In case you missed the first episode of this season’s Floribama Shore, allow me to catch you up: Kortni is psychotic. There. You now know all you need to know. What’s that? You demand evidence to back up my harsh (and completely accurate) diagnosis? Fine. As I am one of those pesky people who, you know, appreciates facts instead of blatant lies being peddled simply to support a false narrative, I am happy to inform you that my above statement is based on the following:
1. Kortni threatened to beat Nilsa’s carefully made-up face entirely in because Nilsa thought it fair that this summer she should get the larger bedroom.
2. Kortni decreed that particular bedroom to be permanently her own because she once peed on the rug and she believed saying this sentence was a good idea.
3. After a few of the boys jokingly moved her things, Kortni had to literally be held back from beating the sh*t out of Nilsa, Aimee, and Codi.
4. Neither Nilsa nor Aimee had anything to do with Kortni’s stuff being moved, yet they were both threatened with legitimate physical violence.
5. At one point, Kortni climbed atop the counter in the kitchen and kicked cans into the stunned faces of a few of her roommates.
6. The kicking of the cans occurred after she punched in a wall.
7. After partaking in some festivities at the bar, she had to be carried into a van.
8. As she reclined in said van, she started mumbling about beating in the faces of those around her.
9. When her boyfriend took a gander at her behavior and reprimanded her for acting like – at best – a quarter of a human, she bolted from the van to go beat him up as her desperate roommates held her back from committing physical violence for the third time that day.
10. Oh – and all of this went down in less than 24 hours.
Now, I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with Kortni, but I’m willing to wager that her ailments are a combination of alcohol + believing she’s only relevant when cameras are following her. There are two easy and obvious treatment options here, but let’s be serious. The girl is not about to kick either habit at any point in the near (or very far) future, so as my job is to recap what goes down on this show, I must take you back into the fray as Kortni barrels towards a guy she claims to love in a scene only reminiscent of the glorious romance from The Notebook because everyone involved here also has skin. The brawl never occurs. Codi, Kirk, Jeremiah, and Candace manage to push Kortni back inside the car as she wails, “What did I doooooo?” because she was born with a large tolerance for tequila but no self-awareness. Meanwhile, Nilsa and Aimee are back at the house and Gus is on his way there with the girl from the bar. When they walk in the door, Nilsa introduces herself by picking Michaela up and twirling her around – and, frankly, I’ve decided I would like to be greeted in the same way by every single person I meet in the future. See! Reality TV is all about aspirational living!
Turns out the pick-up-the-girl-and-twirl-her may not be the most genuine thing Nilsa’s ever done. Once Gus and Michaela head upstairs to writhe around under the covers, Nilsa remains in the kitchen where she eats chips and looks morose. Her salt-flavored solitude is about to be shattered by the arrival of the rest of the group. They’re having a rather interesting van ride home, what with Kortni crying so hysterically on Jeremiah’s lap that he needs to remind her how to breathe, but not a bit of that is as gross as Codi assuring her that she didn’t do anything wrong. Is this guy f*cking bonkers? The girl couldn’t walk. She threatened to beat up everyone in her blurry eyeline, including her boyfriend. Validating her behavior is maybe sicker than the actual behavior itself and Jeremiah knows Codi is an idiot. Look, I make fun of Jeremiah because the guy does sh*t like dab unironically in kitchens, but he is the only one calling things as they are and someone like Codi can’t deal with hearing the truth because Codi is foolish enough to think that hearing the truth means he’s being spoken down to and that truth could cause him to have to reevaluate some personal behavior and self-reflection is even harder than keeping ugly white pants clean. Once they’re home, Codi stalks around the house mumbling that he hates Jeremiah while the rest of the crew stands outside the open bedroom door where Gus is f*cking the girl who SIGNED A RELEASE TO GET NAILED ON CAMERA to cheer his stamina. Listen – I give any guy with stamina props. Not even his hair goes limp!
The next morning, Kortni’s eyeballs and hand hurt, but physical pain is not about to stop her from cracking open a beer and screaming, “I’m ready to party, people!” She’s adorable, isn’t she? Then Candace reminds her about how she tried to go fight her boyfriend, an act Kortni has zero recollection of, but nobody should be concerned here. Blacking out is totally normal and, really, it’s just part of Kortni’s brand and she needs a brand if she’s going to land that Depends campaign. Upon hearing the news of her almost-brawl, Kortni goes upstairs to call Logan to find out everything she cannot recall. Is Logan still angry that his girlfriend behaved like an animal stricken with rabies the night before? Stop being silly! He answers the phone, calls her babe, and the two of them giggle because rage drinking is even sweeter than tattooing the name of some girl you will one day hate across your ass in big bold letters. Last week I recommended that Logan head to a safe house in the Caribbean, but it turns out my planning was for naught. This is a guy who adores unstable girls who punch walls. May they live happily ever after in a bunker somewhere so the rest of humanity remains safe.
Before they can go drink whatever alcohol is left in Panama City proper to celebrate their birthday weekend, Gus and Jeremiah head off to the gym. They are both wearing tank tops that say “GYM” on them, maybe to remind them of where they’re going just in case they get distracted by a shiny billboard for some new brand of protein powder in the distance. The rest of the group ends up at a restaurant where they suck on the heads of crawfish, engage in some day drinking, and discuss how condescending it is that Jeremiah tells the truth. Codi decides that Jeremiah is petty – which is sort of hilarious – and he swears that the rational guy in the house will not ruin his summer because nothing says “perfect summer” like behaving like a f*cking moron without ever learning a blessed thing. And once he’s back at the house and hammered almost beyond comprehension, Cody feels brave and decrees that Jeremiah be brought to him where he reclines like a doofus on a patio chair because he’s ready to confront the issues that arise when Jeremiah implores the people in the house to behave like human beings.
“You don’t like me,” Codi announces to Jeremiah as the rest of the group watches.
“It’s not that I don’t like you,” Jeremiah rationally responds. “I don’t like the stupid sh*t you do.”
(Now, let’s remember that not two commercial breaks ago Codi assured Kortni – after she’d tried to deck anyone she saw with a face – that she had done absolutely nothing wrong. Keep that idiocy in mind during the rest of this confrontation, okay?)
“I care about everyone in this house, and if that means I have to beat your f*cking ass, I’ll beat your f*cking ass,” swears Codi – and while I would very much like that sentence printed on a tee so I can wear it when I meet someone who then twirls me around in the air, I can’t say that any part of Codi’s message actually makes sense.
After that confrontation goes absolutely nowhere and nothing gets resolved, the group starts getting ready to go out because A) It’s Jeremiah and Gus’ birthday weekend and B) They promised the producers they’d do most of their fighting at bars. Nilsa and Aimee decide to toss on some wigs for the evening. Codi thinks Nilsa looks like a model in her blonde wig while Aimee’s bright blue wig makes her feel like a Cotton Candy Princess who lives on a planet with happy people who get high all day in between all the orgies that go down and I officially now know where I’d like to live next. Unfortunately, Aimee has to quickly leave the imaginary orbit of the orgies because she walks into the bathroom and sees all of her toothpaste has been squeezed out – and it’s not even the generic sh*t. She immediately thinks Codi and Gus were the culprits and she is pissed. She comes from nothing. Her family works hard to pay for everything, and that includes toothpaste. She does not f*cking appreciate when her stuff is ruined. It’s a fair point she makes, though she follows it up by complaining that Nilsa does not have her back because Nilsa stayed downstairs without immediately telling those guys to f*ck off. I tell you, the loyalty these people demand from one another is no joke, but perhaps they’d all have a way easier time granting that undying loyalty if there weren’t so many skirmishes occurring every f*cking second that then required loyalty. (I must sound like Jeremiah right now what with being, you know, f*cking correct.) Speaking of Jeremiah, he doesn’t know why these people keep messing with each other’s things because the reactions that occur are not fun in the slightest. This particular prank ends with Aimee crying and Gus – who I think is deep down a very decent guy – taking her outside to swear he didn’t do it, but that he understands her reaction. In turn, she apologizes for calling him a bitch and admits that’s the sort of thing she needs to work on and I like these two. I’m rooting for them. I’m also rooting for Gus and Jeremiah to hire themselves some stylists, but I suppose I should focus on one thing at a time.
The Toothpaste Mystery is never solved and they head out to the bar after Nilsa practices pouting into a mirror. Logan meets them and Kortni lets us know that he is just the sweetest person, what with the way he once knocked some guy out after that guy called Kortni a slut, and she shows her devotion by humping his ass on the dance floor. (It’s sort of what I’d call #RelationshipGoalsInThePostApocalypticUniverseWhenOnlyTwoHumansRemainInTheGalaxy.) Meanwhile, Nilsa catches sight of Gus smooching some girl and decides he should be smooching her instead. So what that she blew him off last summer? This summer she’s willing to actually blow him, so she sits on his lap in a crowded van and starts kissing him while Aimee’s eyes bug out of her head in disbelief. Back at the house, Nilsa tells Jeremiah that she likes Gus for real and Jeremiah responds much as we all would: he runs to the confessional room and begins praying to God that Gus will not succumb to Nilsa’s bullsh*t. But even some guy named Jeremiah speaking directly to a deity isn’t enough to stop this train from moving forward, so Gus requests that Kirk throw himself between the two if at any point he sees Nilsa’s genitals beginning to align with Gus’. It’s a decent plan and all, but Kirk eventually heads to bed and that’s when Nilsa asks Gus to sit with her and the two make googly eyes at one another and you just know this sh*t is on for real and it’s sort of sweet that they didn’t even need to head to an Orgy Planet run by a Cotton Candy Princess to find romance.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.