-We begin as Chris Harrison strolls into the mansion and chats up the guys a bit. All of them are so complimentary of Hannah and what a great human being she is, nothing negative to say whatsoever. Luke P. tells us in an ITM that he can see getting married and having a family with her.” I’d say that’s a little early. Surely, he doesn’t think that already now, does he? He just met her. And oh yeah, Luke also wants to wear her skin as a suit for the second rose ceremony. I would say I was joking about that but, I mean, would any of you immediately assume that was a joke after what you watched last night? Like, if I gave a list of things Luke said or didn’t say last night, there might be a chance you thought he said that. Hey, he might’ve. You just never know. What I do know is this is only the beginning when it comes to Luke. Buckle up.
-The first group date will be a Mr. Right pageant since, you know, Hannah used to be in pageants. They’re very creative with their group date themes I tell ya’. We have 3 judges joining Hannah in this one: Alaska, Miss J, and Alyssa Edwards. Guess I’m out of the loop because I have no idea who any of these people are. When I tweeted that out last night someone immediately responded to inform me of who was I watching. Yes, exactly. Can’t know who they are if I don’t watch any of their shows:
Guess that answers why I know none of them. Never watched any of those shows https://t.co/LPHl8pEYcC
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) May 21, 2019
-So the pageant starts off with, naturally, all the guys walking the runway in speedos. I mean, Miss USA still has the swimsuit competition, so it’s not like this was one sided exploitation here. However, did you notice how many zoom in shots of each guys crotch the camera did. Now, lets flip that around. Can you just imagine…you know what, forget it. I think if you’ve watched this show long enough you probably understand by now, as much as they want to mask the undertone of this show by stating how it’s about dating and love, lets make no mistake how ridiculously sexist and behind the times it is. They’re out for a cheap laugh and cheap buck at their contestants expense. Never forget that. They don’t give a sh** about them. Chum to sharks is all they are.
-The talent portion was, ummmm, questionable at best. Lets just say I was much more entertained by Ben Higgins’ women’s talent show in Vegas than these performances last night. J Paul J rode around on a unicycle. I think. He tried at least. Maybe because it seems like he’s baked 100% of the time, I do find it amazing he was even able to balance himself on that thing. Luke S played the trumpet. And poorly. Jed played the guitar. Naturally. And Luke P’s talent was doing 1000 kip ups in 15 seconds. I think that’s a CrossFit record or something. Oh wait, no it wasn’t. Luke’s “talent” was telling Hannah how he’s starting…to fall…in love with her. Didn’t bother Hannah though. Luke comes up and kisses her and the swooning began. This had people screaming and me upper cutting myself to the groin repeatedly.
-At the after party, let the doubting begin. None of the guys are buying what Luke is selling, although by the looks of things, Luke could probably sell ice to an eskimo right now. Mike tells him “there’s no way it can happen that fast.” Luke S. has serious doubts. Nobody can really believe what he said. Except Luke P himself. When he talks to Hannah, he asks her how she’s handling everything he said. Hannah: “How do you know?” Luke P: “I had feelings before I ever met you…never felt a connection like this my entire life…the way she walks…the way she talks…the way she laughs…I’ve never met anyone like her.” Hannah then says she believes him. Look, I totally agree with 99% of the audience that it’s utterly ridiculous he’s this into her this soon. It’s just too much. Impossible to buy. That’s exactly why if you’re gonna kill Luke for professing this love so early, don’t you also have to call Hannah out for saying she believes him?
-The only other guy we saw Hannah give significant time to at the after party was Jed. He dropped the word “like” on her in about a :30 clip. So if we’re gonna jump down women’s throats who seem to say “like” as a verbal tic when they speak, gotta call Jed out as well. That was rough. Whatever the case, Hannah definitely likes him and now it’s time to give out the rose. Great. As an audience, we’ve literally seen her spend more than :05 seconds with two men during this party – Luke P and Jed. Jed gets the group date rose and I’m sure Luke P could taste the throw up that just came shooting through his esophagus. I wonder how he’ll take this? Probably totally be cool with it, right? Wouldn’t make him want to go out of his way again to gain her attention, would it?
