Reality Steve

Ex on the Beach

“Ex on the Beach” – Nell Kalter’s Episode 9 Recap

Photo Credit: MTV

I saw a quiz on Buzzfeed this week that allows you to, through a series of questions, determine which Vanderpump Rules character you happen to be. I didn’t take it. I mean, what if my answer to one of the questions veered to the sociopathic and I came back a Jax or – horror of f*cking horrors – what if the questions reveal I’m a closeted lunatic and I subsequently get deemed a Kristen? But a quiz I probably would be brave enough to take would be about which Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor I’d be, and though I fully expect the answer would be Half Baked, I’m also fine hearing I’m a Karamel Sutra.

I bring up the concept of ice cream now for two reasons:

1. I think it wise that your mind embrace something sweet before watching this installment of Ex On the Beach because this is a straight hour of people behaving like the kind of hot garbage a cat with a bladder infection just pissed directly on.

2. Alicia yammers away at one point about flavors and I’ve already decided she is the walking manifestation of Ben & Jerry’s Fairly Nuts.

We’ll return to the ice cream analogy later, but first we have to see the aftermath of June’s exit. With June gone from the house, it’s time for Faith to completely rewrite history. Remember how the guy barely spoke to her and the way she continually complained because he gave her zero attention? Well, in her new retelling of a tale so compelling that I’ll forget it by the time I add punctuation to the end of this sentence, Faith is now claiming June was the right man for her and he adored her and it’s all Angela and Taylor’s fault he’s gone. Speaking of those girls, they have circled up (along with Victoria) because they have a new daily goal and that goal is to make sure Alicia knows Taylor has had enough. Angela implores Taylor to knock some sense into Alicia’s head — probably literally — but Victoria is only one making any real sense. She says Cory has some very heavy baggage and he may not be worth this sort of struggle. She’s absolutely correct, but since Angela is made of baggage like the rest of us are made of blood and cells, her goal is not to get her friend away from a man whose life – even while they’re isolated on an island – is way too complicated, but instead get her to murder the other woman from the inside out. What is Alicia doing while those girls are plotting against her? I’d love to say she’s building her own kayak out of a combination of tinfoil and the droppings from Angela’s muskrat lashes and planning her exit, but instead she is confiding to a row of cameras that something really dark comes out of her when she gets super angry and whatever it is cannot be controlled. Regardless of that propensity for shooting uncontrollable darkness, she believes she is definitely the right one for Cory and anyone who might be worried about her being around a child with those kinds of terrifying qualities is just being silly. The thing is, Cory is not shutting her down in any real way and so on she babbles about how Cory is making a giant mistake by not being with her, as though this time she will vary her enunciation in just right and Cory will stand up and scream, “Alicia is the madwoman for me!”

Maybe Cory will come to a decision later, like when his newest girlfriend spits on his ex-girlfriend from the balcony. (Oh, my friends, we will arrive at the bodily fluids in due time.) But first it’s time for new people to arrive and some of our houseguests are a bit concerned. Taylor already feels like she’s got more than enough to deal with in the house and besides, her salivary glands do not create nearly enough spit for her to rain loogies down on everyone, so hopefully her face is hanging from a flag just as a way to briefly emotionally gut her. After all, that’s the kind of thing one must expect when your official occupation is Reality TV Participant. Then there’s Chase. I said it rather bluntly in my last recap: the guy is clearly only with Victoria because nobody else with a vagina has shown up. He’s now aware that if a new girl shows up, she will most likely pull his focus from what he actually calls “a default relationship.” His comments are made all the more sad when Victoria is heard calling this assh*le “my man.” Every single bit of it feels icky to watch. Along with Chase and Taylor, Angela is also beckoned to the beach. It’s hard to imagine what any of this woman’s other exes could possibly be like, but maybe the Cash Me Outside girl has an older brother.

When Angela, Chase, and Taylor get down to the beach, Romeo is not there – at least not in person. My guess is he scored a few tickets to take a tour of an about-to-blow volcano and he wasn’t about to miss the majesty of nature just to let these idiots know someone is headed their way again. I do commend Romeo for delivering his recorded-on-an-iPad monologue with enough gravity that a casual viewer might think someone really important could be showing up, but the wise viewer is not at all surprised when former-Jehovah’s-Witness-and-now-a-farmer-of-medical-marijuana Joe appears. He’s Taylor’s ex, his tattoos are some of the worst I’ve ever seen, the two of them appeared on Are You the One together, and he hooked up with her the night before she left to do this show. Joe appears to be about 5’8” and he’s been blessed with a hefty dose of confidence that he and Taylor will be together for real now, even as Taylor’s first words upon seeing him are “Oh, no.” When he sits down besides her, she inches away like he’s got cooties – though it’s a pretty good chance they’ve all got cooties at this point – and Chase and Angela are dumbfounded that this man-bunned dude was ever involved with Taylor in the first place.

When he’s asked how long he and Taylor were together, Joe answers “A year and a half” just as Taylor responds “Three weeks.” So yeah, there seems to be a disconnect when it comes to one of these people’s understanding of reality. What I can’t quite understand is how Joe dropped this girl off at the airport, wished her good luck as she waved bon voyage to appear on yet another MTV dating show, and was then stunned when she appeared less than thrilled to see him. Thrilled she is not, and Chase inches away from the two lest he be stabbed with one of the daggers spiking right out of Taylor’s furious corneas.

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