-It’s cocktail party time and Hannah is giving her toast and crying. I honestly tuned out at this part so I don’t remember why she was crying or what she said in her toast. But if she’s crying in episode 2 on a toast when there hasn’t been any drama that she’s been directly involved with yet…oh boy. This will be a season of tears for sure. The first guy to take her away was Connor S. and they make out because…ummm…he didn’t have a date this week? Couldn’t really tell ya’ but they alone time on the first night and now at the second cocktail party and they’ve made out both times. Conclusion: Hannah likes sucking face with Connor S. Discuss amongst yourselves.
-Kevin takes Hannah outside and they just need to scream. Relieves tension. Or annoys the neighbors, one of the two. But what time with Kevin wouldn’t be complete without a Cam appearance and, frankly, this made no sense to me. Cam having something set up in the driveway for Hannah – rose petals laid out in the shape of a heart – is nothing new. We’ve seen pre-planned stuff all the time for cocktail parties and what not. The bizarre part was why Cam included Kevin in all this. Why not just do it alone with Hannah? Oh that’s right. Because Cam is supposed to be the pot stirrer in these first three episodes and somehow got convinced this was a good idea, even though it made no sense whatsoever. So Cam has some chicken nuggets for the three of them and presents Hannah with a ring box and asks if she’d accept his honey mustard, while Kevin the Destroyer looks on like he wants to hang Cam upside down from his bootstraps and kick him repeatedly in the face. Then inside, The Destroyer confronts Cam again, says it was bullsh** what he did outside, and flips some of the chicken nuggets over. Judging from his IG, it’s clear Kevin is on the same diet as Luke P and probably hasn’t had a fried food since 2015. You don’t waste nuggets like that, Kevin. Ever. You eat them and all their deliciousness. Shame on you for wasting cold, stale nuggets. One easy conclusion you can draw from the Cam vs Kevin confrontation: You can fully expect both of them to be on Paradise. They love carrying over feuds from the “Bachelor/ette” onto Paradise. They will both be there for sure.
-Tyler C. gets some time with Hannah outside and compares the feeling of meeting her as he exited the limo to running out of the tunnel during a football game. Tyler used to play at Wake Forest and, well, lets just say Demon Deacon football isn’t quite as exhilarating as appearing on the “Bachelorette.” In fact, I’m pretty sure there were more crew members at the mansion the first night he met Hannah than they were at any Saturday afternoon Wake Forest football game. It’s close. But hey, if he wants to make that comparison, who am I to stop him? Hannah tells him “I like the way you look at me.” Did they make out? I don’t remember. Whatever the case, it’s clear she’s a giddy school girl next to Tyler, and Tyler knows it. You get the sense that Tyler has been with his fair share of women and this is more of a competition to him. When you have zero inflection in your voice and every sentence out of your mouth sounds exactly the same, it’s kinda hard to judge how into her he is.
-Luke P.’s alone time is up next because why not? We still are unsure at this point if Luke even likes Hannah or wants to be with her, so I guess they need to drill it into our heads that he’s there for the right reasons. He’s giving Hannah a back rub on a bed telling her he’s great with his hands, and now it’s Hannah’s time to return the favor and…(Production: CUE JED ENTERING THE ROOM!!!! AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDD…ACTION!!!!). Yes, Jed happens to enter the room at the same exact time as Luke is taking off his shirt for his massage. If this wasn’t all so staged, I’d think it was stupid. But knowing that it was, I guess that makes it ridiculously stupid. Gotta add that in there. Jed left, Hannah let out about 5 f-bombs for how embarrassed she was, she went and talked to him, and he laughed it off. Probably because he realized he was set up for that scene and thought it was stupid as well.
-Rose ceremony time. Jed, Dustin, and Tyler G. safe with roses. Hannah: “Still so weird I’m the Bachelorette…this is hard…didn’t expect it…respect hell out of everyone here…just trying to make the best decisions for myself…you know, like undressing Luke P during the middle of the cocktail party thinking that no one would see or notice…”
Tyler C., Garrett, Devin, Connor S., Luke P., Dylan, Luke S., Mike, Peter, Kevin, Jonathan, Joey, Matteo, JPJ, and Grant get roses.
“Hannah, gentleman, it’s the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. I’ll be over here in the corner eating chicken nuggets off the floor while I FaceTime Lauren Zima for some sexy time.”
Cam with the final rose for the suspense. You know, because all of us thought that Daron, Matthew, or Connor J. had a shot at that thing.
Next week will be interesting as I’m curious how the Tyler G. exit getting kicked off by production is shown. Do they even mention that women from his past came forward with accusations against him? Do they just remove him and not say anything about what it’s for? What’s his reaction if they don’t say why they’re removing him? Should be interesting drama to say the least.
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