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Are You the One?

“Are You the One?” – Nell Kalter’s Episode 3 Recap

Photo Credit: MTV

Asia and Andrew are about to have the opportunity to find out if they’re an actual MTV-approved match! They were voted by their fellow houseguests into the Truth Booth. They walk in holding hands and they’re acting all sorts of nervous, and lights that do absolutely nothing in this process flash across their bodies, and the results come back that they are not a match. They’re disappointed, but Andrew decides to see this as a learning experience he can grow from. And on the opposite spectrum of personal growth, Kenya approaches Jasmine to scream in her face that she does not appreciate how Jasmine is into Tevin and that she announced during the Truth Booth meeting that she didn’t want Kenya to pop off on her – you know, like Kenya is doing right now. “You are a wishy-washy type bitch,” Kenya explains eloquently before storming away while complaining that Jasmine is trying to make her seem like a punk bitch and that is the opposite of who she is and anyone who doesn’t believe her can go ask the ten other girls in the house who are deathly afraid of her and will therefore answer using only words Kenya would like to hear.

In the swing where he first wooed Bria, Zak sits with Nutsa and explains that while, sure, he wants a girl who is hot, what he’s really looking for is loyalty. Hearing this, Nutsa swears up and down about her capacity for loyalty and she positively beams when he says that he thinks they’re a match. “He’s so sweet,” she gushes. “He tells me all the right things…” and that’s about when I tried to reach through the screen, grab Nutsa by her totally loyal neck, and beg her to wake up because this guy says all the right things to every single f*cking girl he meets while trotting out stories about how his last girlfriend was unfaithful, as though such betrayal gives him license to lie to every woman in the house. And just as Nutsa excitedly recounts to her friend how perfect Zak is and how his eyes are so pretty and how much he appreciates honesty and loyalty, Bria meets up with him in the kitchen and asks him to come talk to her for a second.

Where do they “talk”? In the Boom Boom Room.

What is said? Absolutely f*cking nothing. She throws him on the bed, leaps on top of him, whips off her shirt, and covers their naked bodies with a blanket.

Who is surprised by any of this? Well, technically any viewer harboring a smidgen of self-respect, but I think we all knew where this was heading. Oh, and Nutsa. Nutsa will be very surprised that her loyalty-touting Prince is nailing someone else immediately after he just rhapsodized about the essential quality of honesty.

“Maybe I need to change my ways,” Zak wonders afterwards in a post-coital moment of awareness. “Maybe I need to be a better person.” And then he thinks for a second about how the better people in the house do not currently have three obsessive girls ready to maul one another just to get close to them, so he smirks like the assh*le he is and says, “Nah.”

Later that night, it’s time for the Ceremony. The women get to determine their matches and it goes as follows: Kenya picks Tevin – who I’ve finally figured out looks like one of the guys from Milli Vanilli – but he makes sure to hedge his bets by saying he also has a connection with Jasmine. Kayla picks Cam because she doesn’t care what hat he wears. Jasmine chooses Lewis, and that throws Asia for a loop because he was going to be her pick. Asia then selects Brett. Nutsa selects Daniel because the guy she thought she was going to pick f*cked someone else earlier in the day. And then Samantha, clad in an outfit of red velvet, decides to throw the gauntlet all the way the f*ck down. See, she notices the obvious – that Zak and Bria make one another miserable – so she decides she will choose Zak as her match. While I can’t compliment her on her taste in men, I can compliment her for almost succeeding in getting Bria’s head to spin around like a demon just inhabited her body. I will say that, for once, Bria is finally annoyed at the right person and she would very much like to take the opportunity to hurt Zak as badly as his shadiness is hurting her.

“Don’t say you respect me because you don’t!” she says to Zak in front of everyone. Then she announces that Zak said Samantha sounds like she’s been smoking for forty years. And Nutsa? Well, Zak said Nutsa is ditsy.

“I’m a very very intelligent girl,” proclaims the person who spent yesterday frolicking in the Specific Ocean.

“Be mature,” Zak begs Bria. Then – very maturely – he announces, “I don’t mess with trash.”

“I’m done with this sh*t,” Bria broadcasts for the eighty-second time – and I don’t even think she believes herself at this point.

And still the Ceremony rages on. Samantha goes ahead and selects Zak while Bria makes gagging motions. Then Bria selects Mo. (I do not know who this Mo person is, but I’m frightened for him.) Morgan picks Andrew. Cali selects Tomas. Lauren chooses Kwasi and finally Maria selects Shamoy. When the beams of light flash through the sky to let them know how many matches they were able to make, they learn that this week they also made three correct selections. They haven’t fallen behind, but they also haven’t progressed – unless progress on this show is measured in self-righteous indignation, naked betrayals, and a battle for a guy who wouldn’t piss on any of them if they burst tragically into flames.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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