-Michelle is ready to start her journey dammit. She sits down with Tayshia real quick as they waste some good breakfast sitting right in front of them as Michelle tells her she’s ready to meet her man. Group date is up first with Brandon, Romeo, Rick, PJ, Will, Olumide, Casey, Daniel, LT, and Peter. They are gonna hang with three 5th graders that are going to grill them: Mia, Riley, and Kennedy. Their momagers signed them up for the show and now they have to overact their way to some camera time. Kidding. They did fine. But make no mistake, their moms I’m sure are huge fans of this show and were giddy their kids got chosen for this. By the way, I learned a magic trick on TikTok over the weekend involving math that I think would blow these 5th graders minds. I’ve shared it with a few people. My Monday night poker group, my nephew, and someone from Bachelor Nation. All were blown away. It’s a pretty solid trick that anyone can do once you learn it. I’ll be performing at the Magic Castle next weekend. Or not. But yeah, I’m basically a younger Copperfield now minus the awful hair piece.
-So the first questions were easy math ones. 2021 x 18. Seriously? Without a calculator I could do that in my head. Then they were asked if you multiplied two negative numbers, what do you get? I mean, not quite “Stand and Deliver” stuff, but c’mon guys. If I were Michelle, I’d dump anyone on the spot who didn’t know those. See ya’. Then they played musical chairs and Peter was shoving people around like this was for the world championships. Is there a musical chairs world championship? There seems to be random sports on ESPN2 at 3 in the morning a lot of the time, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this was one of them. I feel like the person controlling the music could basically control who won the game. Very easy to manipulate that and this game used to get way more violent than ever expected back in the day when I used to play with friends.
-Peter seemed to be doing a lot of peacocking on this date. He made a comment basically ripped from WWE Uuuuuuuuuuuniversal Champion Roman Reigns when he said, “I’m not A guy, I’m THE guy.” Yeah, and Roman should be collecting royalties off you after that straight copyright infringement. Or just put you in the guillotine. One or the other. But Peter definitely was egged on by production I’m sure to talk about, well, how great he is at pizza slinging and musical chairing. Will noticed this and basically called out Peter for being a narcissist. And usually when one man calls out another man for being a narcissist, the one being labeled that always handles it very calmly and maturely, they talk it out as adults, and squash it. Yeah, no. Peter reacted exactly how you’d expect a dude with George McFly’s hair grease going would. They yelled at each other, nothing got settled and Will absolutely crossed the line when he said “I’m sick of pizzas.” How dare you, Will. How. Dare. You.
-First guy she saw at the after party was Brandon. He wasn’t great at spelling earlier in the day, but he tells her he’s happy where he is now, he might suck ass at spelling, but he’s always gonna try his best for her, and that he wants to dream about. HOLD UP. Brandon, if I can offer any bit of advice to you in this moment, I’ll just say this. Don’t ever tell Michelle you want to dream about her. Trust me on this one. They make out and it’s clear she’s into Brandon as we know.
-Speaking of random sports on ESPN2 late at night, PJ and Michelle go outside to play a game of cornhole. Amazing how popular it’s become and how serious these pros take it. Hell, I certainly couldn’t do it since I haven’t played very often, but these guys firing in double baggers or whatever the hell it’s called is some serious shit. As for PJ and Michelle, we only saw a couple of throws and I don’t think they’ll be challenging for any world titles anytime soon. Rick made up an excuse for Michelle to help him with his homework and then they ended up making out. I remember doing that in HS once. Asked a girl I liked to help me with math so I could go over to her place and study knowing that I liked her and, well, the rest was history. And this was like two weeks before prom and each of us already had different dates. Made things a tad awkward. But hey, it’s all good now. I’m 46 and single and she’s been married for close to 20 years with two kids. Looks like I might need a new math tutor.
-Michelle brings Peter aside and lets him know, “Soooo yeah, I heard you and Will yelling at each other over there. What was that all about?” Peter tells her that he prefers thin crust vs chicago style and likes his crust a little more toasty…ok, that wasn’t it. But hey, if you’re ever in Port St. Joe, FL stop by Peter’s Pizzeria and get yourself a pie from good ol’ Petey. Except you Will. He might throw it in your face. Michelle basically tells Peter that if he’s acting that way over a guy calling him a narcissist how is he gonna act if they ever have a disagreement. Peter agrees. Says he shouldn’t have let it get to that point, and he promises to make it up to her by cooking up the best cannoli she ever tasted. Or not. Brandon ends up getting the group date rose and Peter drowns himself in a bowl of ziti afterwards.
