Some “Bachelor” nuggets for you this week. First, starting off with your semi-annual “Bachelor Bio Breakdown.” Even though I gave you all 29 of these women 6 weeks (some even earlier than that), on Saturday their bios were released on ABC’s website, so now it’s my chance to dissect their corny and sometimes bizarre answers. I do this every season because these bios never fail to disappoint on the unintentional comedy scale. So enjoy as I have a little fun at these girls’ expense this season. Also, tonight is our first “Bachelor” related programming of the season as the 1-hour “Countdown to Arie” show graces our airwaves. Granted, it’s not appropriately titled as we know it should be called, “We Have To Do Whatever We Can to Re-Introduce You To a Guy Who Hasn’t Been on TV in Five Years and Who We Made The Bachelor at the Last Second,” but hey, I guess they were going for brevity. Chris Harrison gave a little preview, and it’s not gonna all just be about the guy they chose once Peter couldn’t agree to do the show. We’re gonna get updates on past couples, we’re gonna gonna have “Worst Kisses” moment, and we’re gonna see the intro videos of some of the women. Good times all around that I’m sure will be great programming for those having a hard time sleeping. Tomorrow I’ll be back with a mini-recap of what they give us, along with talking a bit about Winter Games and the horrible secret that Arie can’t keep about who he’s engaged to. Usually I have to wait until mid-March when the finale airs for my spoiler to be vindicated. But Not Peter’s social media boners twice already in the month he’s been back from filming have confirmed what I already told you. Makes my job so much easier. Thanks bud! Now, lets dissect these bios shall we? (Clicking on their name brings you immediately to their bio):
Her picture says, “I’m kinda rockin’ the Sarah Michelle Gellar look in ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer.’”
First girl out of the box when asked about what fictional character she would be said “Wonder Woman.” Somehow I think that’ll be a running theme. “She’s bad ass!” “She rocks!” “Woman power!” Maybe they should actually say Gal Gadot since she’s basically one of the hottest women walking the planet earth right now.
And yes Ali, you should be completely embarrassed that you listen Nickelback. We’re laughing at you, not with you.
Her picture says, “I’m here for the party, but I’m not staying long.”
She’d lunch with Kim Kardashian and Steve Jobs. Somehow I’m guessing Steve Jobs will want to leave that lunch immediately and fake a stomach virus or something.
She was the lead in the school play senior year. “Damn Yankees?” “Our Town?” Isn’t basically every 5th high school or so mandated to have one of those two as their senior play? Although I still thought that Merv the Perv should’ve gotten the lead in “Ma’am, Yank Me.” (Anyone who gets that reference can fill out an application to be my wife).
Her picture says, “I had to wear an olive top to match my eyes. Also, I’m really happy to be here.”
Didn’t go the Wonder Woman route, but would like to be a Disney princess so she can have her happily ever after with a Prince. Hey, Prince Lorenzo is still single. Hit him up.
One of the people she’d like to be for a day is Miley Cyrus because, ummm, don’t we all? Anyone aspiring to be Miley for a day must really like Molly. Just sayin’.
Her picture says, “No, I’m not Zoe Saldana. I’m just gonna play her this season.”
One of her top 3 movies is “The Family Stone.” I had to look that up since it didn’t ring a bell. One of those ensemble movies that has a bunch of A-list actors in it making you think it’s gonna be awesome, then blows donkeys because they thought they could get by with just the actors in it.
Hates doing laundry because it takes her a week to wash, fold, and put it away. Just do what I do Ashley. Wash them, fold them, then leave them on top of your dryer forever. It’s amazing. I wash non stop. Put them in the dryer immediately. Take them out the second that loud ass dryer buzzer goes off and start folding them. Yet I can’t seem to bring myself to walk the 30 feet or so from the laundry room to my bedroom to put them away.
Her picture says, “Hi. I’m Cobie Smulders.”
One of her three best attributes is honesty. Well, not quite Becca since in the 3 weeks since you’ve been home, you’ve already blatantly lied twice on social media to make people think you weren’t with Arie. First, when you guys went riding in Arizona with his friends that both he and his friend posted a picture of (both of which have since been deleted), you posted a pic on your IG that day of laying in bed with your friend. Lie.
And then last Friday’s doozy of you and Arie in the backyard of your safehouse visit and both posting pictures from the exact same backyard, yet you putting your location as “Fort Myers, FL.” Lie. Bhahahahahahahahaha. Uhhh guys, the backyard was EXACTLY the same and you posted on the same day. We’re not stupid.
Her picture says, “Shout out to all the pixie cuts out there. First one in 22 seasons, I totally stand out!”
She likes being the center of attention, which shouldn’t surprise people once you see her in action this season. Hippie chick. She does not wear bras, nor own any. She also doesn’t shave her arm pits. So there’s that. Yeah, I’d say that’s drawing a bit of attention to yourself.
And there’s a reason she’s the only girl whose bio doesn’t have her age listed. It’s because she never told Arie all season and it becomes part of her storyline – not to mention the reason she gets eliminated. She’s 22. I mean, we all know he likes em’ young, but for TV purposes, he can’t let America know that. So now all the sudden her age is a big deal to him. Please.
Her picture says, “I’m trying to give Jennifer Aniston’s look from the 90’s a 2017 feel to it.”
The question was “Would you consider yourself a lover of art?” Bibiana’s answer: “Yes. Wish I could be art.” Wait, huh? Wha? Come again? I have no f***ing idea what that means. And I’m guessing neither does she.
Her guiltiest pleasure is popping pimples. So, like she enjoys that? Really? I think I’ll choose to remember Bibi as America’s Sexiest Cheerleader as voted on by FHM Magazine in 2006. This 2017 version is ruining her for me.
Her picture says, “I’m easily one of the best looking girls who’s ever been eliminated on the first night. What the f**k happened?” (Oh wait, that’s what I’m saying about her picture).
If she could be someone else for a day, it’d be an NFL player because she’d make a great QB or WR. But if you’re them, you’re not you. You wouldn’t know how you’d be as QB or WR because…forget it.
Her greatest achievement is winning an Emmy after suffering heartache. Translation: Guy dumped me, I won a local TV Emmy, parlayed that into a one night appearance on the Bachelor, and now Willie Taggart bolted to Florida St and I’ll be stuck covering another 7-5 team next season unless Justin Herbert stays healthy.
Her picture says, “Don’t even ask about the spelling of my first name. I don’t get it either.”
Her fictional character would be Samantha from “Bewitched” because she could make anything happen. Huh? She could? I thought she just wiggled her nose and stupid sh** happened? Maybe I wasn’t paying attention as much as I should’ve. All I know is at some point during that show’s run they switched out the dad and pretended like nothing happened.
Her picture says, “Now THAT’S how you spell Brittany. Sorry Miss Spears.”
Not a whole hell of a lot interesting about her profile other than the fact the last two guys she dated were from a dating app and they’re horrible human beings. So going on this show was supposed to rectify that? You did realize who your “Bachelor” was going to be right? Not saying he’s a horrible human being. Just saying that you (and the other 28 women) were a means to end unfortunately.