Because storylines on Paradise are constantly going back and forth, I usually don’t recap the episode in order that it’s shown. I’ll just highlight each storyline and break it down that way. Much easier. Gee, any idea which storyline I’m gonna start out with this week?
Colton, Chris, & Tia
-Might as well get this out of the way first. What’s funny about this storyline is that Chris is even involved at all. And being so adamant about Colton doing Tia right and he’d never do that to her, when already tonight we see him moving on to his (eventual) fiancé Krystal. So it’s kinda hard to focus on the whole Chris/Tia thing when essentially it’s over after tonight. But since I never recapped the premiere last week, a little refresher was that Tia got the first date card of the season because of course she did, and she asked Chris. Even though every cell and hormone in her body was waiting for Colton to come down those steps and make her lady parts tingle even more. She went out with Chris, had a good time, they made out, and she 100% convinced herself she was over Colton. Even blurted out a “Colton who” which in Tia speak meant, “Colton who…has my heart and my soul and will bear my children some day if it’s the last thing I do on this earth.”
-Lets not mistake ourselves. Just like with the “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” nothing on this show happens organically – ever. Every storyline is contrived to set up the max possible drama. Tia was given the first date card specifically so that she’d go, have a good time, and hook up with another guy knowing that producers were planning on bringing in Colton next. That’s how this show works. And that’s exactly what they did giving us our first drama of the season. I just didn’t understand why Tia was acting the least bit surprised, or nervous, or anxious or whatever. She knew 1000% Colton was showing up on Paradise. Whether it was the next day, three days later, a week later, etc. She knew he was coming. There should have been zero shock factor in that, yet, she was acting like she was blindsided. Didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. Then again, not much of these contestants behavior ever does.
-When Colton arrived, there was this hullaballoo about who he talked to first and he should’ve pulled Tia aside right away which everyone made a big deal of and I went and made a sandwich. The things people lose their sh*t over on this show is kinda mind boggling. Like, who cares? We know he’s going to talk to Tia, go on a date with Tia, and make out with Tia. It’s not like he completely ignored her. He just talked to other people first. And he ultimately took Tia out on the date, they rode jet skis, they made out, he made her vagina dance, and all was seemingly back to normal. But normal doesn’t work on this show in case you haven’t noticed. It’s not possible. There had to be confrontation after that, and the 3 Musketeers of Jordan, Chris, and Nick were waiting for Jordan ready to give him a piece of their mind basically telling him don’t play with Tia’s heart. Ummmm, ok. The moral police of those three is quite humorous considering their act on TV previously.
-So when last night began, Colton told the threesome of morality that he was in Paradise to explore his options. If someone wanted to go out with Tia they could. This didn’t sit well with Manny, Moe, and Jack. Chris even told him it’s “not fair.” All is fair in love and war. Hasn’t he heard that before. I guess except when it comes to Paradise. Because you’re allowed to do whatever you want with the girl that you saw once before Becca’s season, even though it was more than once and you’ve already been caught lying about it, and then you leave her to date her friend, but then immediately come on the show, ask her on a date, make out with her, but then say you’re keeping your options open even though she thinks you’re on the same page, until her friend (and your ex) shows up and you become a crying mess. That’s Colton’s storyline ever since about December of last year. It makes my head hurt just writing all that.
-We’ll get to the rose ceremony later, but after it happened, Chris had a big announcement where he sent the guys away because a special guest was coming to talk to the women that was going to shake everything up. Talk about hyperbole. Exactly what did Becca’s arrival have to do with shaking anything up? That made no sense. And if they knew the whole time bringing Becca on was strictly to have a pep talk with Colton, why would they send the guys away anyway? Most of them I’m sure would’ve been fine with seeing Becca. After talking to Tia and getting the lowdown on what’s going in her relationship with Colton (which technically everyone watching at home still has no clue about), she heads to talk to Colton herself because he’s apparently not over her, and that’s where they leave off heading into tonight. None of us are better people for it. I can guarantee that.
-Yes, Colton and Tia together just don’t work. The storyline they’ve set up ever since “Bachelorette” isn’t really paying off because Colton basically doesn’t want her. At least now he doesn’t. Dude is in his own head and can’t make up his mind on what he wants which was made clear by the conversation Tia had with him, but Tia has a hard time moving on from guys who don’t want her apparently. Colton gave her every red flag you could ever possibly want in a guy you’re seeing, and still you know that if Colton came back to her professing his love and telling her he’s ready to settle down, she’d take him back in a heartbeat. I swear to God, if these two continue on over seasons and seasons like Ashley and Jared and three Paradise’s from now we see Colton proposing to her on a beach, I think I may take up cliff jumping. Knowing how sprung she is on this guy for whatever reason, it’ll be hard to ever believe they are TRULY over. And I never know what to believe when Colton speaks, so even if he says he doesn’t see a future with Tia, it’s hard to take at face value. Unfortunately, even when this season is over, and Colton and Tia leave the show not as a couple, don’t think for a second that’ll be the end of it even if they say they choose to remain friends. You can thank Jared and Ashley for that.
rob22
August 14, 2018 at 9:26 AM
The sense I get from Colton is that he showed up to audition for The Bachelor. Or, at least that’s what the producers told him. So he arrives and knows he has to deal with the Tia situation. And if he’s really going to be The Bachelor, he really can’t start anything up with Tia…. nor can he totally screw her over and become a villain. So, he’s in Bachelor hell, and he handles it about as poorly as possible. Though, I have to say, the whole situation was setup to be one gigantic cluster f*ck. I don’t know what it is with Tia either, since she seems to have some male repellent all over her. Guys get a little closer and then it’s like “nah, I don’t think so”. Perhaps it’s a little hint of desperation? IDK. Beyond that drama, which is not all that great, what possible reason is there to watch this show? I guess that’s why I typically watch an episode, or two, then we’re like… nah, I don’t think so. Really Tia, it’s not you, it’s me.
nsawyer1010
August 14, 2018 at 9:38 AM
How does Nick end up with Chelsea if he is already gone? Did I miss something? Anyone know?
pugmom
August 14, 2018 at 10:51 AM
I liked the first episode of paradise way more than the one last night. They focused wayyy too much on Tia and Colton. I really don’t care for both. I wanted to see more humor from Jordan, Wills, Bibiana. I also love Grocery Joe (he seems so normal and goofy, his smile is amazing). Yeah I got none of that. Colton strikes me as someone who isn’t very honest. I think it’s the smirk. Tia has that same smirk too. They’re kinda perfect for each other.
jlal
August 14, 2018 at 10:55 AM
rob22, I too thought Tia is coming off a tad desperate.
I also called it wrong with Colton unless he is a really good actor. I didn’t think he had it bad for Becca at all. If that was real last night, then he really did care for Becca. Who knew?
When Bibi picked Colton I knew right away it was a production set-up, so, so obvious. They needed him there the next day for Becca to show up. I hope Bibi struck a deal too, like they wouldn’t let her go home if Colton didn’t pick her next week.
Glad Nick and Wills are both gone. Nick was a douche and Wills just bugged me. His style and the way he talked.
I love Kenny!
Still love Joe!
Would love to see Colton go home.
kathyfrank1222
August 14, 2018 at 11:01 AM
It was John with Chelsea not Nick
ctrealitygirl
August 14, 2018 at 11:07 AM
For the life of me, I cannot understand why the producers are so hell-bent on “marketing” Colton for The Bachelor. In all the viewers’ comments I’ve read on various sites, no one wants him! He comes off as smug, insincere and basically spewing platitudes. And if they really did want him, they screwed up big time casting him on BIP…this whole Tia situation is super annoying and making both them so unlikeable.
ctrealitygirl
August 14, 2018 at 11:35 AM
PS: I’m with you jlal. Not a big Wills fan and don’t get why so many women are gaga over him and begging for him to be the Bachelor. I truly hope not! And I, too, love Grocery Joe and Kenny.
Caroll
August 14, 2018 at 11:52 AM
Tia is annoying and desperate.
ctrealitygirl
August 14, 2018 at 12:10 PM
I hate what this show has morphed into. Originally it was designed to be lighter summer entertainment, where Bach/ette rejects went to drink in excess and sleep around and have fun. Now all the players know who’s coming in advance and they go with the intention of hooking up with one person in particular and look to couple up immediately…all looking to be the next Jade and Tanner or Carly and Evan. And so many of them appear desperate. It’s not fun to watch any more. I have slept thru both episodes so far and skimmed thru the recording. Big snooze fest
tinyred500
August 14, 2018 at 12:23 PM
I agree, and as super cheesy as it is, it was supposed be light heated and not to be taken seriously. I guess it’s the Winter Games for me now. I enjoyed that, I enjoyed seeing different nationalities interact, and hope this years season is a lot longer than 4 or 5 episodes. 😀
lucymeowkin
August 14, 2018 at 2:08 PM
I was actually laughing out loud when Colton was crying. It just seemed so manipulative. He is definitely setting himself up for Bachelor.
It seemed at first like he was trying hard to make himself cry. Blech. Tired of Tia and Colton, and it’s only episode 2!
screenname
August 14, 2018 at 3:27 PM
Tia was desperate when she sabotaged Bekah with Arie. She was desperate when she came back to tell Becca that she still had feelings for Colton. And she’s still desperate now because she can’t tell Colton is just not that into her. Poor guy just wants to do what every other person in Paradise is there for– to date people.
Also, let me guess, the 8 girls already signed up for the next Bachelor are all generic blondes named Madison and/or Lauren. Can we just get a bachelor who is actually into more diverse women, please?
jlal
August 14, 2018 at 5:11 PM
Watchin and just saw that Colton 26, too young.
tinyred500
August 15, 2018 at 12:30 AM
An immature 26 year old at that, I doubt very much he’s a serious choice for the producers as the bachelor. Roll on September when we’ll know.
upmyalley
August 15, 2018 at 8:47 PM
I don’t get the appeal of Colton to Tia or Becca or anyone for that matter. I have a feeling when he loses his virginity he will become BN new Nick. Haha!