haven’t written in a week and a half is because last week I was in New York on a family vacation. It was fun. Got to see people I haven’t seen in five years, but it also reminded me about the east coast lifestyle. Wow. I’m a west coast guy. It’s like I’m in another country when I go to the east coast to visit family. A few things about my trip:

-I forgot how real Italian family dinners are served. Last Saturday night was my Grandma’s 85th birthday. And I don’t think I’ve eaten that much in my whole life. Once I got there, the buffet was spread out. So when I see a buffet, I start pigging out. Unbeknownst to me, this was the first course in what seemed like about a 12 course meal. The party started at 7, and the main course didn’t come til 10. In between that time, I put myself in a food coma. When you’re salad is like the fourth thing that appears at your table, you know you’re in for a big meal. I wasn’t prepared.

-Riding the subway was fun. Especially asking the guy behind the counter questions about our ticket. What a nice gentleman he was. I’m sure he loves his job. He sure acts like it. All we wanted to do was go see Ground Zero and this jackass was acting like we were asking him to split the atom. Then again, if I was stuck in a little box all day, I probably wouldn’t be the nicest person either.

-When you live in New York City and you want to go on a date into the city, do you just take a cab, or train, or do you risk your life and drive yourself? I know I’m not used to it, but I know there’s no way I’d ever want to drive on the same street as those taxis. Why do they even paint lines on the street? These people clearly create their own lanes. And God forbid any of them even know what the brake is. Driving in a taxi in downtown is a whole experience in itself. And one that I wouldn’t suggest to anyone not from there. How there isn’t an accident every five minutes is beyond me.

-One highlight of the weekend was going to the Rangers hockey game on Tuesday night. Why? Not necessarily because I’m a big hockey fan, but because of who sang the national anthem. Becky O’Donahue, the hottie from this season of “American Idol” who’s a New York native, sang the anthem. We all remember her. Got booted for singing that Pat Benatar song, has a twin sister she did Maxim with three years ago, etc. But what really made it special was when halfway through, a true New Yorker yelled at the top of his lungs, “Show your tits!” For the last half of the anthem, the crowd was cheering like crazy for her. You had to be there.

-And that night, I wore my “24” shirt in honor of President Logan, and got two compliments on it. One woman in the gift shop told me I “must be trouble.” I am lady. Don’t mess with me. I’ve got CTU running through my blood. Don’t come near me or I might have to thrash you. Or not. Oh yeah, the Rangers won in a shootout.

-Sports are just a different animal on the east coast. Out here, people only cheer when something good happens, if they decide to cheer at all. Those New Yorkers were into that game from the time they first dropped the puck. These two Vinnie’s sitting in front of me were arguing all third period about which Ranger line should’ve been out there. Huh? What? Not even being a Ranger, or hockey fan for that matter, I got a kick out of it. And after the game, any fan wearing a Flyer jersey was continuously heckled by Ranger fans. Quite amusing.

-Flight home was interesting. A six hour flight was made into eight hours when we had to sit on the runway for an extra two. First they told us they were doing plane maintenance. Then after an hour, I kid you not, the pilot comes on and says, “The maintenance has been taken care of, but since our plane is already delayed, they’re letting the planes that are scheduled to leave on time take off, so we have to wait for them.” Are you kidding me? I’d rather you lie and tell me you’re still working on the plane. So basically we waited another hour because, well, we were already late, so let’s make them even later. Great logic.

-How my 21 month old niece lasted 8 hours on a plane is still a miracle to me, especially considering Olivia only slept for two of the eight hours we were on it. She had two crying/screaming fits in eight hours, which I consider pretty good. About halfway through, when the battery went out on her “Baby Einstein” DVD, it was not good times. She good a real good cry and scream in for about 5 minutes. Then for about ten minutes as we were starting our descent, her ears started hurting, and that was a good solid 10 minutes of “Ma MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!”, while holding her ears. But what can you do?

-Also on this trip, for the first time my niece started calling me by name. Sort of. She doesn’t say “Uncle Stephen” yet. But she does call me “Ti Ti.” We think she’s trying to say, “Steve Steve”, but we’re not sure. For all I know, she's just babbling. But I am now recognized as “Ti Ti”. I’ll take what I can get. And yes, Olivia still thinks her name is “Eeee-I-O” from Old McDonald. “Where’s Olivia?” She points to herself. “What’s your name?” It’s “Eeee-I-O.” I don’t get it either.

Ok, enough about my trip. I could go on, but it’s getting late and I definitely need to talk about some shows here. So of course, let’s begin with my favorite….

AMERICAN IDOL

-Forgot to tell you, two Wednesdays ago, I was admitted to the local hospital around 9:20 after suffering mild heart failure. Yeah, ironically enough, it coincided with Katharine falling into the final two with Lisa. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t lose to her, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I was so nervous for something so meaningless. Wow. But I’ve got the defibrillator now and everything’s cool. The doctor said I just need to hook it up if I see Katharine in the final three again. Or if she’s half naked on stage.

-I’m glad Simon finally said what I’ve thought about Bucky all along: I can’t understand a word he says when talks or sings. Yet of course, that same week, he avoids the final three. That’s two weeks in a row he’s avoided it. Please. At least Kevin’s gone now. But Bucky cannot possibly stay much longer can he?

-I have no idea how promiscuous Paris Bennett is, but if we’re gonna judge that by the songs she sings, I’m willing to say she’s been around the block. C’mon. Doesn’t anyone else get the least bit uncomfortable when this little sweet innocent 17 year old is gyrating around on stage singing, “Brotha’s gonna work it out”? I’m sure pedophiles across the land are salivating over her performances.

-I don’t get the Elliott craze. He definitely doesn’t have the look, but I think he’s just an average singer. The guy’s more of a rapper than a singer. Did you catch the hooded sweatshirt act a couple weeks ago when he sang, “I Don’t Wanna Be”? Please. Leave that song to Bo. I thought Elliott’s version was mediocre at best. Simon might want to take back that “You have the potential to be the best male vocalist we’ve ever had.” Uhhhh, no.

-Commerical. Sorry. But this one has to be addressed. Do you know what the slogan is for “Always”, you know, that women’s hygiene product? Ummmm, it’s “Have a happy period.” That’s just wrong. More importantly, it’s factually incorrect. There isn’t a woman in America who’s capable of having a happy period. It’s never been done. Ever. False advertising and “Always” should be sued. I’ve stated my case. Moving on…

-When did Kenny Rogers shave his big white beard? Why wasn’t I notified about this? I knew he had plastic surgery, but no more “Gambler/Islands in the Stream” hefty white beard anymore? Boooooooooo. That was like the worst part of Tuesday night’s show. That and everyone trying to sing country. Whoa that was bad. Only Katharine’s was acceptable cuz’ she tried to sex it up. Uh huh. Work it girl. Word. You aw-ite. Skeet skeet. Holla. Now I’m speaking in dialect suited for 16 year old white kids wanting to be black. I‘m truly sorry.

-So Rachel Bilson is really an “American Idol” fan enough to attend the Tuesday performances? Has nothing to do with her show also being on Fox, does it? Of course not. Well, as long as there into cross-promotion, can we possibly get a Keifer sighting tomorrow night? Maybe he’s a real big fan of Bucky’s? Or not. If Keifer Sutherland was ever spotted at an “American Idol” show, I think Audrey Raines just might have to shoot him.

-Paula’s name is in the news yet again. Apparently got shoved into a wall at a recent party and she’s filing a complaint with the police. Are we sure she was shoved and didn’t just stumble into a wall after she mixed her pills with red bull and vodka? Whatever the case, I’m sure it’ll all turn out for the best for Paula. Always does. Hey, “Idol” just gave her a 3 year contract extension one day after reports came out they were on the verge of firing her. What her appeal is besides being a MILF I have no idea. Even though she doesn’t have kids, she’s still a MILF. But only so many times can she tell every single singer how much of an inspiration they are.

-Saw where Ace went back to singing like a chick and breathing all his lyrics last week. I guess if he does that every week, he can avoid the bottom three. He is trying waaaaaay too hard and frankly, he’s not really that good of a singer. He won’t make the final four.

-I guess Kellie was in her element last week singing country. I didn’t particularly care for her performance though. I thought she was more in her element with her breasts hanging out of her red top. Whoever does the wardrobe for the show deserves a raise after last week. Yowza. Anytime Kellie wants to wear that top again, I’m all for it. In fact, that should be the top she wears every week from here on out. With nothing else. Except high black boots. Sorry.

-So this week we get performances of “Queen” songs. Well, let’s just hope Chris isn’t dumb enough to try and match Constantine’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” from last season. I’m sure he will though. He likes copying what other people do.

-You notice how this season, Seacrest Out doesn’t say “Seacrest Out” anymore? I’m sure that has nothing to do with his sexuality either. And Simon dropping the “Desperate Housewives” line on him last week was classic. Of course Seacrest Out got so flustered, all he could come back with was ripping the color of Simon’s shirt. Uhhh, Ryan, in case you haven’t noticed, Simon only wears four colors of tight fitting shirts: Light blue, cream, gray, and black. That’s it.

-They are definitely listening to the message boards and what not on the show. Two weeks ago, they made it a point that Chris acknowledged his performance of “Walk the Line” or whatever song that was was from the band “Live’s” album. Then last week, they straight up ask Kellie if her dumb blonde routine is genuine or if its an act. I guess us internet people do have influence. Hey Ryan, how about this week you ask Ace if he’s still boinking his co-star from that bad UPN show he was on?

SURVIVOR

-Thursday was the classic bait and switch by the “Survivor”editors. In efforts not to make us think the old La Mina tribe isn't getting picked off one by one, they show us Terry trying to recruit Bruce and Danielle only to have us thinking the whole time that Danielle will go through with it. Made perfect sense for her to do it and, of course, she ended up not doing it. And why didn’t she go along with that plan?

-At the beginning of the season, I didn't like Danielle. But the more tight boob shots of her we get, the more I like her. That’s not very shallow at all, is it? Didn’t think so.

-Has Terry become this season's Tom? I say no only because, I don't think there's anyone left on the island that can even remotely compete with Terry. At least Tom had some competition I remember. But terry's still been impressive nonetheless. I can't imagine him losing any physical immunity challenge the rest of the way.

-Why do I not see a final four of Aras, Shane, Courtney, and Cirie? Other than the fact that Terry is pretty much guaranteed final four status because of the idol. I think it’s safe enough for Casaya to start picking off a few of their own if they want. But leave Danielle and her bikini for the time being.

-I thought the season could've really taken a major turn for the better on Thursday if Bruce and Danielle jump ship. And the immunity idol from Exile island really puts some interesting strategy into the game. Too bad we haven't seen it happen yet. It's turning out to be a dud.

-I love how Danielle and Austin formed such a tight bond on Exile island last week, that when she had a chance to not only advance herself in the game, but keep Austin around, that bond basically was worth nothing and she booted him off. Yet another bit of tricky editing by the producers.

REAL WORLD: KEY WEST

-The more I watch this show, the more I find myself asking the same questions every week: “Ok, which RW/RR veteran is gonna be the first to drill Svetlana when she goes on the next Gauntlet/Inferno/Battle of the Sexes?” Since the Miz is no longer an option and has begun his wrestling career, my money’s on Alton. Wes will try and will get denied quicker than you can say “No game”. Landon and MJ seem to be too into each other to go after her. Derrick is psychotic. Randy has no balls anymore. And Mark is like 50 and allegedly retiring from these competitions. Who does that leave? The superhuman Alton, that’s who.

-I can’t believe “Key West” just basically gave us back-to-back episodes of Svetlana pouting because she’s not the manager of their tanning store. That was literally the only storyline for the last hour of shows. Was the cast that boring they couldn’t come up with something better? How about Svetlana in another screaming match with her boyfriend? Or maybe Zach taking a trip to the barber to get that mop trimmed up a bit? Or maybe have Janelle….oh wait, they don’t like putting Janelle on camera apparently.

-So now this week I guess we find out that Paula was beaten by an ex-boyfriend. Not raped, but beaten. Great. So Svetlana was raped, Paula’s been beaten….can’t wait to hear what happened to Janelle in her past. Raped AND beaten? That’s my guess. I’m not making fun, I’m just saying I’d like for them to JUST ONCE, pick a normal female for this show. Is that asking too much? Straight A student, isn’t a slut but isn’t a prude either, doesn’t have relationship issues, maybe a valedictorian of her college, someone who’s really going places in life. Then again, if there was someone like that, what would they possibly be doing even auditioning for this show?

-This season will start to get real saucy once Svetlana dumps her boyfriend, doesn’t look worried 24 hours out of the day, stops crying, and just lets loose like we all know she wants to. I don’t think there’s been another female in the history of this show that the male audience has found more intriguing than Svetlana. And I can guarantee you every single one of them feels the same way I do. That chick needs to loosen up and quick.

APPRENTICE

-Is this show for real? I mean, I realize it’s on its last legs, but this is getting pathetic. It’s kind of hard to take this show seriously anymore when all they’re doing is casting nut jobs with barely any qualifications just to draw interest. I don’t care if Brent is an attorney or not, there’s no way you could convince he was cast for any other reason than he was a complete mess and people would laugh at him. We’re expected to believe these are the most 16 qualified people out of thousands who applied? Please.

-And why so much Bill Rancic this season? My God, did Trump adopt him or something? We get one shot of Kenra kissing Trump, and no sign of Kelly or Randall. Did these people already quit? And speaking of quitting, I thought I read a year ago that Bill was leaving Trump’s company to go out on his own again. Guess not. Trump must’ve given him a bigger cubicle or something.

-So our four winners have been two white males, a white female, and a black male. Things are looking up for Roxanne this season then. Especially after she won that last task. So I’ll go with her. Or that little English fella’. Sean I think his name is. Trump seems to like him.

-I can’t wait til Sean put the moves on the little blondie and gets in her pants. Trump will love that. He’s always been big on the contestants trying to get dirty with each other. And based off everything we’ve seen about Sean, he’ll stop at nothing to try and get laid while on the show.

-I said it last season, and I’ll say it again. They need to eliminate any tasks that asks these nitwits to come up with song lyrics. Period. End of story. Let’s just put an end to that altogether. Its frightening really. Lenny doesn’t know what a jingle is? I could’ve sworn Lenny once tried to swindle me into buying a car I had no interest in buying.

-"Reality Steve Fact": Last Wednesday, an hour before we left for the airport, it started snowing. That was the first time in my life I'd ever seen snowfall.




New column coming Wednesday……

Reality Television Show Links

REALITY ROUNDUP - 3/27/06

-Quite a few shows to get to. I’m gonna go back a few weeks here first off, and talk about our two favorite “Dancing/Skating with Whomever” shows. Boy those were fun. So many long hours they put in. So much time they spent away from their families. So much hard work. For what? Please tell me Kristy Swanson and Drew Lachey won something other than a big Ice sculpture and some glass dancing shoe or whatever it was. Are you kidding me? No money goes to charity? Not a gift certificate to Best Buy or something for their efforts? Geesh. That’s brutal.

SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES

-A truly great show. Who doesn’t want to see Dave Coulier be not funny? And I mean, what were the odds that Todd Bridges “What chu talkin’ bout judge? I mean really. 1 in a million? 2 million? Hilarious stuff. If I only would’ve seen it coming. That was totally out of left field. When I think ice skating from now on, I’ll think Todd Bridges. Such a natural. I wonder if he ever tried a triple lutz while he was cracked out? I think your score would have to count for double if you landed it, right?

-By far, the best story to come out of “Skating With Celebrities” was the Lloyd Eisler ended up leaving his pregnant wife for his partner, Kristy Swanson. I’m sure wifey feels real good about that decision. Lloyd: “Honey, I know we have a baby on the way, but I’m gonna go on this skating reality show for fun.” Wife: “Sure Lloyd. Who’s your partner?” Lloyd: “The chick who played “Buffy” in the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” movies.” Wife: “Really. She seems nice.” (Two months later) Lloyd: “Yeah, honey. Name the kid for me would ya’. Kristy and I really became close after all those times I held her crotch when she was above my head. I’m leaving you. See ya. And by the way, we won.” Lloyd Eisler is a great guy.

-We can now throw Dorothy Hamil into the MILF category. Is she a mom? She’s got to be. Well, whatever the case, if she’s not, just throw her into the “Older ice skating ladies that get me excited” category along with Katarina Witt, Peggy Fleming, and Tonya Harding. I’m kidding about Harding. Have you seen her lately? She’s easily pushing 3 bills and could probably kick all our asses with her pinky. Yet another who’s career has really skyrocketed after her 15 minutes were up. Wow.

-I love how all these shows which have a panel of judges, always tries to incorporate someone that’s a Simon Cowell ripoff. This shows was Mr. John Nicks. Uhhhhh, not quite buddy. Although judging this show, as well as “Dancing with the Stars” is a bit different because essentially you’re taking people who’ve never done this before and they’re learning from scratch. “Idol” is different. Those people have sung before and some have more extensive backgrounds, so Simon can be a little more truthful and get away with it.

-So you’re telling me Jillian Barberie had never ice skated before in her life? Please. Yes she had. From the beginning, you could tell she was way more skilled than the others. She just happened to fall on her ass during her final routine, whereas Kristy and her boyfriend, well, they managed to have intercourse while they skated, so that’s what gave them the title. I think.

-All in all, a great show that needs to be brought back for a 2nd season. Pleeeeeeeease. Here’s the six people I would choose for no reason other than I’d like to see them appear on my television again: James Van Der Beek, Soleil Moon Frye, Mr. Belding, Judith Light, for my Olympian I’ll go with Carl Lewis, and last but not least, let’s get Tracy Gold out there. Those are the six most random people I could come up with. Ok, actually I just thought of five old TV shows I watched and casted accordingly. “Dawson’s Creek”, “Punky Brewster”, “Saved by the Bell”, “Who’s the Boss?”, and “Growing Pains”.

DANCING WITH THE STARS

-Let’s make one thing perfectly clear: Stacy Keibler had no business losing to Jerry Rice. You could make the argument she didn’t beat Drew, but losing to Jerry was embarrassing. C’mon America. I mean really. Jerry tried, Jerry gave 100%, and Jerry took it seriously, but this is Stacy we’re talking about. The amazon with 42” inch legs. She should’ve won just on legs alone. Wow. Do you know how many times while watching her dance that I….forget it.

-Now it did seem to me that having Drew and Stacy in this competition to begin with was a little unfair. Obviously the other eight had never danced a step in their lives before for the most part. But Stacy admitted to growing up taking all types of classes, whereas Drew was in a boy band. I understand it’s not the same as ballroom dancing, but it still made it an uneven field. Whatever. As long as Stacy stuck around, the hell with the others. Especially P.

-Now I know Master P was a late substitute for his son Bow Wow, but that was ridiculous. At least give an effort. And wear some dancing shoes. And take off your hat. What was the big deal with P not wearing dancing shoes? Would his boys think he sold out if he wore the shoes? And why did P keep telling us he was doing the show for the Katrina victims? What did they get out of this? Laughter? Where that came from I have no idea. Was he donating those awful outfits he wore to them? Maybe there was some behing-the-scenes Ebay bidding I wasn’t aware of. Who knows?

-Yet another show with judges that tries to incorporate the Simon Cowell ripoff, except Bruno is twice as gay as Simon. So that didn’t work. And all his lines were scripted out beforehand. Stacy is a “weapon of mass seduction”? Yeah, you thought of that right off the top of your head. And he liked screaming and talking over the old guy and the hot asian chick. She’s asian, right? All I know is she was a fly girl on “In Living Color” back in the day. Watch some of the old ones on BET. You’ll see her on there. The florescent biker pants, the teased bangs, incorporating the running man or the roger rabbit into every routine. That was her.

-I can only imagine our next crop of contestants they’ll choose for this show. And trust me, this show’s gonna go on forever. Why wouldn’t it? People love this stuff. Remember, here’s something you gotta remember when it comes to television and demographics. Time and time again it’s been shown that women are the target audience when it comes to television. And women love this show. I mean, if I were a woman, why wouldn’t I get all excited about Louis Van Amstel tip toeing around the stage? Or having Tony Dobilati prancing around in skin tight pants?

THE GAUNTLET 2

-I’ve been pretty disappointed in this season. Honestly, outside of Anessa and Beth almost coming to blows if they ever would’ve had a gauntlet matchup, has there been any drama this season? Here’s this season in a nutshell: When the veterans lose the male challenge, Derrick beats somebody’s ass in the Gauntlet. If the rookies lose the male challenge, Alton puts a 100%, grade A beat down on whoever he faces. Kina will remain captain because the world might come to an end if she can’t spend every living breathing second with Randy. And the veterans female captain is a lesbian. What else has really happened?

-Are we surprised the rookies have won this much thus far? I’m not. They have Alton who might be the most ripped reality TV person we’ve ever seen. Holy smokes. Has the guy eaten a burger and fries since “Real World: Las Vegas” ended? My god Alton. Its ok to eat things that aren’t organic or that aren’t leaves and berries. Have a Big Mac why don’t you.

-Questions: Who is TJ Lavin? What does he do for a living? Does he ever get excited over anything? For that matter, what do all these “Real World/Road Rules” contestants do for a living? Have Robin’s breasts grown since “Real World: San Diego”? When did Kina become the hottest chick out there without me knowing? Is there a reason I interviewed Katie Doyle right after she got back from filming and she’s pretty much been nowhere to be seen the whole season? Is it safe to say Derrick might be a violent drunk? Is Mark going to compete in this until he’s 40 or 50? Why does everyone always have to clap after TJ says, “….in beautiful Trinidad and Tobago?” Is there ever going to be a moment on MTV where a Gauntlet/Battle of the Sexes/Inferno show will NOT be airing at some point? That should be enough for now.

-My pick for the finale is the rookies. They have Alton. Enough said. And oh yeah, MJ and Landon have matching tattoos on their chest. That’s got to account for something. And Randy and Kina probably did it every night they were there while others watched or joined in. I understand that really has nothing to do with why they’d win, but I just thought I’d throw that in there. Go rookies.

REAL WORLD: KEY WEST

-Quite an interesting cast thus far. Not interesting as in “different”. Heck, every cast of “Real World” is essentially the same. I just mean to say what we’ve found out about each one thus far. The “Real World” casting directors never cease to amaze me. Raise your hand, anyone, if you were the least bit shocked to find out Svetlana was raped by a former boyfriend. Anyone? Anyone? Didn’t think so. Now, hearing Svetlana say she’s only seen one penis in her life during an episode, now THAT was shocking. Sure you have Svetlana. Sure you have.

-If you’ve seen one Svetlana, you’ve seen a thousand of them. Beautiful girl, good body, naïve, emotional issues with men, has a boyfriend she thinks she’s in love with, they argue all the time, she’s always crying over him, yet she stays with him. Not that there’s a chance in hell her relationship with him lasts, but it really makes me want to throw my remote at the television when I hear her talking to her boyfriend. Just shutup already and dump him. You know it’s not going anywhere. Quit fooling yourself and start whoreing yourself out to guys in Florida. That’s what you were cast for anyway. Not to be some stuck up priss who talks to her boyfriend every night. Man this is infuriating.

-Especially since the chances of Paula getting hot and heavy with anyone are slim and none. No need to joke on her eating disorder since, well, there isn’t much to joke about. For our sake though, let’s just hope we get less and less bikini shots of her and more of her in XXL sweaters and pajama bottoms.

-I’d really like to know why we know nothing about Janelle at this point. Other than her and the gay guy are best friends already since they’re the outcasts. Maybe her storyline comes later since we had to out the anorexic one and the girl who was once raped. And what’s with Tyler? He’s just got a mouth that won’t stop. I mean, I’m sure his boyfriends love that, but can we put a muzzle on him for the time being? Something tells me that since he and Svetlana hate each other now, they’ll end up loving each other by the end of the show. And maybe he’ll learn to shutup.

-What’s crazy haired guys name again? I already forgot. I know John is the frat boy/ladies man/resident drunk who is in the mold of a Wes from “Austin”. Except I have a feeling John will pull much more quality ass than Wes ever did. Starting with Svetlana. Please. You know that’s happening. The minute Martin blows another gasket on the phone to Svetlana and she starts crying, one of these nights she’s heading straight to the bar, getting plastered, coming home, and riding John til the wee hours of the morning. Count on it. Then she’ll forgive Martin for treating her like crap AGAIN, and things will be awkward with her and John. You watch.

-What’s the point of even giving these casts jobs? Seriously. They work at a freakin’ tanning booth? Notice how the jobs have gotten progressively easier over the seasons. In New Orleans, they had to put on a weekly on a public service channel. In Key West, they’re spraying each other down with fake tans. Sounds real tough. Where do I sign up? There have never been any serious consequences for anyone at the job where something drastic happened. So why give them one? To make it just SEEM like it’s not a four month vacation even though we know it is?

-Email of the Week: This comes from Angela M., she writes:

How come you don’t include the “Dear Abby” letters in your column anymore? I loved those! Bring those back.

You know what? I probably should. Those were fun. The only problem is, I never know when a new column is going up, and sometimes I have to remember to save the paper that I found them in. Usually I just throw it out after I’m finished eating my El Pollo Loco. But I’ll try to remember in the future. Anyone else have questions, comments, trivia, criticisms, praises, would like me to babysit, or would just like me to make you a nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich (grape, of course), email me at steve@realitysteve.com and maybe I’ll use your email in the next column.

-“Reality Steve Fact”: I exfoliate every morning.



-New column on Friday to include “Survivor”, the “Apprentice”, “American Idol”, “8th and Ocean”, and will probably hit on “24” and the “OC” as well. Until then….

Reality Television Show Links

Skating With Celebrities Links

Dancing With the Stars Links

The Gauntlet Links

Real World: Key West Links

REALITY ROUNDUP - 3/22/06

-So it's been a while. Got a lot of shows to cover here. And boy is there some good crap on television right now. Quality crap. Crap for your dining pleasure. We basically have a smorgasbord (I don't care if I didn't spell that right. I'm not Swedish) of good/bad television currently in progress. If it's not too late, maybe at the end of the column, I'll add my two cents about the few non-reality shows that I watch. But right now, let’s just start with my favorite.

-Some good news in my life right off the bat. I have a new girlfriend. I've never talked about previous girlfriends in this column for the sole reason that, well, I just didn't feel any of you cared who I was dating. And I've only had one since I started writing this column anyway. You didn't know her, so what was the point? However, this new girl, I can't stop gushing about and some of you have probably heard of her. Rather young for me, but when I first saw her, I had a feeling she could be the one. I'm only running into one problem right now and I was seeing if I could get some help on this. She has no idea who I am. Ok, I'll admit it. I have the McPhee-ver. Yes, Katharine McPhee is my newest crush. So if one of you could please relay onto her there's someone ten years older than her looking to take her out for pizza, I'd appreciate it. I mean, she's an L.A. girl, she likes "American Idol", she's barely 21, she's a great singer, what's not to like? I'm smitten right now. Like a kitten. Or a dog in heat. The McPhee-ver is running through my Mc-pants all Mc-day and I can't Mc-help myself.

AMERICAN IDOL

-I think last night was my favorite performance. Why? Well, you know at the beginning of the song when she said she’d be singing it for “someone that America won’t know about”? Sorry to break the news to everyone. It was for me. I think. At least that’s what I convinced myself of. No doubt if she’s not in the final three, I demand an internal investigation. That I’ll head up. I will need some definite one-on-one alone time with Ms. McPhee to get to the bottom of this. Thirty seconds is all I need. Maybe a minute. Or five. Depends how tired I am. Anyway, let’s just say she’s my favorite contestant in five seasons of the show. And she appeared in my dream two nights ago that involved her cellphone, In-and-Out Burger, Jack Bauer, and The Standard Hotel in downtown L.A. Don’t ask. It was all very bizarre. But enjoyable.

-I did something last week I've never done in four seasons of watching "American Idol". I voted. I got home late on Tuesday, so I didn't finish watching until 10:30, but I'll be damned if I didn't hit redial five times in a row for Ms. McPhee. And I voted for Taylor. That's about it. Five times for each of them. I probably could've done more, but I figured voting ten times was enough to fill my dork status for the night.

-Since I never covered any of the auditions, or when the twenty-four contestants were cut down to twelve, I'll just say this about the final twelve: I agreed with nine of the twelve. I thought five of the six girls that made it were correct, but I thought Gedeon and Will would make it over Kevin and Bucky.

-I'm sorry. Kevin's a great story and all with his Type 1 diabetes that he suffers from (as does Elliot), the fact that Paula wants to squish him every show, but once again, Simon continues to be the voice of reason on this show. The kid is not even close to being on the level as some of the other singers. Could we get a little range in his voice? Every stinkin' song is sung exactly the same. The fact he wasn't the first one gone makes me think he might be this season's Scott Savol. Except he never beat up a past girlfriend. As far as we know. I'm sure thesmokinggun.com will get right on that.

-As for Bucky, once again, another nice guy, could use a little dental work, and might want to pick up a "Hooked on Phonics" book while he's in L.A., but he just seems like the guy you see leading the crowd on Karaoke night. Great karaoke singer. Not good enough for this competition. And probably the more shocking news of the season came last week when Bucky told us he never owned a Stevie Wonder album growing up. Really, Bucky? You don’t say? Surprising. Because when I look at you, the first word that comes to mind is “soul”. Then “dentist” is second.

-Now, I'm not saying Gedeon or Will had a chance to win this thing, because they didn't, I just thought they'd make it over those two. Gedeon for the fact that, although he was definitely weird (what was with those pre recorded videos? Was he reading his cue cards the whole time?) and sang songs only my parents had probably heard before, he was unique. And usually, people vote for unique. Except this season. And Will I just figured would get in because the twelve and thirteen year old girls who watch this show (besides me), would vote him in.

-Elliott intrigues me. Has an interesting story, can sing pretty good, the judges seem to like him, but there's one problem. He looks like one of the Muppets. And good thing he got rid of that Abe Lincoln beard. Bad look dude. I also look at Elliott a lot and think, "He looks like he should be in a boxing ring sparring with someone." Just doesn't have that look I think America will choose. He and Bucky seem to be on the same dental plan. But hey, I've been wrong before. Not very often, but it happens on occasion.

-Rumors are circulating that the stylists for "American Idol" are going to darken Taylor's hair, week by week. So by the finale, I guess, he won't look like the poster boy for "Just for Men". I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing or a bad thing for him. Taylors appeal seems to be his full head of gray hair. And his crazy gyrations on the stage that make Elaine from "Seinfeld" look like Paula Abdul. Whatever the case, I hope he lasts. I think he's one of the few guys ever in this competition that people openly root for. Not much to dislike about him.

-I think the smartest person in the whole competition is Kellie Pickler. Calm down. Let me explain. Smart as in "She'd get a 1400 on her SAT's"? No. She's smart in the fact that she's turned all the attention away from her singing skills and focused it on the pre and post performance acts. She's playing the uncultured, billie', I-don't-know-nuthin' role perfectly. Hell, Simon wants to bone her. Very, very likable and she knows exactly what she's doing up there. Let's face it, there are about 5 or 6 people in the competition that are better singers than her and she's probably going to outlast most of them.

-Ace Young is the Matthew McConaughey of this competition. You notice how every recent Matthew McConaughey movie now is about women, or relationships, or catering to the female audience? There's a reason why he's voted "Sexiest Man Alive" and women adore him. He makes movies tailored to them for the most part. "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"? "Failure to Launch"? Please Matthew. Enough. We get it. You're good looking, you know it, and you want even more women dropping their pants for you. Stop it already. The rest of us have no chance when you keep making these chick flicks. You're putting us in an impossible position. See, that's Ace. Singing "Father Figure", “In the Still of the Night”, glaring into the camera, "mmmmm"-ing and breathing all his songs. He knows exactly what vote he's after. Can't blame him though. Smart guy.

-One thing that disturbed me a couple weeks ago was Ayla getting bounced in favor of Melissa. What was that all about? Ayla was a much better singer, definitely more likable, and I thought it would've been cool to have some 6'5" amazon chick win this thing. Or at least last a few rounds. What was that? Oh, her camouflage khaki Capri pants didn't do it for you? Uhhhh, yeah me neither. Cute girl, but not a great choice of outfits that last night she was on. I'll miss her though. Especially since she plays basketball. I’d take her anyday.

-Kinnik Skye left us also. Not really much to say about her except that Eddie Murphy was probably a huge fan of hers. And her name is a palindrome. I guess she could brag about that.

-You ever watched when the camera pans to the families trying to sing along or clap along with the songs. Half these parents wouldn’t know a beat if it slapped them across the face. Sway’s parents in the first week couldn’t have been more offbeat if they were deaf. In fact, I was deaf after his performance singing that song like a girl. Too much. Way over the top. I thought he’d get canned in the first week for that.

-As for last night, a few observations:

-Barry Manilow looks like either Siegfried or Roy. Don’t know which one is which. Which one was eaten by the lion? He looks like him. Barry can sing his ass off man. He’s been around forever singing every song known to mankind. But damn is he a weird lookin’ dude. Kinda freaky.

-Paula called Mandisa a “thoroughbred”. Ouch. Bet she wishes she had that one back.

-A 17 year old Paris singing “Fever”, and trying to be all hot and sexy just didn’t do it for me. Too impossible to believe. Now if, I don’t know, Katharine were to have sung that song, I might’ve had to pull the blanket up over me. Even though I was alone. Sort of. As the sign in the crowd last night said, “Call a doctor, I have the McPhee-ver”. I’m burning up. And the only prescription is more cowbell.

-As much as I like Taylor, Simon was dead on about his performance last night. He had fun, it was enjoyable, he definitely entertains every single week, but was there any other lyrics in that song other than “Not Fade Away”? He must’ve repeated that twenty times. Doesn’t matter. He’s not going home anytime soon.

-I thought this show had stylists who worked on these people? I mean, someone had to tape Katharine’s breasts down last night, right? Well, couldn’t that same person have picked out a better outfit for Kevin? Good lord. The poor kid had on a polo shirt with a pair of Dockers. Was he modeling for a Mervyn’s catalog before taking the stage? Horrible.

-Nice of Elliott to tell the whole world “yeah, I pretty much wasn’t a fan of Barry’s work” before meeting Mr. Manilow. I mean, you can feel that way, but probably not a good idea to tell 40 million people that. What’s the point? Just say, “I didn’t know much about his music, he really helped me, and I had a great time”. And if someone can please tell me the name of the Muppet he looks like, I’d really appreciate it. Beeker, maybe?

-Simon recently told an interviewer he thinks the final three will be Chris, Taylor, and Kellie. Hmmmmmm….Chris and Taylor I get. And Kellie will be around a while. But I think we need to squeeze Katharine in there. My final four right now is Chris, Taylor, Katharine, and Mandisa. I think the bottom three tonight will be Bucky, Kevin, and Lisa. With Bucky or Kevin going home. They’re not even in the same league as some of the others. But I’m sure America will rally around the ones that Simon hates and put them through.

New column coming this Monday covering all other shows.....

Sirlinksalot.net: Television News

American Idol Links

"THE BACHELOR" FINALE RECAP - 2/27/06

-Usually for the finale, I don’t do a normal column. Especially when it’s two hours, a lot of it is recapping previous dates and what not, and frankly, I just don’t give a damn anymore and I’m glad it’s over. No different this year. So considering I fast forwarded through all commercials, and even fast forwarded through some parts of the show, I saw enough of last night to get the gist of what happened. One question: Is Moana still crying? Holy Christ. Someone get her a box of Kleenex. Or twenty. Now, I am not one to trample on someone else’s emotions because God knows I’ve had my heart broken before, and recently nonetheless, but geez. Moana was by far the most devastated loser we’ve ever had in the finals of this show. Just when I thought they’d cut away from her screaming her head off in the limo, they kept showing more. And not that him picking Sarah was some shocking revelation either. Moana couldn’t have said it any better in between sniffles when she was in the limo. “The good girls always win. Guys like him don’t go for girls like me.“ Yep. Pretty dead on with that assessment. So anyway, here’s a condensed version of what happened last night….

-You know it’s gonna be a long show when they spend seven minutes recapping Sarah and Moana’s journey throughout this whole mess and THEN go to a commercial break. It was 9:12 before we got any original footage. They do that for every two hour finale. And it sucks. It’s just basically screaming out, “Yeah, we’ve got 120 minutes to kill so get used to it. We’re gonna show a lot of stuff we already have, we’re gonna go to commercial every five minutes, and we’re gonna do everything in our power to try and keep you in front of your t.v. for the entire night, when in reality, all you really need to see is the last 15 minutes.” But if you’ve never watched the “Bachelor” until this season, just know that they’ve done that for the ten seasons previous.

-The only difference this season is that Travis’ family came out to Paris to meet the girls and it wasn’t them going back to his hometown. So Travis’ Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-Law, and two nieces arrive. Pretty normal family it seems like. Mom’s hair is like she either just got electrocuted, or she has on a big, giant pair of Bose earphones on under her hair. Mushroom Head let’s call her for the time being. His sister is excited (no, I didn’t bother writing down family member names. Sorry): “It’ll be very interesting to see the final two girls that Travis has choosen”. Yes, I rewound it three times. She did say “choosen” instead of “chosen”. Unless she said “chosen” with a southern drawl that made it sound like “choosen”. If that were the case, then I apologize sister of Travis for which I don’t know your name. But I think you said “choosen”, and that makes no grammatical sense whatsoever.

-Travis, Sarah, sis, bro-in-law and nieces go to an indoor park somewhere in Paris. And wouldn’t you know, once Sarah got to meet his two cute little nieces, she had to break it out. Yes my friends, it’s the return of the Tootie-tot game. Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!!! And I hope that song runs through your head all day today like it already is mine. That is until I forcefully slam my head against the side of my desk at work to get rid of the pain the song is causing me. Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!! I could sing that for days. Such a fun game to play. Does Sarah actually teach her students or does she just play this game all day? And, ummm, what exactly is the point of Tootie-tot? Is it an exercise? Are they learning something? Frankly, I used to play every lame children’s game known to mankind growing up and I’ve never heard of that in my life. Must be a southern thang. I’m going to play it with my niece next time I babysit. I’m sure Olivia Rose will think Uncle Stephen is nuts Tootie-totting around the living room like a jackass. Like she’ll even want to play that game anyway. If it’s not Baby Einstein or Sesame Street, she doesn’t care. And she thinks her name is “Eeee-I-Eeee-I-Oh” from the Old MacDonald song. That’s another story.

-Wasn’t really much to report from Sarah’s dinner with the family other than they all loved her. She told the mom and dad she was really into their son, could see herself with him, and that he’s made such an impact on her life. Basically, she said everything that Moana couldn’t. So the parents liked her, she left, and her and Travis kissed some more. However, even though I knew four weeks ago he’d be picking Sarah, I still noticed these two did not use a lot of tongue, if any, when they kissed. If you were base who he picked in this thing by going off how much saliva he put into each one’s mouth, Moana would be your hands down winner. He has no problem thrusting his tongue down her esophagus, but with Sarah, they’re like little woodpeckers with each other. Kind of annoying. Yeah, guess that’s why she got a ring on a necklace as opposed to on her finger. More on that later.

-So Moana’s date is up and sis, bro-in-law, and nieces meet her at a park. Apparently it’s cold since Travis has his favorite wool cap on and Moana’s dressed like America’s whiniest Eskimo. Immediately sis’ pulls Moana aside, Moana tells her she never expected any of this, she came here with no expectations, blah blah blah, and she starts crying. One of a hundred instances this episode where Moana lost control of herself. It was almost too much like that was her way of luring in the family. So on to the brother-in-law, he asks her about her living situation and if she’d be willing to move. She says, “I’m pretty flexible”. So we can guess. Probably the least shocking thing she’s said all season. Flexibility plays a huge role with most guys. Well, most guys except Travis that is. He’s more into whether or not you’ve mastered the art of “Tootie-tot”. What was that? You want to hear it again? “Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!!” And oh yeah, Travis’ niece drew a picture of each girl and circled Moana’s face because that’s who he wanted her to choose. Which pretty much was the kiss of death. Nothing like being 5 years old and being embarrassed on national television. Nice going kiddo’. Way to pick the wrong girl.

-Moanas’ meeting with Travis’ family was interesting to say the least. Uhhhh, yeah. They didn’t like her. Travis’ bro-in-law asks, “So why do you and Travis make a good couple?” Moana: “I’m sorry. It’s just not my character to answer that.” Good one, Moana. Way to earn points with the family. They totally want you in their family now. So sis’ follows up with, “So what’s the connection?” After what seemed like 10 minutes of crying, then silence, then thinking, Moana came up with some B.S. answer of “he just gets me.” So if 0-for-2 wasn’t good enough for Moana, she followed it up with another stellar performance from the parents. They pull her aside and dad hits her right across the face with, “I’m having a hard time understanding why you are attracted to our son?” After breaking out the tears yet again, Moana comes back with basically the same answer about no one in this universe can apparently understand her and Travis’ connection and that she can’t explain in words other than Travis “rocked her to the core.” Or maybe he “cocked her to the roar.” Whatever the case, Moana lets the cat out of the bag. Travis has officially rocked her core. With his c*** I’m assuming. I don’t know. I’m just as confused as the rest of you.

-So as Moana is in with the parents digging her own grave, Travis, sis’, and bro-in-law are sitting around the table gossiping about her. Bro-in-law leans over to wifey and says, “Makes you realize how much you like Sarah after this”. Oooooohhhhh. Ouch. Good thing Moana wasn’t around to hear that. She might’ve just up and killed him. I really wish Moana would’ve used her eavesdropping skills here like she did on the girls back at the house. You know, where she’s in the short shorts, the wife beater tank top, the glasses, the no-make up look and she’s berating Jehan for calling her a fake. If only she would’ve been around the corner for bro-in-law’s comment. I’m sure that would’ve made her feel really special and less insecure than she already is. Ummmm, in case you haven’t noticed since the first episode this season, Moana’s got some serious emotional issues. How anyone thought she would win is beyond me. I’m still shocked she got this far. But that’s what the biggest rack and horniest chick in the house will get you.

-Travis reiterates to us and to his family his feelings about Moana. “I have a connection with Moana that only her and I understand.” Well, that’s apparent since she can’t explain it at all and that’s your best explanation. And when two people who have such a strong connection and bond like these two still can’t muster the words to explain their feelings for each other, that can only mean one thing. There is no connection. So really there’s not much you can say after that. Well, except “Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot, Tootie-tot-tot!!!” I really think that “Tootie-tot” should replace “Hakuna Mattata” in our English language. So from now on, anyone who uses the phrase “Hakuna Mattata” around you, try and convert them to “Tootie-tot”. Trust me. It’ll catch on. But I need all of America’s help on this. Well, all of America that reads this column. Spread the word.

-So Sarah’s mom and Moana’s step mom arrive in Paris to go dress and ring shopping with their daughters. Boy, was it just me, or did each of them try on some really hideous dresses? Yucko the clown was definitely the call on some of those gowns they tried on. Wow. Who the hell would wear that to their possible engagement? Sarah’s mom is an interesting character. You know, with a little research, I would not be surprised to find out if Sarah’s mom is also Chris Harrison’s mom. She really likes telling us a lot of things we already know. “You know, this is the last chance you’ll get to see him tonight before the rose ceremony”, “He’s a doctor, you know”, “Tomorrow’s your last rose ceremony”. On and on and on this lady went. “You know, that’s a green dress you have on”, “You realize you’re in Paris, right?”, “Travis is a very tall man”, “If you and Travis get married, you’ll be a doctor’s wife”. Thanks lady. You’ve really cleared a lot of things up for me.

-On Sarahs late date with Travis they played tennis. And she was horrible. And Travis told her she did good. Please. It’s not right to begin your relationship by lying. She wasn’t good Travis. For Christ sakes, the object in tennis is to hit the ball back to the person that hit it to you. She was either hitting it backwards or missing. Stick to “Tootie-tot” woman. So Sarah tells Travis they’re going to order take-out and take it back to this cottage that she found. Uh, wrong. The producers found the cottage and said, “Your last night with Travis will be here”, and you agreed. Quit making it seem like you strolled the streets of Paris late at night trying to find a place where you and Travis could peck each other all night long. It was handpicked and you had no choice. Sometimes my intelligence feels insulted when I watch this show. Which can obviously explain why we’re eleven seasons in and I’ve written a column on every single episode for the last nine of them. Oh God. I’m going to “Tootie-tot” right off my balcony.

-So Travis and Sarah eat dinner then she goes and lays down on top of him. She tells him for the millionth time how perfect he is for her and how glad she is to have met him, and zzzzzzzzzzz. Yes, Travis has fallen asleep. Well, sort of. I think he wants to go to sleep, but Ms. Tootie won’t shutup and keeps talking an inch away from his face. It truly looked like Travis wanted her to be quiet so he could take a nap. Either that, or it was his signal for, “Hey, would you mind maybe not talking for a bit and just go down on me?” Or something like that.

-Time for Moana’s last night to have sex with Travis. She made dinner for him. Travis appreciated this. “I’m feeling pretty lucky tonight.” I bet you are. So is Moana knowing she has one last chance to get pregnant, which would force you to be with her, thus ending your relationship with Sarah, and now she won’t have to suffer the pain of not having to be without you for one more second. Or maybe Moana just felt like cooking for the night. One or the other. So anyway, this leads Travis to ask, “So yeah, uhhhh, if you cooked for the girls like this every single night in the house, ummmm, why do they all hate your ass?” Moana avoided the question like she has every other one this episode, deflected attention off her and put it on the other girls, and they ate dinner. Gee, I wish a guy could answer questions like Moana does and not get his head bitten off. But I guess that’s not possible. And not only that, you ask questions that either A) you already know the answer to B) you want us to reinforce that you already know the answer to or C) you have no answer to, you just want to hear our answer so it can lead to an argument. Moana’s final telling words to Travis on her final chance to see him before the last rose ceremony. Moana: “I don’t need….but I would like….you in my life.” Awwww…how special. Don’t know why he didn’t choose her after those kind words.

-So the next 15 minutes was spent like it always is. The cheese ball music is playing as we’re watching the girls get up on the morning of the big day, no make up, writing in a journal, and the inevitable shot of someone going over to their hotel room window, opening up the shades and just staring out the window. Never fails. Has happened every season thus far and will continue to happen in every season hereafter. If there are other seasons. This time it was Sarah who was chosen as the window girl. “Sarah, pretend like you just woke up even though there are no bags under your eyes and it’s midday already, go over to the window, open the shades, and just peer off the balcony like you’re in deep thought. Aaaaaaaaand cut!!!” And Travis went ring shopping during all of this. Each girl liked the same exact diamond cut of 2.2 carats. Travis admitted to knowing nothing about rings. As do I. As do pretty much all men. Travis gets the ring, puts it in his pocket, and he’s headed back to the mansion. Didn’t show us him buying that necklace though. Thought they’d trick us, didn’t they? This is pretty much the stuff I fast forwarded through. Recapping their journeys, each girl talking about how she wants Travis in her life, and Travis getting ready. No muy importante. So I skipped it. And that was the only Spanish I’ll use in this column ever again. Probably wrong too.

-Favorite scene of the night? When Moana first appeared out of the limo, she had a nipple slip and the T.V. had to digitize it out. Outstanding. Anyway, onto Travis’ speech….

“Since the beginning, there’s been intrigue….Ms. Mysterious….many layers…nervous I wouldn’t see those layers….you’re passionate…you have depth…amazing connection….beautiful connection….that’s what I love about you……BUT….if I listen to my heart, I can’t choose you…” Soooo, thanks for the sex but my family didn’t like the fact you answered zero questions, you don’t get along with women, and frankly, you can’t quite “Tootie-tot” like I’d like. Sarah wins. You lose.

Moana: “I’m really shocked….I’m really truthfully shocked…”
Travis: “I want to explain…but there’s no great explanation….where do we go from here? I didn’t know the answer to that question.” Translation: Ummm, Sarah lives a block away from me and there’s not a chance in hell I’m getting you to move from San Clemente, California to Nashville. So I went with the safe one. Sorry. Your nipple is showing.

-As for Moana in the limo, I wrote down as much as I could. If you didn’t see it, just picture her saying all this stuff while practically screaming at the cameraman and crying hysterically….

“I’m emotionally devastated….so shocked…thought it was a joke…never been so vulnerable in my life….the good girl always wins…guys like that don’t go for girls like me…this pain I’m experiencing is so intense, I just want to crawl back into my shell and hide…I’m so foolish and absolutely devastated.” Trust me, it was much better to watch on television. Words don’t do it justice. Yikes. Guess she liked him. And in case you're into this sort of thing, you can check out Moana's myspace ad. Myspace ads are really fun. You can learn so many fun and interesting things about people. You can post pictures, talk to friends, meet new people, all in all just a rip-roaring good time. Really, one of the greatest inventions ever. Glad someone decided to come up with it. http://www.myspace.com/moanamarie

-Time for Sarah to show up. No nipple slip for her, but definitely a cleavage slip. I could be wrong on this, but I bet most women who watched the show last night thought Sarah didn’t look good in her dress. I could be wrong, but frankly, I don’t think I am. So Travis begins his speech…

“I had no idea what to expect when I got here….you’re beautiful, smart, honest…with you I’m happy…the irony is, when I’m with you, I feel like I’m home in Nashville….BUT….I have to be completely honest with you….I choose you…every time I’m with you, it’s perfect….”

Sarah: “You’re so perfect for me”
Travis: “You’re the one who’s perfect for me”
Sarah: “No, you’re perfect for me”
Travis: “No, you’re perfect”
Sarah: “I’m perfect?”
Travis: “Yes, you’re perfect.”
Sarah: “No, you are.”
Travis: “Me?”
Sarah: “Yeah, you. You’re perfect.”
Travis: “I think you’re more perfect for me.”
Sarah: “You’re the most perfectedest person in the world.”
Travis: “Sarah, you’re not making sense anymore.”
Sarah: “The most perfected, Mr. Perfecto, so perfect in the most perfect way….”
Travis: “All right, enough. Don’t make me change my mind.”

-So Travis put the ring that he got around a necklace. Travis: “I’m not someone who can make a promise I can’t keep…I want to go back to Nashville, I want to spend with you and see where this relationship goes. I can’t wait to be with you.” The end.

-So all in all, a pretty average season of the “Bachelor”. Nothing we haven’t seen before. We all knew no matter who he chose that he wasn’t going to propose anyway. I’m sure these two will date for a while but I don’t think they’ll end up getting married. I could be wrong. Maybe they’ll be married for fifty years, have numerous children, and will live in “Tootie-tot” heaven for the rest of their lives. But since I have such a jaded view on women and relationships right now, I’ll just choose to say I hope they break up. Good luck to Travis and Sarah. America’s most boring couple.

-As for the column, if there’s another “Bachelor” season, you can sure as hell bet I’ll be writing about it. In the meantime, I’ve gotten numerous emails from you out there wanting me to write about other shows. Now, I’ll never write extensively about one show like I do on the “Bachelor”, but I want to get back to writing a “Reality Roundup” column once a week. Trust me, with “Survivor”, “American Idol”, “Real World: Key West”, “8th and Ocean”, “Apprentice” on right now, along with finales of “Skating with Celebrities” and “Dancing with the Stars” just airing, I have plenty to say. I just can never tell you what day of the week the column will run. I’m thinking I’ll have it up on Fridays, but I’m not going to guarantee anything. So check back weekly to see when the next “Reality Roundup” will be up, send in your emails of any questions, comments, inquiries, or any other chitter chatter you want to talk about, and I’ll be sure to start re-printing some of your emails in the “Reality Roundup” column. Thanks for reading. See you on the other side….


The Bachelor Links

"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 2/20/06

-Aaahhhh finally. A one hour show. A lot of the same ol’ stuff rehashed, a lot of horrible editing and canned laughter, and a no-show by Allie G. Pretty much par for the course on the “Bachelor: The Women Tell Us Chopped Up Answers That Are Edited Down to Five Seconds or Less.” And was it just me, or were the nineteen commercial breaks a bit much? Maybe it just seemed like a lot since I was counting the seconds until the show ended, but I noticed a few more than usual over an hour span. I understand ABC always needs to put this show on to give us a different view of the women, or what went on in the house, but I think they should have the actual Bachelor out for more than, oh I don’t know, fourteen seconds. Travis wasn’t on for more than five minutes when honestly, a lot of really watched to see what the other girls had to say to him, maybe take questions from the audience, etc. All we saw was three questions from three different girls, then Host Chris ask him what he thought of Allie G., which he wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. Wow. How interesting. Boooooooo…..Anyway, onto last night.

-So they start out recapping Travis’ journey with a quote from him that I don’t ever remember hearing. Travis: “I’m not this Cassanova bachelor stud. And that’s why I’m so excited about this experience.” Translation: I’m not Andrew, Bob, Jesse, or Charlie. Or the gay one from the first season. Yeah, you sure said a mouthful. Thanks for the warning. If they actually would’ve played us that sound bite in the beginning of the season, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up going into this. Travis telling us he’s not a “Cassanova bachelor stud” is equivalent to Tara telling us she wasn’t sauced during the taping of this show. Just file it under the “No S**t?” category and lets move on. Thanks for nothing Stork. You suck and so has this season.

-Time for Host Chris to introduce the 22 ladies who didn’t win Travis heart, about 18 of which we didn’t know, didn’t care to know, and were surprised they even showed up. Twenty-two? Yes, twenty-two. Sarah and Moana weren’t there, and neither was Allie G. who “declined to be there.” So probably the most talked about rejected bachelorette in the history of this show and you can’t even get an appearance from her? Talk about disappointment. Unbelievable. Man, she really must’ve pissed someone off to not show up. Can’t they just pretty much make her do whatever they want her to do since she’s under some sort of legal contract with ABC? Maybe she demanded that if she showed up there, someone lucky fella’ in the audience would be forced to impregnate her. And since that would’ve been a catastrophe beyond epic proportions, ABC thought better of it and told her to stay home and play with herself. Or something like that. When you’re AB-freakin’-C and Allie G. is big timing you, there’s something wrong with that. I’m sure people tuned in to see Susan cry or to see Sarah B. stoned, but seriously, I think we all wanted to get this psycho’s reaction to her behavior on the show. Hugely disappointed.

-Host Chris told us this was “the most talked about season ever” after introducing the girls. It was? By whom? Certainly not viewers since we’ve seen the ratings and they stayed away in droves. Here’s some of the things most talked about: Allie G. And you couldn’t get her on the show. Wow. Still scratching my head over that one. And oh yeah, how if Travis and Jen Schefft ever end up getting married, they might lead a life of 50 years together with no sex or physical contact. Other than that, what else were people talking about? I’m confused. And can someone for once please settle something for me? How does Jehan pronounce her name? The first night she told Travis it was pronounced “Je-HAN”, as in “Han Solo”. But all season Travis called her “Je-HAN”, as in “Han job”. And Host Chris called her that all night too. Apparently she doesn’t care much since she never corrected either one. I guess I’m the only one that does. I’ll stop now. I hate it when my panties are in a bunch.

-A quick overview of the twenty-two women who did show up. Sarah B. looked rather bland and boring. And high. Baked Tara was beyond liquored up and was wearing giant, ugly, green, loopy earrings that didn’t go with her outfit, and Susan looked pretty much like she always did. With less eye makeup since she knew she’d probably end up balling her eyes out and didn’t want mascara running down her face. Probably had a photo shoot right afterwards. Or maybe an audition to be on “Passions” or something. I think every reality TV figure who’s wanted to try their hand at acting has either read for, or has appeared on “Passions”. I’ve never seen it, but I’m sure it’s brilliant. All daytime soaps are. Anything that can run on the same network at the same time for 30 years and still have housewives sewn to their couches between noon and three o’clock each day must be doing something right.

-First up on the hot seat was Susan and Host Chris wasted no time in getting straight to the point. Will you do Playboy? Kidding. No, he asked her if she was insincere about her feelings on the show. Susan: “That was me. That was how I acted. I was real.” Aaaaannnnd cut! Outstanding work Susan. Now, tilt your head back a bit, flip your hair, and let us see more cleavage. Action! Susan also told us that her feelings for Travis still haven’t fully gone away. Uh oh. This could get reeeeeallly interesting if they let it play out, which of course they won’t. I think they should’ve brought Susan up onto the stage with Travis, had them sit face-to-face with each other, and talk things out like adults. Or maybe she could’ve sat on his lap while Sarah Tennessee watched from home stewing that her man was allowing Susan to ride him like a horsey.

-Susan said her mom felt like she lost it for her for essentially throwing her under the bus and has felt horrible all week. And she should. She did lose it for you. And the fact that you went on the show to further your acting career. And modeling career. And to get back at your ex fiancee. The ex fiancee became an issue as well. Model Jennifer was questioning Susan about why she brought a picture of her ex to the chateau. She did? And we didn’t get to see this? Yeah, that might be a little much. I’d probably be questioning your motives too. Although Susan took exception to Model Jennifer’s accusation. Susan: “I don’t know why my former fiancee is being brought up in all this”. Yeah, me neither. Except for the fact that you’re carrying his picture around on a show where you’re supposedly looking to find your next ex fiancee. Can’t imagine why that’s being brought up. Women can be so evil at times, no?

-Susan lets the cat out of the bag as to why her and her fiancee broke up. Susan: “We broke up because he didn’t want me to have a career.” So small town Kansas boy with hot girlfriend doesn’t want his woman moving out to the bright lights and big city of L.A. where she’ll drop him in a heartbeat once some slime ball agent or greasy talent execs start telling her what she wants to hear? Hey, I believe it. Either that or once the Kansas City Chiefs cut him because he couldn’t punt anymore, she decided acting was her next logical choice in life. Whatever the case, all the girls in the house were under the impression Susan didn’t care if she won or not because she always had her ex fiancee back home waiting for her on hand and foot. Which is probably true. This brought Susan to tears. And it got me to thinking, “At what point in my life did everything just start rocketing downhill for me?” These are some of the little moments I have with myself when watching this show.

-Commercial break #1 of many. They showed Jessica Simpson’s Pizza Hut Super Bowl ad again for the 100th time. I think there are only two women in America that can make popping a pizza bite into her mouth extremely sexy. And Jessica Simpson is one of those women. The other? Rosie O’Donnell. Jessica is still front and center on everything and Nick has now been relegated to the title of “Drew’s brother”. Then again, I’m sure Nick’s not hurting in the ladies department. Not like he cares. So if Jessica’s gonna go out and bang Adam Levine from Maroon 5, Jude Law, and Johnny Knoxville, I’ll just get myself a little former Miss Kentucky USA. That’ll show her. I feel so sorry for these two. I mean really. Do you know how hard it’s gonna be on these two to divide a gazillion dollars equally? Who’s gonna get that $5000 coffee table? What about the $50,000 useless painting on the wall? Is there home gonna sell for $3.2 million or $3.5 million? I just can’t feel sorry for these two. And I don’t know why it’s still such a story. They’re a Hollywood couple. They got divorced. Where’s the news in that? They all get divorced. Besides Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.

-Sarah B. is next up on the hot seat. She immediately starts giggling and asks the producers for a bag of chips. Ok, she didn’t. Host Chris tells us that “from the beginning, Travis and Sarahs spark was immediate and undeniable.” Yes it was. And Sarah’s first spark of the night was about an hour before the taping started. Then we got to rehash all the silly noises Sarah made throughout the show and included in that was some unseen footage from her hometown date where she was squeezing her boobs together and talking to them. That was immediately followed by her answering a question about her age. Sarah B.: “Anyone who knows me well enough knows I’m beyond my years.” Aaaahhhh, how refreshing. Of course you are. As evidenced by everything we saw you do this season, who could argue that? I sure couldn’t. Could you? Didn’t think so. Most mature 23 year old I’ve ever met. Because I know a lot of older, more mature, more developed women that have conversations with their rack on a daily basis. It’s just part of being mature and developing into a woman. Totally get it.

-Model Jennifer decided to attack Sarah B. a little bit saying she just never saw where the chemistry was with Travis. Jennifer was the one on the camping date that Travis eliminated when he gave the rose to Sarah B. instead of her. More unseen footage showed Jennifer on the date saying, “I don’t care who it is. Could be Hugh Grant. I don’t like bugs.” Hugh Grant? Women still like him? The stuttering Englishman who once got caught with probably the ugliest hooker in all of Los Angeles for a $40 BJ in the back of a car while he was still with Elizabeth Hurley? That Hugh Grant? America is so forgiving, aren’t they? I guess it once again proves my theory: If you’re good looking and you’re famous, people don’t give a crap what you do unless you kill someone. And even then they might let it slide. Once.

-Sarah B. didn’t stay on the hot seat long. Just long enough to tell us that the biggest thing that couldn’t get over was the fact that Travis was seeing a lot of different girls and not just her. Exactly. Pretty much what to expect from a 23 year immature pothead who lives at home with her parents, is ridiculously insecure and fickle like everyone else her age. Makes perfect sense. Travis really missed out on that one. She was a keeper. She also said she didn’t hide the fact she still lived with her parents from Travis, she just didn’t think it needed to be brought up. Of course she didn’t. Why would she? She’s mature beyond her years. A 33 year old doctor looking to settle down absolutely didn’t need to know that one of his potential fiancees was still living at home with mommy and her two brothers and getting grounded for being on the phone too long. Take another hit Sarah. Get back to us in say, oh, ten years or so. Eh?

-Commercial. The “Dancing With the Stars” finale is Thursday night with the results show on Sunday night. I know I’ve been horrible about keeping up with other shows, and probably once the “Bachelor” ends, I’ll get back to giving quick thoughts on all the other shows I’m watching, especially this one. From the beginning, you kinda knew Stacy and Drew would be the final two. And not that I’m complaining but I did bring it up in the beginning. I know neither of them had any ballroom dancing background, but Stacy was a former Baltimore Raven cheerleader and had been dancing since she was a kid. And Drew was in a boy band where there was dancing involved. I mean, compared to everyone else on the show who are completely green, it is kind of an unfair advantage. But whatever. I still watch every week. And of course my vote will go to Stacy. Drew’s great. He’s likable, he can dance, his partner is excellent, and he’s a midget. He’s got it all going for him. Except Stacy has 42” inch legs that frankly make me wet myself sometimes. Other than that, I’d vote for Drew.

-Host Chris next brings Kristen up to the hot seat and introduces her as “one of the best personalities we’ve ever had.” Funny. And you know what they say about women with great personalities. I couldn’t have been more fitting when Travis came out later in the show and said to Kristen, “I have a friend who absolutely loves you.” I mean, seriously. Isn’t that what most guys do? Pawn off the girl with the “great personality” on our friend? Hey, women do it too. I know. It’s like, “You’re a great person, you’re funny, you’re lively, and you have such an energy about you. Granted, I’m not the least bit attracted to you and never will be, but let me introduce you to my friend here….” What a guy, Trav. I’m sure your friend loves her. And I’m sure its that same dorky friend we saw early in the show who got the sweats and shivers around a living, breathing female. Just wait til’ Kristen pulls the ol’ orange trick on him. He’ll probably eat it up.

-It was at this point that Host Chris told us Allie G. had declined an invitation to show up so he opened up the forum for everyone to bash her. But not before showing those memorable clips of her meltdown. Wow. I think my favorite was, “This cost me big bucks! Big bucks! $1500 a day. Big bucks!” I was waiting for her to say, “No Whammys! No Whammys! Stoooooooppppp! You’ve landed on his and her matching luggage valued at $435. Are you gonna pass or press your luck?” Even worse than Allie G. not being there, was them opening up the floor for everyone to trash her, having the girls say practically nothing, then going to commercial break again. How fun was that? ABC has dropped the ball many times in regards to this show (Bob Guiney, Boring Jen Schefft, no unedited DVD versions of the overnight dates), but this takes the cake. They couldn’t have even had her pre-record some video message to play to all of us? I’m sorry. Yes, I’m grouchy about this. And no, I’m not PMS’ing.

-Commercial. Now, I need to be careful about what I say here considering the backlash I received for talking about a woman who decided to purchase a new face. Talk about people getting their panties in a bunch. Anyway, this Thursday on “Good Morning America” and later that night on “Primetime Live”, they’re going to have an interview with the lead suspect in the Natalee Holloway case. I love when the networks play up the big interviews with people like this. Like this little pimply faced teen is gonna say anything. What are they expecting? “Oh yeah, I know where she is. Take this road about five miles, make a left, when you go down the embankment, make another left, and over by that tree….” I mean, c’mon. This kid probably has a lawyer sitting to each side of him and the minute there’s a question that’s not to their liking, the kid will be told not to answer it. Plus, since its already been taped, we get the edited version anyway. I can already tell you pretty much the nuts and bolts of what this kid will say. “Yeah, we were partying, she was cool. We had a few drinks. We were all hanging out having fun. Then I didn’t see her for the rest of the night. I don’t know what happened.” Much ado about nothing. Hate it when the networks think they have something bigger than they do. Guarantee this kid doesn’t know any more than you or I other than he probably was one of the last people to see her.

-Travis gets brought out to a standing ovation. Ummm for what? Not making out with anyone til episode five? Oh, that’s what the cue cards told them to do. My bad. So he gets brought out, says thank you to everyone and answers one question each from three different girls.

Susan: “Did you question my sincerity?” Travis: “I just first off want to defend Susan….yeah, I maybe questioned things here and there especially after the hometown dates…but Susan’s an exceptional woman. I do believe she was here for the right reasons. Can I change my pick now or is it too late?

Sarah B.: “Why did our chemistry fail?” Travis: “On our camping date, I hopped up in a tree and you didn’t remember it….from there, it seemed like we became more distant….I don’t want to have to leave the door open when I go up into your room anymore….I don’t want to hear your drunk friends calling you at 2 in the morning for booty calls….I just couldn’t do it.”

Kristen: “Was it the teeth?” Travis: “I don’t think there’s anyone here that can say anything bad about you. Except for the fact you completely embarrassed yourself, I was completely turned off by you, and my dorky friend wants your number so he can ask you to go miniature golfing.”

-Host Chris of course had to ask Travis about Allie G. and here was his response. Travis: “Let’s just say she shocked me that night. Let her move on. I’m not gonna go there.” Why even tease us and bring Allie G. is up if you’re barely gonna spend any time talking about her and even the Bachelor steers clear of destroying her? Thanks for that Travis. Do you have any opinions on anything? How about the woman with the new face? Your thoughts? Do you think Ace will be the next “American Idol”? Drew, Jerry, or Stacy? Do you think Dick Cheney intentionally tried to blow away his hunting buddy? If Jack Bauer were president, would any country ever mess with us? How many canisters of nerve gas do you think will get released on American soil? When do you think CTU will set up a perimeter around the perimeter of a perimeter? When are Jack and Kate gonna hook up again? Is Locke a good guy or a bad guy? We’d like your thoughts on any of these. Please.

-They showed us some outtakes from this past season. A few of the women belching, Moana spitting up her drink, Sarah Tenneesee saying she liked Travis’ meat, Kristen trying out the orange peel trick at home before going out on the date, Tara telling us she likes to drink, and pretty much nothing else out of the ordinary or earth shattering. Although, I could’ve sworn last week during the previews, it showed Host Chris sitting down with both Sarah and Moana separately for interviews, and it said that each girl would have a video message for the girls in studio. Guess they ran out of time on that one. Either that, or it was just as boring as the rest of the show and didn’t need to be included. Kinda funny how in the very last segment, they spent it talking about Moana and how the other girls felt about her, and yet at no time did they ever talk about Sarah.

-So for the last hurrah Host Chris opens up another forum for everyone to gang up on Moana. The consensus was that she didn’t care to be there, she never cared if she got a rose, then all the sudden after the French Riviera date, she acted like a totally different person. And now every girl from the season has done a complete 180 after seeing footage of Moana and her emotions and they all feel sorry for her and like her now. What? The one thing that this show had going for it was that everyone hated Moana. All of em’. There was no love loss between Moana and the group and there was definitely a bitter rivalry between her and the rest of the girls. And now that’s gone too. Brilliant. Then what the hell am I watching for? Like I care who wins? They’re not staying together anyway. At least if you bring Moana out, put her in front of the girls and have them fire away, that could make for some entertaining television. Nope. Couldn’t even do that. This show turned into a 60 minute love fest. Gee. Can’t wait til next week. Moana says something totally and utterly ridiculous about looking in the mirror and seeing right through herself or something so asinine, it’s gonna cause me to break out the frying pan again. Oh lord. God help us all. Until next week….


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"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 2/13/06

-Well, at least I got some good news last night once the show started. They ended up cutting into over 30 minutes of last night's program to show us how in love Byron and Mary, Ryan and Trista, and Charlie and Sarah were. Brought a tear to my eye, even when I was fast forwarding through it. Yeah, I maybe watched a few seconds here and there, but nothing worth reporting on. They all still love each other, they're all still together, and each of them admits to first falling in love with the other once genitals made contact during the exotic overnight dates. True love. You know, because that's when love starts. Very touching confessions by these three couples. And a little bit different this week, I won't be covering commercials, just to let you know. There weren't that many good ones this week, and, I want to make this column shorter this week. Yeah right. Like that'll happen. Onto last night....

-Travis starts out like he did last week by telling us something about the remaining girls:

Susan: "Susan told me last week she was really looking forward to falling in love with me, but what her Mom said worries me." Translation: So last week the actress basically set me up for, "Get ready, I might say I've fallen in love with you, you know, with next week being the overnight dates", and then we all know what happens later. Gee, maybe Mom was right. Great acting, Susan. Bravo!

Sarah: Nothing we hadn't heard 1,000 times before. "Sarah's a lot of fun, and she values things in life that matter to me. But I want to see if there's more there than great conversation and good friendship." Probably the easiest translation yet: Am I ever going to get laid before the wedding?

Moana: "When I think about Moana, I feel excited. I feel like the boundaries are limitless. What bothers me is she's been the blacksheep back at the house." Translation: Excited? Boundaries are limitless? I have a hard on, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt we're using that honeymoon suite key to get our freak on.

-So Moana and Travis have their exotic overnight date in Venice, Italy. Nice place. Never been there, but I heard its supposed to be romantic or something. They're walking around looking at all the big churches. Moana: "I don't know what any of these churches are about." You? Really? And this whole time I had you pegged as the church girl who went to church girl every Sunday with her parents, went to confession to have all your sins you committed the night before heard, and one who was involved in all the church's activities. Shocking to hear otherwise. I wonder if Moana has actually ever done it in church? I think that's what would surprise me the most. If she hadn't. And oh yeah, a bunch of pigeons started attacking these two. Probably because they were after some action off her as well.

-So these two sit down for lunch and Moana shows off her little Italian skills by ordering a few things in Italian. I'm clueless, as well as Travis, but I guess that was his signal to tell her how much he liked her and how cultured she was. And how he had a great time with her family. Travis: "I had a great time in the O.C." Glad you did. Kind of a bummer though when Johnny fell off the rocks. Especially since Marissa's having a real hard time getting over it. Why doesn't she just admit she had strong feelings for him? It's killing her and Ryan's relationship. Are these two ever happy? I've never seen a couple that's stayed together who's more miserable as every day passes. And I really hope Seth's marijuana smoking doesn't hurt his relationship with Summer. Did you lunch with Kristin Cavalleri while you were there? Woops. Wrong show. Sorry.

-Travis and Moana board the gondola ride. And we all knew what was coming next. Travis: "Ten years ago, I was on a Gondola ride and always thought it would be amazing way to spend time in Paris with someone you care about." And then there's that old ritual, you know, where once you cross under a bridge you must make out so that the Gondola guy in the red scarf can get all excited watching you? I mean, how many times do you think Gondola guy has gone home that night and punched his clown to the thought of all the people he saw making out and groping each other? Seriously. That's all he watches all day while he paddles around wearing his Brokeback outfit and singing to couples. He's gotta release some tension when he gets home. Got to. And I love how the term "Brokeback" has pretty much become a part of everyday vocabulary and everyone knows exactly what you're talking about when you say it.

-The rest of the gondola ride is pretty much in complete silence as they both are taking in the scenery. Travis: "What I really like about Moana is that we can have moments where there's no need to talk, and we're on the same page without saying a word." Imagine that. Never having to talk to your significant other, never having them talk to you, and everything is still peaches and cream. What an exhilirating relationship these two are possibly headed towards. I wonder if there relationship would consist of a lot of sex and no talking? Yeah, women seem to like that. Always works out in the long run too. Nothing says "potential husband" than a guy who doesn't talk and just wants you for sex. These two are goin' places.

-So at dinner, Travis has a toast. Travis: "To us, to Venice, and to me, because I'm with the most beautiful girl in Venice." I'm just curious as to whether or not Susan is charging Travis for his acting lessons, or he's getting them for free. What a line. And I'm sure in Vienna and the French Alps, ABC edited out his toasts to Sarah and Susan for fear of, you know, him saying the exact same things to them. Nice effort though. And how does he know she's the most beautiful one in Venice? Was he looking around? Taking notes? Comparing and contrasting? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Moana was not the best looking girl in Venice that day. Might've been the one with the skankiest tattoo on her lower back, but not the most beautiful.

-So they get to dinner finally, since that's what we all care about on these dates anyway, and Weird Al Yankovic is playing his accordian for them. They both appreciated this before bursting out into laughter over Weird Al's perm. Ok, so maybe it wasn't him, but he's the only person I know who plays the accordian. So while at dinner these two are babbling to each other about whatever and whatnot. Travis is telling her that they're both teaching each other things and that nothing else matters and that everything else disappears. All the while Moana is just waiting for the honeymoon suite key. Travis finally presents it. Travis: "You may know about this you may not." Oh, she knows damn well about it Travis. Don't worry about that. Her whole day was leading up to this moment because finally, FINALLY, she gets to take her clothes off for you. Do you know what a relief that was to her?

-Anyway, here's what Moana read, word for word, off the card. "Moana and Travis, hope you're enjoying your stay in Venice. Should you decide to share your individual rooms, please spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite." Huh? Trust me, I rewound that thing three times, so unless they edited it, or Moana just chose to pick and choose different words to read, that didn't make any sense. "Should you decide to share your individual rooms, please spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite"? If they're sharing their individual rooms, how can they be in the fantasy suite as well. If they "forgo" they're individual rooms, it'd make sense. But that's what it said. Or at least, that's not what Moana read. The fact that stuff like this bothers me shows I'm pretty much a loser.

-Moana's response: "I want to spend time with you. Alone. I think it's always good. And I think we're on the same page." Then Moana tells the camera, "We both definitely knew that we were interested in just spending more time and developing that intimacy on a physical level." Holy s***! Did she just say that? I mean, did she really just say that? If I heard her correctly, and I'm not reading too much into this, she basically just said, "Yeah, we both knew it was time to start screwing." Geez. She doesn't hold anything back. But before Travis puts the condom on, Moana just wants to say one more thing. Moana: "The only thing that kinda bothers me is this doesn't hold any exclusivity. In this scenario. I know it's going to be duplicated." Then Travis told her he's never cheated before, no girlfriend has ever worried about him cheating, he's not gonna lie to her, and if they wait any longer, the lubrication will get dry so he needs to put that thing on now. Moana agreed and she started riding him. Or something like that.

-Time for Sarah's date in Vienna. Austria? "Let's put another shrimp on the barbie." Sorry. Saw "Dumb and Dumber" over the weekend. Again. Sarah wasted no time in telling us what she wanted to accomplish on her overnight date. "I want to get to know Travis on a romantic level." Translation: I want Travis to know that I can be a slut just as good as those other two. I may not have the giant rack of a Moana, or I may not be able to fake orgasms as good as Susan, but dammit, all my ex's told me I was the best they ever had. Sure they did. And they told all their other ex's the same thing as well. It's part of our charm. You guys lie to tell us what we want to hear, and frankly, well, we do the same. Relationships are so fun. Can't wait to jump into my next one. I honestly don't mean to sound jaded, but just know I'm typing this tonight with a chip on my shoulder the size of an iceberg. It's fun that way.

-Travis: "Sarah isn't in to romance right away like Moana and Susan. She's into taking it slow and she lets romance develop in time." Sure buddy. Keep convincing yourself of that. It's either that, or, she has the sex drive of a 4th grade girl. Let's just hope the wedding night comes sooner rather than later for your sake, ok pal? So these two decide to get couples massages then head into the floating pool. All the while Sarah keeps asking herself, "How can I get closer to him?" You can tell she really wanted to, but didn't know how since, you know, she's never been with a man. So to help Sarah, I was literally screaming at the TV trying to tell her what to do. But she couldn't hear me. I mean, you could see she was trying to figure out a way maybe to grab his hand, stroke his hair, maybe give him a back massage. No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. You want to get closer Wilbanks, just reach out and grab his package. You two will be closer than you ever could imagine. Go ahead. Try it. Ok, don't listen to me. Your loss.

-Now Wilbanks is totally horny. "I want more than a peck on the lips. I want him to kiss me like we're in a real relationship." Don't worry sweetie. He will. Just not anytime soon. Travis: "I appreciate the fact that she hasn't thrown herself at me. That's not what I'm looking for." Gee, let's just make sure these two have soundproof walls on their wedding night. Holy crap what a piece of work they are.

-So before they head to dinner, Host Chris is voicing over, "Will the teacher accept the fantasy overnight date?" So, like all teachers are saints? None of them have a freaky side? Please. They really were playing this up like, "Well, how would that look if a kindergarten teacher spent the night with a man! Ooooooohhhhh!" Like her students are even watching this show. I'm guessing SpongeBob Square Pants is higher on the TiVo list than "The Bachelor". Call me crazy. Teachers are just as horny as the rest of us. They just hide it better. I think.


-Travis reveals what Sarah's been waiting for. Even though it wasn't what she hoped for, it'll have to do for now. "Sarah and Travis, I hope you're enjoying your stay in Vienna, should you decide to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to spend the night as a couple in the fantasy suite." See, that's what they all say. Not that crap that Moana read before. Sarah's response: "Oh my God! I would love too!" Yeah, it was pretty much like all her estrogen skyrocketed warp speed down to her hoo-ha. She was ready. "I definitely see us taking it to the next level tonight." Bad, bad, bad slutty teacher. Me likey.

-So they take their dinner up to the suite, and begin to talk. I think this is where Travis realized he was going to pick her. Sarah said her intentions are different than the other girls. When he asked her what she meant by that, she said, "Their intentions are different. I'm so different. It's kind of a weird group left. I don't see you with either of them. I think we're perfect for each other." Travis ate that up more than you could believe and then delivered the Cheeseball Line of the Night: "I asked you to describe why you think you're better for me than the other two, and you didn't say one bad word about them. I totally respect your opinion, and having said that, without you being here, I definitely think I may have lost some of who I am." Wow. Why didn't he just say, "You complete me" to cap it off? Or some Brokeback line? Frankly, I have no idea what he said after this since I just grabbed a frying a pan and whacked myself right across the face with it.

-Time for Susan's date in the French Alps. Immediately Travis is skeptical about her. Travis: "When I saw her, I just wonder if she's saying something because I want to hear it, or because she means it." Oh no, it's because you want to hear it. She's an actress, remember? They're good at that. Saying what you want to hear, but meaning something totally different. They can even show a completely different emotion to when saying what you want to hear to make it even more believable. Yeah. I'm telling you, she's a keeper. An Emmy is coming her way. I can feel it. So can she. That's why she went on the show.

-And of course, that very point gets brought up next. They do a little mountain climbing, stop for some chatter when Travis asks about what the girls said about her wanting to move to L.A. for acting. Susan: "Did I come here for exposure? No, not at all. That's not me." Ummm, yes it is. Travis: "The girls in the house were talking about our first kiss and they were making it seem like you had won some sort of competition." Susan (crying): "That's so the opposite oh how I feel. That's so the opposite of how I am. It's so not about a game to me." And I'm so sick of you so using the word "so" so much. So like stop it before I vomit into my frying pan.

-So as they head to dinner, Travis is definitely looking for something. Travis: "The true test tonight is if I get to see the real Susan." Susan was happy when she showed up for dinner since she has a lot of sides to her. "I'm glad Travis saw two sides of me today. One side shows I can be adventurous with the rock climbing, and the other shows my sophisticated sexy side." And don't forget about your naked side after you accept the invitation to the honeymoon suite. That's the viewers favorite side. Or at least it is for me. Even though I haven't seen it. Yet. Remember, we still have to do coffee when you're out here in L.A. There's a Starbucks right around the corner. We can walk there. Might have to step over a couple homeless guys, but hey, it'll be romantic nonetheless. C'mon. Just say yes. You're not that busy, are you? I'll even buy you a scone. Ok, I'm done having imaginary conversations. Fun while it lasted though.

-Time for another "frying pan" line, this time from Susan. "I want you to know me....and I'm....totally falling in love with you." Aaaaaannnnnd cut! Perfect Susan. Next time, maybe with just a little more emotion. You're at the airport, you're never gonna see him again if you don't tell him how you feel, and you don't want to lose this man forever. Go! Yeah. Except this time, I just went straight to my kneecaps with the frying pan. Face is still a little swollen.

-So Travis breaks out the card to give to Susan. Yeah, like this chick isn't gonna take advantage of the fantasy suite. For Christ sakes, she just told a guy she's known for a month she's in love with him. Translation: Him being skeptical of my intentions during the whole afternoon pretty much made me realize I have one last chance to prove myself to him. I know! I'll go to the ol' "I love you" card.

-Susan is horny too. Susan: "Tonight is gonna be unbelievable. We're gonna go solidify that connection we do have, maybe expand a bit on our chemistry and intimacy...and there will be kissing. I can guarantee that one." And I can guarantee something else. You taking your pill before you head to bed. Don't forget. You may have a little Stork in nine months if you weren't careful. Travis: "I know Susan and that she has real feelings for me." Ummmm, and how do you know this? Oh, by the sex. Of course. Because all sex is meaningful. Gotcha. Whew. Glad we got that cleared up.

-Time for the video messages:

Moana: "Venice was amazing....bridges...so many bridges...I liked the bridges....I love how I can crack up with you since I've never laughed or smiled in my life. Caio."

Sarah: "Thanks for Vienna....it was fun and relaxing...this trip reassured what I already knew....that we're great friends, and someday, might become America's most boring couple."

Susan: "I had an amazing time in the French Alps....you got to see the real me....hope I cleared up any concerns whether or not I'm being sincere....I really made myself vulnerable....and, ummmm, errrrr, did I mention I'm falling in love with you? Just in case, you know, you didn't hear me the first time."

-Travis (before elimination): "I've been blessed with all my experiences the last week....truly convinced we'd have just as much fun if it was just us. Not because of the location, but because of the company." Get on with this already since I don't really know if that made any sense. I think he was just trying to think of something nice to say.

Moana: Wow. The aloof, dirty, sex pot that everyone hates gets to the finals. Hmmm...wonder if she wins?

-Can you believe Host Chris did not step in and tell us there's one rose left? Most shocking moment of the season. But without your help, I'm totally confused. Please, tell me how many roses are left before I pull my hair out.

Sarah: Or does he pick the safe, asexual one who lives in his hometown? Hmmm...wonder if she wins?

-Time for Susan to say goodbye and start falling in love with another man as soon as possible. And boy did she let loose. First, Travis has a few words for her. "You are amazing. I don't know if I made the right decision. Our relationship just felt more formal. I didn't have time to get to know you." Then Travis tells the camera he still wondered what her intentions were. Wow. That's gotta suck. Told him she loved him, boinked him on the overnight date, spilled her guts, and he still wasn't sure what her inentions were. I wonder if Susan is still on speaking terms with her parents? Thanks Mom. Thanks Dad. I'm sure your conversations with him had nothing to do with his choice.

-I'm going to paraphrase a few things that Susan said. "I get dumped because I'm formal? What does that mean? If anybody sitting in that f***ing chateau right now who thinks they're being real is lying to themselves......We had chemistry....I just don't understand this....Whoever ends up with him is one lucky girl." Didn't realize when Susan doesn't get what she wants she starts cursing like a drunken sailor. Or maybe that was her dramatic side taking over in case someone was looking to cast her in a leading role. Whatever the case, she's gone and we have the two most opposite girls in the finals. And next week, on the "Women Tell All", Host Chris sits down with both finalists, plus, Susan gets to confront the women who questioned her sincerity. An all out catfight with pillows and lingerie. And twenty other girls that none of us care about. Oh, except that "I need to be impregnated tomorrow" girl. Her craziness should make the show enjoyable. Until next week....

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