Reality Steve

The Bachelor 22 - Arie

(SPOILER): An Episode 1 Breakdown of the “Bachelor”

-Once the cocktail party starts, the narrator of the whole night becomes Chelsea. Seems like the theme of the first night revolves around her and her time with Jef Holm’s Runner Up. She steals him away immediately once inside the cocktail party after he gives his speech and gives him a, “This is the only time that I will ever be your first because I hope to finish and be your last.” Barf. She doesn’t tell him about her son wanting to keep it mysterious and he seems to like that. Maquel interrupts and steals her away and basically the rest of the night, Chelsea feels like she didn’t get enough time. And we hear about it. Over and over and over. It’s annoying. She calls Maquel “the girl that makes all the noise” (bc she arrived in a race car). Then Maquel uses her time to take a selfie with him.

-He tells Jay-quellan that during Emily’s season he was more of a boy, but now he’s more of a man. Can you excuse me while I pump my own stomach? Thanks. So the best reason to come up with was to steal a line from an old Britney Spears song and just change “girl” and “woman” to “boy” and “man?” Got it.

-Brittany takes him to the driveway and has mini race cars set up with some cones to race. “If I win, I get a kiss.” She was getting killed the whole race but he let her win in the end bc, well, he never wins, and they kiss. No makeout, but she acts like they did because she went on and on about the kiss and all that was showed was a peck on the lips. She went inside and told the others about it, and you’ll never guess whose blood got boiling from this? Chelsey. “Maybe I’m the person that’s gonna interrupt now…This mama means business.” We’ll get to her later.

-They show him spending time with a lot of the women throughout the night. The next four were Kendall (playing the ukulele), Caroline (brought him a pizza), Lauren G (gave him pineapple and talked about their safe word), Jenna (high energy, gave him a foot massage), Annaliese (finally takes off mask), then Becca (family means a lot to her, had a list of questions from her mom).

-Girls then start freaking out who haven’t gotten time, which has been a running theme on night 1 for, oh I don’t know, all 34 seasons of this show. You can count on two things to always happen during the cocktail party the first night: 1) Everyone starts freaking out about not getting any time and 2) Everyone starts freaking out when the first impression rose appears like they’ve never seen the f***ing show before. It’s bizarre. Every. Single. Season.

-Chelsea interrupts him talking to Krystal and now has her second chance with him before some have had their first which, in case you didn’t know, is completely dictated by producers. They know damn well what storylines they’re working with on night one and if Chelsea got time with him twice before any girl saw him once, it was because producers made sure that happened. Chelsey makes out with him then tells some of the girls “I just met him for the second time.” Soooo yeah, that’s gonna rub some the wrong way.

-Jenny is a graphic designer and drew a picture of him that she had framed and, you know what? It wasn’t half bad. Kudos to her. I’ll be damned if I thought I was gonna be looking at some third grade art when she revealed what she drew.

-Tia talks about how she’s a clown and she likes to keep it light, and Second Fiddle totally agrees that’s him too. For the record, Tia is absolutely 100% Raven 2.0. They look alike, they talk alike, and well, they’re close friends too, lets not forget that. I know a lot of you have asked about next “Bachelorette” and we know how this works. There’s been 13 previous “Bachelorettes.” Every single one of them finished in the top 4 of the season they were on. Sure, they could branch out and go rogue and surprise, but that usually only happens with the “Bachelor,” as evidenced by Nick and Arie Who the last two seasons. Way too early to predict who’s gonna be the “Bachelorette,” but history says it’s gonna be Tia, Kendall, or Lauren B. Kendall is definitely the odd ball of the group with her love for taxidermy and her ukulele playing, but hell, it’s an even playing field as of now. Let it play out over the next couple months before we start really trying to dissect it.

-Jessica came to him with an interesting story, although, who knows if it’s true or not. She tells him that her dad met Arie a long time ago, but he’s since passed away. He always approved of him, so to her, it was fate that they met. She never tells us how, when, and why her dad met him, just that they met. That story resonated so much with Arie, he sent her home the first night. Womp wooooooomp.

-Bekah M. takes him outside and they talk on the old fashioned car she came riding in on. She asks him to tell her 3 things that make him excited to be alive. I don’t know if he can’t count to three or what, but here were the answers that came out of his mouth: excitement, adrenaline, pizza, good food, company. Yes, she asked him to name 3 things that get him excited to be alive and he answered “excitement.” Bright kid. Bekah M. is definitely different than most of the cookie cutter girls you see on this show. The hair, for one. But she’s a hippie chick, likes to rock climb, doesn’t wear bras, doesn’t shave her arm pits, and her running story all season is she doesn’t tell him her age, even though her intro video she says she’s 22. But I think people will like her BECAUSE she’s not your typical girl you see on this show.

-First impression rose goes to Chelsea, and as expected, a few of the girls aren’t happy. Chelsea is totally humbled and takes it in stride. Kidding. Her response: “I’m not competitive by nature but if I see something I want, I go after it.”

-The episode that is released to the media stops right before the rose ceremony begins because they don’t want media spoiling it. Well, that’s what I’m here for, and you’ve known for a couple weeks now who goes home the first night. It’s Olivia Goethals, Bri Amaranthus, Ali Harrington, Brittane Johnson, Amber Wilkerson, Jessica Carroll, Nysha Norris, and Lauren Jarreau.

This has been added to your first 3 episode-by-episode spoilers, and of course you have your final four breakdown, meaning I still need to get you your middle episode spoilers. Hope to have those by next week. If not, I’ll just post what I have. There’s only a couple eliminations I’m missing along with a couple dates.

Send all links and emails to: To follow me on Twitter, it’s: Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page, or listen to all my podcasts at Apple Podcasts. Talk to you tomorrow.

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