It’s time to take stock, don’t you think? As the very willing participants of Ex On the Beach limp, crawl, or twerk their way towards the finish line, we should really see how things are shaping up before these people land with an unceremonious thud back in the Real World, a place where flags emblazoned with their faces will not rise in the distance and acting like an unrepentant assh*le can have consequences like prison or the presidency.
Here’s how things stand right now:
Cory is torn. Should he choose Alicia – whose dignity officially sank to the muckiest layer of the ecosystem when she crawled out of the ocean to appear on this show for the second time – or is his heart with Taylor? My guess heading into tonight’s show is that Cory will elect to be with Taylor. Their relationship is new and will therefore yield him a few calm moments, but let’s not forget that this is a guy who has already appeared on two MTV dating shows and he’s yet to mention having a proficiency in any trade other than getting laid while being filmed by night vision cameras, so I think it’s safe to bet he’ll be back on our TV screens soon – and he’ll be single when we see him again.
Lexi and Paulie? They’re on the outs. He will no longer mash avocados for her breakfast and she will no longer bang him in bathrooms while a camera crew giggles. I think they’ll reunite before the season ends, but that’ll mostly be due to boredom; they’re stuck on an island and one can only crack coconuts or wonder what will dribble out of Faith’s ass crack so many times. But once Lexi and Paulie return to a civilization, I doubt they’ll last as a couple for longer than an afternoon, though if they’re temporarily hammered, there’s a chance they’ll make it to dusk.
Then we have Victoria and Chase. She’s been into him since day one – you know, when he romantically asked if she wanted to go upstairs and f*ck – and he’s been into her since it dawned on him that nobody else with a vagina would be showing up on that island anytime soon. I think they’ll be finished by the time the show ends, but I also fully expect that Chase will drop in to see her every now and then and he will make sure to leave behind both mixed messages and a tiny wet spot when he leaves.
I try not to think about Derrick. I find him so pathologically stupid that his presence on this planet, combined with his ability to breed, actually causes me to feel anxiety about the future of our species. But if I had to take a guess, I think Derrick will return to the mainland, get the Snickers logo tattooed across his chest, and then he will hire the same PR firm that also represents the girl who was voted off fourth on the twelfth season of America’s Next Top Model in the hopes that he will become the chocolate brand’s newest spokesperson. And when he’s turned away because he’s a f*cking idiot, he will claim the company was just too narrow-minded to comprehend all the “extra” he has in his left testicle alone.
I don’t really care what happens to Chris once he leaves this house, but I sort of hope Chelsko is waiting in his driveway to declare her undying devotion to him and then I hope she goes ahead and actually f*cks that uncle while forcing Chris to watch.
And finally we have Angela, the first person to emerge from the sea during episode one, the girl who claimed she would run that house. And run that house she has. Her moods have controlled the climate more than the sun. Every single one of her emotions has been an emotion she felt she had to share and not one person in that villa told her even once to shut the f*ck up or that perhaps she should invest in some intense therapy since it’s actually rather alarming for a grown woman to behave so erratically for such inconsequential reasons. Maybe the reason nobody sat her down for an intervention was due to unadulterated fear, but as far as I see it, they are all complicit in her behavior now. Fortunately for society, Angela and her psychotic nature will remain somewhat contained for the foreseeable future. I hear she will appear soon on The Challenge, and since her only life skills appear to be bursting into tears or bursting into anger, it actually sounds like she’s chosen the color of her mentally-deficient parachute quite wisely.
Now, I wrote all that before watching this week’s episode and things could certainly change. It’s possible a therapist could be put on retainer and hold hourly appointments in the Shack of Secrets when it’s not being used to destroy someone’s already tarnished soul. After only a few sessions with an expert, maybe both Alicia and Taylor would wave goodbye to Cory forever and instead choose to date each other. Maybe Faith would realize she hasn’t fully evolved and that’s why she makes those bird sounds. Maybe Derrick would let go of his Snickers dream and instead aspire to be like a 100 Grand Bar. And perhaps Angela would embrace the concept of Stoicism instead of Narcissism – or perhaps the remainder of this show will pan out exactly as we all think it will, so let’s find out.
To kick off the episode, three flags go up and Alicia, Jasmine, and Chris are told to head to the beach. This is potentially the third ex arriving for Chris and, frankly, I’m surprised he’s gotten so many women to date him. I mean, they’re all willing to appear on this show so that sort of tells you who they are as human beings, but still. The only one excited is Jasmine. She has nothing going on in the house and I think she believes there’s a real chance she could actually wither up and die if the show ends and there’s not even one meme made of her being felt up during a Pimps and Hos theme party. It is an ex of Jasmine’s who comes crawling out of the sea, though by the time he reaches Romeo on the shore, his hair is magically dry. It’s as though maybe he wasn’t subsisting on seaweed and frolicking with mermaids while waiting to be reunited with his one true love! And speaking of their very significant romance, it doesn’t appear to have been a storybook romance. These two hooked up for a month and a half – and it was Marco’s longest relationship – so theirs is really more of a storybook pamphlet, the kind you’d find in a doctor’s office next to the pamphlets about venereal disease.
What do we learn about Marco? He describes himself as “the jalapeno pepper” in his relationships because he’s just that spicy. He also says the reason his romance with Jasmine died is because Jasmine was insecure. Marco’s explanation of her flaws would probably be the sort of exchange a normal person would roll her eyes at, but Jasmine hasn’t had any luck so far on that island and she’s pretty much willing to entertain anything with a penis at this point.
Exes do not show up for Chris and Alicia. They were summoned to that beach just for a wee bit of emotional torture, but it’s all good because they consented to such torture when they signed their contracts to be on this show. As for Marco, he immediately asks Jasmine if there are any brunettes in the house and Jasmine still thinks they have a chance and if I felt invested in either of these people in the slightest, this whole thing would be really sad. Alas, I don’t give a sh*t what happens to any of them, so – snarky and detached – allow me tell you what happens next:
Paulie and Lexi sit down to discuss if they have a future after Lexi saw all the incriminating sh*t on the guy’s phone. He assures her she is his number one priority going forward, but I’m not sure he knows what making someone a priority is all about because I just saw a story online about him making out with some girl from The Challenge. I suppose that chick is Paulie’s number one priority at this very second, but you should probably check back in four more seconds so I can let you know if she’s still holding tight to that esteemed position.
Also: I realize we’re dealing with inconsequential silliness here so it’s not like I’m claiming to be Nostradamus, but it’s nice to know I was right about one of my earlier predictions. Not even eight minutes have gone by and Paulie and Lexi are already reunited and doing a confessional together. Just so we’re clear, anyone wiping a sentimental tear from an eyeball right now can never ever be my friend.
While temporary love is being declared in one part of the house, Marco is staking his claim in another. He seems to like Shanley, so the two sit down and chat about how he played the UPS guy in the Legally Blonde musical and how his one line involved offering up his package. Watching the two from across the room, Jasmine declares: 1. Marco is a f*ck boy and 2. She’s over him. But since we all know that if this guy so much as smiles at her she will end up under him, we can take Jasmine’s declaration with a grain or six of salt. In the meantime, it appears Angela will soon have someone new to scream bloody murder at, so go ahead and either pretend to act surprised or join me in yawning. Shanley is the one on her sh*t list because Shanley just doesn’t love how Victoria, Taylor, and Angela have formed their own little coven. Though I personally wish their superpowers included spells like how to turn Angela sane, it seems this group is instead interested in laughing at Jasmine because she wore the same outfit two days in a row. Shanley thinks these girls are just plain mean – and she’s probably correct – and then we hear the announcer’s voiceover cautioning Shanley not to make Angela mad. Um, why not? What’s this girl gonna do besides what she’s always done? She will wave her arms and scream her face off and slam doors and WHO F*CKING CARES? But what I wouldn’t give for this show to be Survivor, because someone would have already drowned that chick by now and then blended her remains and swallowed them in one gulp during an immunity challenge.