Floribama Shore

“Floribama Shore” – Nell Kalter’s Episodes 1 & 2 Recap

Photo Credit: MTV

It’s a new day and the urine has dried and crusted over. Nilsa – who looks very pretty without all that makeup – whispers to a newly conscious Kortni that there are rumors flying that she peed the bed. These rumors are lies, Kortni declares. She doesn’t pee in beds! And besides, she would never make such a foolish decision that would, say, be on par with allowing cameras to film her first experience with independence and then have that footage out there haunting her forever. Oh, wait…

After the craziness of the night before, the group decides to have a low-key barbeque where a lot of information comes out. Gus wants everyone to know that yes, he is extremely pretty, but he’s had it rough and both he and his hair are vulnerable. It’s Nilsa, however, who breaks down and reveals she married a guy she fell madly in love with, he deployed a month later, and he ended up being very different than he first appeared. On top of that, she suffered a miscarriage. As she cries talking about something that continues to devastate her, Gus gets up to console her, Codi cries with her, and every other person at that table responds with compassion and empathy. Candace is the one who locates the silver lining and promises Nilsa she will meet a wonderful guy who won’t misrepresent himself and she’ll eventually have a family and the whole thing is very sweet. Seems this show can periodically be heartwarming and it actually reaches that level when Nilsa explains, “I think we’re all going through something and we’re all gonna help each other through these dark places we’re in and finally get a chance to break away and heal with each other.” I challenge anyone right now to find one f*cking example from Full House where D.J. says anything that even remotely comes close to that level of temporarily-sober self-awareness.

Gus really wants to be the one to help Nilsa heal – and if he could get himself laid in the process, he’d enjoy that, too. He asks her on a date and she agrees, but she’s nervous. Gus is her roommate. She hasn’t been on a date in three years. And Jeremiah can make his pecs dance and what if such a thing means he’s the right man for her? But Nilsa will have to worry about all of that later because it’s time to spend a day on the beach. Most excited is Kortni who expresses her joy thusly: “I can get drunk when the f*ck I want. I can get tan when the f*ck I want and I can just be me. There is not one other bitch like me.” And on behalf of all the other bitches, you are all f*cking welcome.

Now, I suppose I could blame a lack of traditional socialization due to his home schooling for the fact that Jeremiah is attracted to Kortni’s revolting behavior, but I think it’s just that the guy has seriously questionable taste. I’m not sure how else to explain how he could stare at a girl pissing in a trashcan and decide she’s sexy, but maybe I’m the weird one and watching someone pee is supposed to make me feel all tingly inside. In any case, Jeremiah decides he’s going to ask Kortni out, but don’t worry, you guys. He’s not trying to “catch feelings” – though I suppose it’s entirely possible he could wind up catching something else.

It’s time for Gus and Nilsa’s date and he walks downstairs rocking a shirt and tie. His hair is pushed way up – and so is Nilsa’s bullsh*t detector. As they dine, Nilsa is freaked out by Gus’ intensity, by how he claims to like her so quickly, and the way he eats cheesecake off the floor, but all of that is nothing compared to how horrified she is when Gus tells her Jeremiah’s plans to take Kortni on a date. “He likes the loud, obnoxious girl?” Nilsa wonders aloud. Still, she’s not all that threatened by Jeremiah’s bizarre affections for a girl who cannot control her bodily functions. As she explains, “Kortni can go on a date with Jeremiah all day long, but at the end of the day, if I want Jeremiah, I will have Jeremiah.” Translation: game f*cking on, but let’s all remember that the grand prize here is a guy who punctuates his sentences with a dab and proudly calls himself a douchebag, so the real winner will be whichever girl forfeits this sad game first. Also sad? Gus. Even after he shells out $150 for dinner, Nilsa won’t kiss him and she’s now downgraded their next date to lunch – or Pringles on the patio.

And now it’s time for these kids to earn their keep and be put in situations likely to make them reactionary, so they report to orientation. They’ll be working beach service for the summer and we quickly find out that not only does standing hurt Aimee, but she’s allergic to all aspects of labor. As a result, choosing to star on a reality TV show where all she has to do is act like a lunatic while drunk is a f*cking genius move on her part – seriously. Clearly not hovering anywhere around genius status is Jeremiah. He watches Kortni run around and behave like a total moron and muses, “I feel like maybe there’s a lot more to Kortni.” And I, Jeremiah, feel like maybe there’s a planet inhabited only by mermaids, but chances are we’re both wrong and at least me being incorrect will not lead to someone pissing on my mattress.

For their big date, Jeremiah is decked out in a polka dot shirt, suspenders, a bow tie, and Clark Kent glasses. I’m dizzy just glancing at him, but I’m betting Kortni’s already feeling the spins so she doesn’t even react. He takes her to a hibachi place where she implores the waiter to squeeze tequila directly into her mouth. Jeremiah tells her his first impression was that she was “a hot mess,” but he thinks maybe there’s more to her and it’s just sad to watch someone in suspenders try to excavate qualities in someone that probably do not exist. After he swallows a blob of wasabi that almost kills him – even his polka dots start sweating – he finally realizes Kortni is exactly who she presented herself to be and he announces the two are just “bros.” Then he makes her kick in for half the check and she punishes him by crawling into his bed later that night because Kortni is a f*cking mess. And as Jeremiah reluctantly spoons a crazy chick and wonders if he can diaper her when she slides into a REM cycle, Nilsa crawls ninja-style to check out her non-competition before twerking alone in a room occupied only by a camera because, dammit, if she doesn’t land herself a proud douchebag, she will land herself a spinoff.

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