Back at the house, Nilsa – wearing several layers of makeup – climbs into bed. Her voice quaking with guilt disguised as emotion, she tells Kortni she will not be made to feel like a bad person. What the f*ck is wrong with just saying you behaved disgracefully the night before and you vow to never again be that much of a d*ck? Are there no thigh tattoos that define “accountability” in a bold Helvetica? The bullsh*t drama of all of this is needless and it’s f*cking exhausting. The entire house crowds into Nilsa’s bedroom and then Aimee wanders in and just flat-out tells her that if she had been mourning her own grandfather’s death when Nilsa decided to storm out of the house for no reason, Aimee would have been furious and Nilsa’s gross behavior has caused Aimee to look at her a little differently. I almost feel badly at how hard I laughed at Nilsa’s shocked face when Aimee leveled the truth directly at her, but I don’t really want to laugh at such a sad woman. Instead, I’d like that woman to stare at her own behavior – the kind she so willfully broadcasts on television – and then I’d like her to grow the f*ck up because the fact that there even has to be an entire episode devoted to such infantile bullsh*t sucks.
Also: Nilsa decides if Aimee is going to make her feel responsible for acting like an assh*le, well that assh*le will just cut Aimee out of the fraying polyester fabric of her life! So there!
Also: Candace thinks she and Kortni should do something to bring Aimee and Nilsa back together and Kortni suggests they all embark on a road trip to Tampa where there’s a school that teaches human ladies how to pretend to be mermaids.
Also: I’d rather take a road trip to a Trump rally that’s being held in the hottest and spikiest corner of the Underworld in a vehicle with no air conditioning and a radio that only plays Shania Twain songs on a loop than be in a car with Nilsa when she’s in one of these entitled moods.
While they’re perfectly amenable to shoving them into the backseat so they can fight there instead of in the middle of living room, Kortni and Candace realize it would probably be a far more enjoyable trip if they can get Nilsa and Aimee to reconcile before they get in the car. Their first move is to tell Aimee she looks beautiful – mermaid-goddess-princesses love compliments – and then they tell her about the Mermaid Academy, which apparently hands out certificates when the program is over so you can prove to anyone who demands to see documentation that you’re now a “legal mermaid.” Then they drop the bomb: to become a mermaid who is recognized by law, Aimee must consent to riding in a car for six hours with Nilsa. She’s not ready to talk to her quite yet, but Aimee would probably ride in a car with Satan while he’s clutching a full colonoscopy bag if it meant she could earn her fins, so she agrees to the terms of the trip. The way they approach Nilsa is quite a bit different. They offer her no random compliments. Instead, Candace decrees that she will get in that car, that this is a girls’ trip, that Nilsa has a vagina, and that’s all there f*cking is to it. I tell you, if Kortni and Candace banded together more often – and if Kortni developed some bladder control – they could rule the f*cking world.
Before leaving the house, Nilsa tells the guys that she knows she has things she needs to work on and she appreciates them guiding her on this new journey of Becoming A Decent Person Even When She’s Drunk. The guys acknowledge that they all have things to work on so they can eventually evolve into better people and then they all but shove the girls out the door so they can finally have some calmness in that beach house. Their plan is to do some day drinking, and since Gus’ gym dreams got dashed by Codi and Kirk, Gus compromises by making himself a vodka-fruit-protein-powder cocktail that I predict will directly lead to the next close-up pile of vomit we’ll see on this show.
The guys leave the house and head to a completely empty bar. Before downing their next round of drinks, Gus leads them in another prayer. This one is to ask God to keep Nilsa and Aimee from killing one another. And since they’re appealing to a benevolent Lord who apparently wants them to get all sorts of laid, Gus throws in a prayer that some “beautiful babies” come sauntering into the bar. Amen. Meanwhile, the entire road trip went by without Aimee and Nilsa saying one solitary word. I’m not sure why Nilsa can acknowledge her flaws to the guys but not to Aimee, but the whole thing is idiotic. It’s actually the best kind of friend who can tell you to your face that you’re behaving like a f*cking moron. It’s unfortunately the worst kind of friend who reacts by fleeing into the night to escape the dirty truth. But wait! Nilsa has slipped a note into Aimee’s bag that concedes how much Aimee means to her and how Nilsa knows she needs to improve as a person. Aimee is touched. She does make sure, though, to take Nilsa aside and tell her that maybe it’s time to work on her capacity for sensitivity. Aimee’s words make sense. Look, I suppose “extra” is a quality that makes a watchable (or f*cking hateful) reality star, but “sensitive” is the kind of quality a real live human should master. They end the conversation with a hug and everything is resolved, at least for now.
Back at the empty bar, Gus is opening up about some seriously sad and dysfunctional childhood history he had to muddle through and I’m once again stunned that someone so damaged has turned into such a kind person. Both Kirk and Codi emotionally support Gus as he tells his story and they validate his feelings and it’s possible I just hallucinated it – I did put some of Gus’ protein ice cream into my bong earlier this evening – but I think they may have also joined hands to sing a rollicking version of Kumbaya. There’s a genuine connection between the people in this house when they’re not fighting over nonsense and this scene illustrates those positive relationships.
And just when everything seems like it’s going well – just when we’re feeling thankful that nobody puked up a protein vodka shake – the guys are awakened at three in the morning by incessant knocking coming from the front door of the house. Codi toddles down the stairs, opens the door, and realizes the knocker is gone but a bouquet of daisies is there on the stoop. Yes, Logan delivered these flowers. He also delivered a note – I, too, was surprised the note wasn’t fashioned from cut out newspaper letters! – along with a bunch of pictures of Kortni’s face. The note remarked on her beauty and on his raging love for her and it concluded by wishing the woman who now flees from bars the second she sees his face a very happy four-month anniversary.
Maybe we all should start saying another prayer right about now.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.
