Welcome to MTV’s Ex On the Beach, a social experiment the founders of television could never have expected to transpire, not even on the days they drank straight scotch until they saw only static. This program brings reality stars and “social media stars” – and if you’re not already sighing heavily, we can never be friends – into a gorgeous villa in Hawaii so they can be manipulated while cameras film every second of their inebriated time. Join me from the comfort of your sofa (where, hopefully, there’s nary an ex in sight) as we witness fitness models, a DJ, and former contestants from shows like Big Brother, The Bachelor, and Are You the One as they head to what they pretended to believe would be paradise until the producers revealed the real plot: that their exes would eventually wash upon the shores like debris and subsequently scatter the senses of every single person present.
I suppose I’m entering into these proceedings in a rather cynical manner, but let’s call it like it is, yes? The entire premise of this show is about blindsiding people who, for whatever reason, actually believed MTV simply wanted to pay for them to lounge around a mansion and find love. I cannot possibly be the only person who would be suspicious about such a kind offer from reality show producers, and one would think that since half the cast has already been down that cobbled reality road before and puked along the journey, they really should have their antennae collectively up and been just a wee bit more prepared for the invariable twists designed to make their lives hell.
But before their existences can morph into the kind of “nightmare” the announcer rather gleefully swears will occur – and you can tell it’ll be a serious kind of nightmare because even the show’s logo involves a graphic of dripping blood – let’s first meet the people who convinced themselves that MTV really just wanted to invest in their bliss:
Angela comes to us from The Bad Girls Club. She hails from New Jersey, proudly rocks fake hair and fake breasts, and seems to enjoy shoving her fingers into the faces of people she disagrees with during verbal altercations. She is positive she will be running the house – and unless someone wants to get stabbed with one of those talons, she probably will get away with calling any and all shots. My guess is that she officially snagged her spot on this show by saying the sentence “I want to get leied and get laid” in the very first seconds of her casting interview.
Tor’i is a fitness model. He claims the ladies love him, and perhaps they do, but my first impression is that the guy has a bigger chest than I do. He takes one look at Angela and his eyes bulge out of his head like he’s a cartoon character and I’m certain we have just witnessed the start of something very deep and lasting. (You all speak sarcasm, right? Just checking.)
Faith is a girl from Vanderpump Rules who apparently enjoys sleeping with men who have both rage disorders and girlfriends in front of elderly people who hire her to be a caretaker. She also once peed in a guy’s car after that guy treated her poorly and she cannot fathom why she’s currently single. And now I shall refrain from saying anything else about Faith because she immediately announces that she was in the military and has been trained to kill and I believe her.
Cory already has experience with an MTV reality show. He’s been on The Challenge and he holds the distinction of being the guy who has hooked up with more contestants on that show than any other being with a pulse. He whips out a roll of condoms and announces he’s “the party starter” and I’m already perplexed that any girl hooked up with him, let alone on camera.
Chase was on The Bachelorette. And now he’s done with the romantic sh*t like fully-clothed dates and roses and has instead taken to using expressions like “How could you not want to f*ck me? Even I want to f*ck me.” Perhaps it’s because Buffalo Bill uttered something similar while he kept a victim in a hole in the ground in The Silence of the Lambs, but Chase officially wins for creeping me out the most.
Also coming from Bachelor Land is Jasmine. She’s now looking for love – or, you know, screen time – in a world Chris Harrison wouldn’t enter even on a double dare.
Taylor was on Are You the One. She’s a former teacher (at twenty-three years old, I’m wondering if those teaching days occurred when she and her friends used to play School in the basement) and she likes bad boys so this show should be a f*cking smorgasbord for her. She arrives at the house, looks around at eliminated contestants from The Bachelor, and decrees she’s living in a “celebrity house,” so I automatically feel badly for her because delusion is a tough thing to overcome.
Paulie was a contestant on Big Brother. He claims he’s single because of his raging vulnerability, but then he explains that his last relationship ended because he slept with someone else and I’m just not quite sure where his vulnerability lies in that equation.
Victoria is a fashion blogger who twerks along the Jersey Shore and, if you get in her way, she will take your man. She’s already into Chase.
Chris is an international DJ who knows people think he’s a douchebag, but he’s not, you guys! No, he is just awesome – which he says three times, so you know it’s true – and he’s here to find the one or to get more famous, whichever comes first.