Dr. Reality Steve
I know you aren’t married but you are a Man. Me and my husband (28 and he is 32) have been married 4 years have a 6 year old and live in a little tiny town in good ol Indiana. He is a manager at Wal Mart and I’m a server at Cracker Barrel. I need a mans advice! How do i spice up our relationship. We are in love but it’s like we just move through the cycle of life wake up work raise our kid repeat. Last month we went to the U.K. vs Louisville college basketball game (big U.K. fans over here) it was so fun but maybe TMI but we are so ‘old and lame” when we got to hotel we went to bed! Straight to bed! I just wanna feel like our honeymoon again! If you were him what would you want your wife to do for you? He works so hard and i appreciate him so much! Thanks!!
Comment: The good news is you might think you’re old and lame and there’s no spice in your marriage, but trust me, there are plenty of other marriages that suffer from exactly what you’re suffering from. Even some that are less than 4 years as well.
The bad news is, well, the marriage seems a bit sexless right now and that’s never any good.
Did you both get back from the game and go to bed? Was he in the mood and you weren’t? Vice versa? You said “we are so old and lame” so my guess is both of you. And yes, I know I’m not married, but I know plenty of people who are. And we talk. Marriage becomes all about routine, especially when kids are involved. This is very common. How about you designate one night a week to make sure it’s just you and him? No kid, have someone watch them, and you guys make sure to get alone time. I’m guessing the lack of sex probably centers around your child being around. Maybe it doesn’t have to be once a week, but at least once every couple weeks or once a month. You’ve probably gotten lost in your kids lives that you’ve forgotten about your marriage. Try that. Surprise him with a night out. No guy would turn that down. Start there and see how he reacts.
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Hi RealitySteve,
I (30) have been going out with my boyfriend (37) for 4 months. Right at the beginning we met he made it clear he was after a long relationship and would like to have children in the next few years. We have said ‘I love you’ to each other, I met both sides of his family over Christmas and we are planning a 3 week overseas holiday in a month’s time. I have had my fair share of relationships in the past, yet have never been in love or believe in soulmates, so although we are in the early phase of honeymoon of the relationship, for me I finally understood when someone says ‘when you know, you know’ it feels natural and easy, and he has a lot of qualities I am looking for in a relationship and we have similar views and values in life.
During Christmas holidays I confessed to him that I think he is the one for me, just to express to him how I feel, but as it was early in our relationship the I was not expecting him to say anything similar back, and I would have been happy to hear that he is maybe not there yet but feel we are on a good track to building towards it. When I told him, he froze completely and told me he has a block from when he thought his first love was the one for him when he was 18, and how she broke his heart, and now there is a block. I was taken back and did not say anything more.
When I bought up the topic again 2 weeks after I thought he would have some time to process everything. He said: he had 2 relationships in the past where he thought they were the one, but each time we was wrong, and if he felt I was the one this early on, there would be something wrong with the relationship. He spent the next hour after my probing explaining how he was blocked when it came to this aspect, but said ‘If someone said to me I need to spend the rest of my life with you, I would not flinch’. Exactly what a woman wants to hear! What really hurt me was he was mostly hung up over his first love from 18 years ago, and has not once even said how he feels about me in the 2 discussions we had, I felt that if he was not able to move on, then no matter who I am or what I do could change this fact. His history of staying in later relationships even though he knew the women were not for him long-term was very concerning for me, and I do not want to be with anyone who does not feel the same way about me. We had a big fight over this and he could suddenly see I was the one for him, and he had thought about it and decided he had a ‘breakthrough’ and is now ‘unblocked’, and I am apparently ‘The One’, and what he feels for me is stronger than the 2 women in the past. It is extremely hard for me to believe a word of it, especially after all the effort he gone into to explain to me why he is incapable of feeling like this for anyone, and those statements although hurt me deeply, at least had real truth in it.
I know it is very early in the relationship to be discussing topics like this, but I need to know I am not with an emotionally unavailable guy who is determined to hold on the memories of his first love and not looking at our relationship for what it could be, and I don’t want to find out years down the line I have become another women he is ok to settle with despite knowing I am not the one. Are you able to give me some clues in terms of what his thinking process is, and what is the right way to determine which is his truth? (I don’t think he knows himself) What is the timeframe when someone should know in their gut whether this is the right relationship or not?
Confused & Lost in Central London
Comment: London? Nice. Hey kids, Big Ben. Parliament.
Anyway, with a guy like this, you basically can’t rely on his words. Let him SHOW you you’re now the one he thinks you are. You have every right to be disturbed he still holds a candle for a relationship that’s 18 years removed. But if he says he changed after your fight, let him show it.
It’s one thing for him to freeze up after you told him 4 months into the relationship you thought he was the one, although you did both exchange ILY’s so that’s good, but the fact he talked about “blocking” and two girls from his past he thought were the ones ended up not being the one, that’s just weird. Like, get over it pal. I’m sure all of us early in our 20’s thought someone was the one and then they weren’t. Difference is we’re still not pining over it 20 years later. His “truth” will come out in his actions. His words are his words. Guys get away with it all the time. Let his actions back up what he says. I think you’ll know once this 3 week trip you have planned is over. That’s a big step to take that long a trip with someone within the first 6 months. If either of you don’t know after that, then it’s probably not gonna work.
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Dear Dr Steve,
I am now at a point in my relationship where I feel the need to ask for advice, because I am feeling a little lost. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. I know that after 3 years things start to slow down a little in the sex department. Sex and things like passionate kissing for me is how I feel intimately close to my partner. For my boyfriend he loves to cuddle (which I love), but we are now going on 2 months now without any sex or passionate kissing. I love the guy and our relationship but I don’t know what to do or what I am doing wrong. I have tried surprising him with lingerie, I even bought this weird Pheromone perfume from a pure romance party LOL, stuff like that but nada, nothing. He doesn’t reciprocate my moves to try to make out with him or anything. And I am starting to feel like such a fool. I have tried to talk to him about it or straight up just be like “babe lets f****” (sorry graphic I know) and I just get round about responses that make me feel like I am never going to get action from him again. I am starting to feel unattractive and overall like he isn’t into me but he swears he is. What do I do? This isn’t necessarily a relationship deal breaker for me, but it is something I feel like needs to be seriously addressed. I know that the way he feels intimate is cuddling don’t get me wrong snuggling up to him is great. And he will ‘take care of me’ sexually so to speak while he stays fully clothed and isn’t interested in kissing me, and I appreciate that but it also isn’t what I am needing. I can feed the beast (sorry once again) myself whenever I want, I want the closeness of making out and being physically intimate TOGETHER. We haven’t had a solid make out session since October (I am not kidding, he’s only given me pecks since then). I don’t know what to do.
Thanks!
Comment: Geez. Two of the three questions today surrounding the lack of intimacy in relationships. And you guys aren’t even married yet. That’s not good. Your boyfriend isn’t making you feel wanted or feel sexy is a major problem in my eyes. Especially when you’re essentially throwing it in his face and he still won’t reciprocate. You haven’t kissed your boyfriend in 3 months? I mean, not knowing anything about your situation, it could be a myriad of things as to why he’s closing himself off. However, none of them is an excuse for not even kissing your girlfriend for 3 months. You have to bring this up to him and flat out ask. I’m sure he realizes it. Every guy does. But you need answers because there is zero chance for this relationship to move forward if your guy feels he can go months without even kissing you. He can’t say he’s tired, or work is hard, or he’s stressed. There really isn’t an answer he can give that I can think of that’d be acceptable. So basically you have to confront him, ask him why he isn’t the least bit intimate anymore, and what the problem is. No matter what he says, his actions after that talk will let you know if things are gonna change. You’ve been with him 3 years. You’ll know if he’s doing it just to do it, or if he’s really into you. But this behavior is not good and I have a feeling this might not end well. I just can’t see him all the sudden doing a 180 and being all over you unfortunately. There’s something he’s not telling you and you need to find out what it is or you’ll drive yourself mad.
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