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It’s down to the wire, you guys, and it’s not looking pretty. Blackouts. Mystery matches. Hideously flawed strategies. Stephen and Julia, this generation’s Romeo and Juliet – the SparkNotes version anyway – confronted with the fact that experts believe they do not really belong together. And we haven’t even gotten to the moment when a Wolfman howled snout-up at the moon. Yes, after all this time there are still only two confirmed matches on Are You the One? and there’s very little time left for our frazzled contestants to figure it all out. Can they do it? Will Stephen and Julia put their budding romance on hold for the good of the competition? Will Ryan Devlin’s head explode in the face of such insanity? Will Gio then try to eat that head because he once heard that’s what wolves do? It’s time to find out!

Before this recap officially begins, allow me to say that I have zero patience for any of these people refusing to move away … Continue reading →

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You know it’s bad when even the host looks worried. Last week, as only four beams of light illuminated the blackest of skies, Ryan Devlin didn’t yell. He didn’t resort to scalding sarcasm. He just looked at the sorry bunch standing in front of him with disappointment and then he shook his head with the kind of resignation that sets in once you realize that several of these people might never get their heads out of their asses or cease proclaiming that they are wolves long enough to find their f*cking soulmates before the production schedule ends.

Ryan’s not the only one who’s worried. Concerns are abounding on that once-peaceful island. After all, nobody has any idea which pairings actually produced two of those flashes of light. There appears to be no strategy for moving forward to snag the prize money. And the participants? Some of them are falling apart. Emma keeps pining after boys who don’t appreciate her resting bitch face or her ability to cry on … Continue reading →

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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth – and then He created Julia. He adorned her with lustrous hair the color of a raven and blessed her with a rack so impressive that men had no choice but to gather by her side and offer to build her fires so she could stay warm. And as those men trudged through the wilderness looking for dry kindling, Julia would sit back and smile because she knew that she didn’t even have to say a single word to keep the flawed members of the male species enthralled. In fact, it would be her relative silence that most effectively wooed these men because it allowed them to project whatever it was they all really wanted unto her while she only needed to grin or giggle now and then to maintain their total devotion.

Now, I don’t have a problem with Julia the way I do with someone like Gio who appears to hurt people for sport while spouting … Continue reading →