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Photo Credit: MTV

Full disclosure: I do not follow the reality show people I write about on social media. (Well, there is one. I’m Twitter buds with Ariana from Vanderpump Rules, but that’s because 1) She followed me first and 2) I’m pretty sure she’s f*cking normal.) But the rest of them? Nope. It’s nothing personal, but I figure my job is to write exclusively about the lives they so willingly portray on these shows and I see no need to cloud my recaps with outside stuff. And it is because of this intentional blissful ignorance of mine that I had no idea how correct my first impressions have been of Logan, Kortni’s terrifying boyfriend. Last week I mentioned the way the guy causes my insides to freeze. … Continue reading →

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Photo Credit: MTV

The season finale of Billions ended with Bobby Axelrod standing at a very unexpected doorway and then — even more unexpectedly — being invited inside by a person who was (REALLY unexpectedly) quite pleased to see him. That ending was a shocker. Know what’s never a shocker? When an episode of Floribama Shore ends in a brawl outside of a bar or with two unappealing human beings f*cking in a shower that they’ll probably then piss in during a moment of postcoital bonding.

The beginnings of these episodes are never all that shocking either. We’re usually treated to a montage of shots of limp false eyelashes stuck to a dresser and a series of glasses containing a mixture of backwash and broken dreams. At least … Continue reading →

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Photo Credit: MTV

So it appears the most pressing issues are as follows:

Nilsa wants Gus, but he’s yet to fully give in to her advances. He’s also in the midst of a full-blown spiritual crisis that could cause his hair to finally go limp.

Candace is choosing to date a walking hyphenated felon. She also cannot forgive Gus for refusing to swear to a police officer (who has a gun) that Kirk did nothing wrong — even after everyone, including Kirk, admitted he did something wrong.

Kortni refuses to stay sober for longer than fifteen minutes straight and enjoys pissing in corners.

Aimee is mostly keeping it together, but a recent story on Page Six makes it clear her stability is temporary.

Jeremiah can’t believe he shares … Continue reading →