Reality Steve

Ex on the Beach

“Ex on the Beach” – Nell Kalter’s Episode 5 Recap

Photo Credit: MTV

Now that the most power they’ve ever had in their collective lives has faded away into nothingness, much like all of these relationships soon will, the OGs realize they’d better start coming up with some creative ways to secure their spots. Angela is the first to test out a strategy and that strategy is lying. With a straight face, she swears to Derrick that she’s had his back since he showed up, even though she has publicly announced she wants him gone so frequently that she may as well get a job as a Town Crier. (Hopefully that job comes with benefits, like a good deductible on a therapist.) Faith’s method is less about telling bold lies and more about taking a bubble bath with a man who first waxes poetic about the size of her ass and then slips into sentences ruled by metaphysical nonsense about the magical connection they share. All of these musings are entirely unnecessary; Faith is desperate for attention and physical contact and she will bang him even if he scrawls “I am a sociopathic homicidal mute with the smallest d*ck in all the land” across the steamy bathroom mirror using just his bath-shriveled testicles.

Speaking of d*cks, now that he’s got some semblance of power, Derrick lies to Tori’s face and swears that not only is he planning to keep him there, but he also thinks Tor’i and Angela make a lovely couple and he hopes they leave that villa together. (Join me in a quick prayer session, won’t you, that the first place this wonderful – and not at all doomed – couple chooses to go once they’re back on the mainland is to a sterilization clinic.) Tor’i doesn’t believe Derrick and lets him know it. In order keep her property safe, Angela begs Tor’i to “stop digging his own grave” and just leave Derrick alone. Now, I don’t know if Tor’i has some prior grave digging experience that causes his subsequent rage – maybe he tried out for the role of the grave digger in a production of Hamlet once and was passed over and he’s harbored fury about grave digging ever since – but he loses his entire mind during the one time Angela actually makes excellent sense. As far as he sees it, to simply ignore Derrick would be akin to kissing Derrick’s ass and he will not kiss any man’s ass besides Chase’s and maybe Cory’s, but that’s only because Cory is pretend royalty.

Tor’i eventually heads outside with King Cory and explains that he no longer feels like he and Angela are on the same page and she’s just not the girl for him. After uttering those fateful words, Tor’i really should do a cannonball off the terrace, head for open waters, and call it a f*cking day, but instead he goes inside and basically sends Cory upstairs to end things with Angela. How does Angela deal with rejection, you ask? Well, she begins by bellowing that Tor’i is a mother*cking p*ssy. He responds by bellowing right back, “We through. You ain’t real,” and all of a sudden I’m pretty sure his grave digging fury has nothing whatsoever to do with any production of Hamlet. Every person in that house – except Hayley, who is passed out completely – attempts to stop Tor’i from melting down. They try verbal placating and physical restraints, but none of it works so perhaps June the Bubble Master can run into the bathroom and chant some more metaphysical nonsense directly up to the heavens in the hopes that the universe itself will somehow stop Tor’i from freaking the f*ck out.

“I’ve done everything for you!” Angela shrieks, mascara running in rivulets down her face. (Everybody breathe…her lashes are still holding.) And listen, I’m not entirely a cold-hearted bitch. I know what it feels like to think you have a connection with someone and suddenly have it turn like expired milk. I am sadly familiar with thinking some guy is strong when he’s actually a humungous weenie. I get it, but must she flip out continually in front of cameras? It’s as though some part of her believes that the only feelings she has that matter are those she has in front of an audience and it’s all rather sick and sad because in what warped universe does she expect she’ll ever find a decent person who will take a gander at her screaming and her proclivity for weave-yanking and then snap her up before anyone – like a parole officer – can get to her first? Moreover, it’s legitimately hilarious when she sits in the confessional room and spouts her astonishment that a guy she’s known only for a couple of weeks could possibly question her loyalty. Honey, if you’re not still questioning someone’s loyalty after only two weeks, you need to get your head out of your ass – but don’t then stick your head into Faith’s ass. That sphincter needs a breather.

Also: Taylor and Cory bang and the entire thing is seen via a not-at-all-creepy night vision filter.

Also: Haley sleeps through that too.

Later on, the exes hold a strategy session with Derrick in charge. He explains that everyone should give someone a crush and he will dole out the only cut. That cut will be for Tor’i so Derrick can personally take out his latest nemesis. The plan hinges on everyone agreeing, but Luis is not so sure. While he was instructed to give a crush to Victoria, he isn’t particularly feeling that plan and I suppose this is where we are supposed to feel a sense of suspense. Will Luis, someone we first met less than an hour ago and have no investment in whatsoever, go rogue? I’m yawning just typing this sh*t.

I’m not sure what transpired in the time between when Angela screamed that Tor’i is a mother*cking p*ssy and the elimination ceremony, but all of a sudden she cannot deal with the possibility of him leaving. She’d better figure out a way to survive, though, because Derrick’s plan works beautifully and Tor’i is sent far away – from Angela, from Chase’s perfect abdominal muscles, and – hopefully – to a land where he can quickly secure himself an airtight restraining order.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. rob22

    May 18, 2018 at 7:21 AM

    While I couldn’t care less about Ex On the Beach, the opener about the crazed text messaging did catch my interest. While the number of crazy text messages is extreme, I do think that an excessive amount of crazy text messages are, in fact, sent because they didn’t get an semi-immediate response. This appears to be fairly common. Both of my millennial sons have experienced it. Apparently some young women are under the impression that “their men” are obligated to be available to text them 24X7. For all I know (and I don’t) some young men might do the same. But anyway, I’ve been shown the text messages by my frustrated boys. It’s not pretty. One example, which is not at all uncommon from what I’ve seen happened last summer. The first text was a “Hi” text at 7:30 in the morning. Did I mention this was during the summer? Then it went something like this… message 2 “You there?”, Message 3 “Why are you not answering?” Message 4 “Why are you disrespecting me like this?”, Message 5 “I’m seriously in tears over what you’ve done to me”…. it got worse. My son woke up at noon (did I mention that it was summer break for my FRESHMAN in college son?). He then saw his phone was blowing up & read through the psycho texts that he’d been receiving for over 4 hours while he slept. A similar string occurred when he was at a baseball game with his friends and decided to shut off his phone (probably to escape the psycho texts) and enjoy the game with his friends. My other son has shown me only slightly less crazy stuff. I’ve brought this up to friends and several have reported that their sons are seeing the same kind of behavior. People, talk to your daughters. If it’s going on with your sons, talk to them too. This is insane.

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