Again I want to start off by thanking everyone who’s been tuning in to the podcasts for the last month, as it’s gone better than I expected. The response has been great, seems like you guys really like them, and I can’t tell you how much more I enjoy doing these than the Thursday night video chats. Not to completely diss those, but lets be honest, they got a little long and drawn out with repetitive questions every week. These podcasts are much more controlled, and I think you’ll see in upcoming weeks as I have guests on, it’s much easier just to bounce stuff off people and talk about the episode than just take question after question after question. I still want to do a “Dr. Reality Steve” question over the podcast from anyone who’s interested, and if you’re scared because you don’t want your name out there, or afraid friends might recognize you, don’t worry about it. It’s only being heard by a gazillion people nationwide. Kidding. In the meantime, podcasts will be posted every Thursday here on the site along with “Dr. Reality Steve” emails. I think later on this month I will add a bonus podcast that doesn’t appear on a Thursday where maybe we do another “Listener Calls,” so anyone who is interested, email me with the topics you want to discuss and your opinions on it. As you heard in podcast #4, I want more of a back and forth as opposed to just question and answer, so if you have a topic or something you want to get off your chest and you have the ability to Skype and want to be on a future podcast, email me and we’ll see if we can make it happen.
You can listen to today’s podcast on a number of platforms, but you can also tune in by clicking the player below:
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Music written by Jimmer Podrasky
(B’Jingo Songs/Machia Music/Bug Music BMI)
The Ringer’s @julietlitman joins me to discuss the episode 1 of Nick’s season, including some Ben & Lauren talk, the twins getting their own show (3:30), her experience having been to a taping of night one before (6:35), impressions of Nick as the Bachelor (8:42), overall impression of the episode (11:58), the Liz situation (14:50), thoughts on Corinne (19:00), her early favorites (21:47), and answering the Rapid 10 (27:27). We end with a “Reader Email” regarding possible scenarios if Rachel becomes the next “Bachelorette.”
You can listen to Juliet’s weekly “Bachelor Party” podcast on Channel 33, part of the Ringer’s Podcast Network here.
“Dr. Reality Steve” emails on page 2…
rob22
January 5, 2017 at 1:21 PM
Sparkless in Seattle: There is an ebb and flow to attraction within a marriage. Anyone who tells you that they’re always feeling the hots for their spouse is probably lying. At the very least, anyone who DOES always feel attracted to their spouse is a rarity. Feelings come and go. That’s why acting on feelings can be so damaging. Today I don’t feel “in love” with my spouse, so I recklessly act on an attraction to someone else. We don’t get that kind of decision back, even when we again start to feel attraction to our spouse. The damage has been done. In a lot of cases, that’s permanent damage. So, the good news is that you didn’t act on your feelings. Having “thoughts” is not the same as doing something. Probably you shouldn’t have shared that with your spouse. We don’t need to share every time we have sexy thoughts about someone else. That’s not honesty, that’s trying to relieve ourselves from feeling guilty & serves no real purpose other than to cause hurt. So, I’d refrain from doing that again. But still, it’s almost universal for people to have these types of feelings. So that should be something very recoverable with a good apology. Don’t think that your husband never has those feelings either. They mean nothing. And feelings can lie to us, so keep that in mind & continue to not act on feelings that could damage your marriage.
In many cases, spouses can communicate more directly about these things (without blaming one another) and figure out how to reignite the spark. In a lot of cases, it just might be a tweak to what you’re doing/not doing together, and in other cases, maybe it’s more than that. But the point is that communicating can alert both of you to things that are not hitting the mark in the bedroom…. and, of course, make changes. Normally I’d start there. In so many cases spouses are not communicating, and not just about sex. And that could be a big part of the problem. Lack of communication has so many impacts & could very well impact your sex life. Another point: women often expect their men to just “know” what they like. They don’t know. Most would appreciate a little pointer. “Hey, you know, before we get into it, can we have more than a minute of foreplay?” “Maybe rub my back for a few minutes to help me relax”. Whatever it is. I think you know what I’m saying. Many women can heat up much more slowly then men. There are plenty of differences between men and women, and from individual to individual. He’s not going to know what floats your boat unless you talk to him about it.
The one word, however, that gave me pause was “PTSD”. That opens a whole can of worms. If you have PTSD from a war time experience, that changes everything. I can’t begin to estimate how much of an impact PTSD could play in all of this. My guess is that it could be a HUGE impact, especially since you used words like “cringing”, not normally words used to describe sex between two healthy consenting, and married individuals. Certainly PTSD is something that only a therapist could unwind. So, my best advice is to start there. Stresses caused by basic life issues like work, money, children, etc. by themselves can have a big impact on your sex life. PTSD is a stress way beyond the basics. I could see where this could really shut you down, and yes, that shut down might be directed at your husband specifically. So this should be discussed with a professional who can help you work through the PTSD and the sex concerns that you have. Good luck! This might not be a quick fix, so continue to not act on feelings for other people & be patient. A good marriage is worth the time this might take to fix.
rob22
January 5, 2017 at 2:02 PM
To the first emailer. I was really struck by the panic you seemed to be in after a month of dating. I guess in some ways that’s not unusual. When we’re feeling a strong attraction to someone, our minds don’t always work properly and we’re experiencing very strong feelings.
So, let’s set some facts in place. It’s attraction. It’s infatuation. It’s not love. It’s a feeling and has nothing whatsoever to do with walking down the aisle in a pretty dress, having babies and living happily ever after. The guy is inducing some pretty strong feelings in you and your hormones are wide open. So, don’t read too much into it either way.
The big danger, of course, is that he may or may not be feeling this way. And, a guy with a bad reputation, might just be good at inducing women into these feelings and then playing them for all they’re worth. And of course, dumping you in a very bad and memorable way when he’s done with you.
So, take a breath. Slow down. And don’t fly into a panic and thinking about a million little things. I’d just say, go slow & in a couple of months if your relationship hasn’t been fully clarified as exclusive, then you should have that talk. But DO NOT assume that you are exclusive until that’s been clarified. Don’t accept sort of vague pronouncements from him, and until he’s specifically saying you’re exclusive, you should assume you’re not. Based on what you’ve said so far, in fact, you’re not exclusive. And I don’t like the way he’s going about it. It sounds manipulative when a guy is vague about things. But it also could be his way of just not being ready to answer the question directly. You’ll find out which it is soon enough.
I’m saying to wait a couple of months because if he’s a player, he probably won’t want to go slow that long and things will naturally work out because he’ll take a hike. If he’s not a player and is really into you, he probably won’t want to even wait a couple of months before HE initiates “the talk”. That’s what I’d look for if you want to be certain. Also, forcing a guy into “the talk” after one month might serve to drive him off. It’s too soon in my opinion. Even a good guy might start having second thoughts if the girl is getting too far ahead of him. It’s like “whoa, whoa, we’ve been together a month & things are moving too fast”. That’s not what you want to have happen. But, not all relationships move at the same pace. So, if “the talk” hasn’t happened in a couple of months, I’d simply sit down with him and ask if what you have is an “exclusive relationship”. There’s nothing vague about that. It’s either yes, or it’s no. But in the short term, relax. It’s been one month. You’re dating a guy and you’re not exclusive. Treat it that way. BTW: what everyone else thinks is irrelevant. Put it out of your mind. Now, if you go throwing yourself at this guy & he turns out to be a dirt bag, yes, that will not look good. So, do yourself a favor and don’t throw yourself at him. Take it slow and enjoy the process. Projecting a current situation into what it might be some day is not a recipe for creating joy in your life. You’re stressing out needlessly.
beapancake
January 6, 2017 at 3:38 AM
Super bummed you’ll only have reality Steve via a podcast??! No offense but I don’t really want to listen to a podcast – I’d rather read especially when I’m on my phone at 5am .. not ready to hear voices yet! And I adore your reality Steve column (I love the bachelor – well love to hate) but that column is the only reason I really come to this site 🙁 Please consider us that just want to read – thanks!
rob22
January 6, 2017 at 7:31 AM
@beapancake. The podcast only replaces the former Thursday webcast/chat. The blog will still be here.
nurseliz165
January 7, 2017 at 12:37 AM
Wow! Very insightful and concise response. You have a gift for understanding the human condition, especially as it relates to marriage.
rehm
January 9, 2017 at 9:05 AM
rob22 i only created an account to say how much i appreciate reading your comments
kitt0nmitt0ns
January 9, 2017 at 9:41 AM
Agree with the above. Can Rob22 start a blog?
j1scarlett
January 10, 2017 at 7:16 AM
To Sparkless in Seattle, I agree with Rob22’s advice, but in addition to that, I’ve heard on the Sex with Emily podcast that there is a device you can buy called Fiera which is used to increase arousal for women, and a lot of women really like it. So you might want to try it if you just arent ever in the mood, but really want to make it work and be into sex with your husband.
rob22
January 10, 2017 at 8:12 AM
Thanks for the very kind comments. I am thinking about doing a blog.