-Since the show jumps around from couple-to-couple and storyline to storyline, it’s almost impossible to recap it in real time. So we’ll just focus on the ones that got the most air time last night:
Kristina & Dean
The first one that developed anything since Dean was the first guy to arrive and Kristina was the second girl behind Raven. There were two notable things about Dean & Kristina together. 1) I’ve never seen two people play with their hair so much during a conversation. Like, you kinda expect it from girls. That’s a thing. Dean? The guy was running his hand through his hair during their whole conversation and it was driving me nut balls. Maybe it was nerves, but he was still doing it during the dinner portion of their date. Which brings me to point #2.
2) You know you’re back in Paradise when the dates are so ridiculously plain and the show spends less than 5 minutes on them. Dean and Kristina sat at dinner, maybe got a few sentences in, a mariachi band interrupts, confetti flies into the air, they kiss…The End. Yep, that was their date. They had a more meaningful conversation earlier in the day talking about their childhood. The date? According to Evan’s twitter last night, it’s the same exact place where he and Carly set a world record and got sick. So yeah, we got 3 dates in the last hour of the show last night and basically none of them got any serious camera time. Expect that all season, every season.
Jasmine, Nick, & Matt
When Jasmine first got to the beach, St. Nick pulled her aside basically telling her he went there for her. Considering 98% of the audience didn’t have a clue who Nick was, I don’t think this was an “aaaaaawwwwwww” moment for anyone watching. But they wasted no time and were the first couple to make out. I’m not sure what got into Nick at that point, but the amount of alcohol he was able to consume on that first day pretty much killed any chance he had of scoring with Jasmine again. They tried to have a conversation later that night but Jasmine gave him the Heisman because she couldn’t understand a word he was saying. Neither could we. The Desmond Howard she pulled on him was a classic and Nick went off to stew in his own drunkenness.
Since Jasmine apparently isn’t turned on by men with a .23 BAL, she turns her attention to a penguin. Makes sense. Matt, the guy who lasted way longer on Rachel’s season than you would’ve expected and the guy you didn’t remember, had to show up on Paradise in a penguin’s suit, again, so you COULD remember him. And even then you were probably like, “Who is he again?” Whatever the case, after her Nick hookup, Jasmine connected with Matt on a non-drunk level, Matt got a date card, asked her out, they went to a drag queen show, Matt wore more glitter than a stripper on Saturday night, Jasmine was entertained, and they made out. Much to the dismay of Nick, who by now probably needed a liver transplant.
Raven, Robby, and Ben Z.
You know I love to point out editing cuts and storyline set ups, so I will do this with Ben. Obviously the editors sat down and decided they were gonna have a little fun with Ben this season. Yes, I’m sure he brought up his dog, but editing made it seem like he talked about the dog non stop. Especially in that first conversation with Raven. It was so obvious how much of that conversation was cut just to make it seem like he kept talking about his dog. Who knows though? Maybe that was production’s way of getting back at him after he was telling people last year he’d never do Paradise because it was beneath him. Hey, if word got back to me he said that, I’m sure producers were aware. Then again, numerous people have that sentiment. Then when they realize no one cares about them anymore like they did when they were previously on TV, funny how their feelings change about Paradise. But yeah, Ben got a choppy edit for sure.
As for Raven and Robby, there was one major problem. Robby came in on Day 2, he got a date card, and we see him talk to Corinne, Danielle M., and Raven. And he asked Raven out on his date. The problem here being Robby made a major mistake by not pulling a Kalon and going out on a date with himself, because lets face it, the only person would could possibly appreciate going on a date with Robby is Robby himself. There might not be a man in this franchise who enjoys himself more than Robby Hayes. Remember, he’s a “social media influencer.” He’s influencing us by, ummmm, well…still trying to figure that out. Modeling athletic wear that he and Chase started? That makes him an influencer? Whatever works nowadays.
Raven made it perfectly clear after her date as she talked to all the other girls, she wasn’t feeling Robby at all. Probably because he was feeling himself too much. She couldn’t get over the fact he had a 12 pack and had better hair than her. Robby figured it was a no-brainer with Raven and he was secure with a rose. That is until Ben stole her away, they made out, and Raven initial plan heading into the first rose ceremony, was seemingly to give Ben her rose. But during shut down, obviously that ended up changing because she didn’t, Adam arrived, and they were a couple the rest of the show.
Some other notes from the second hour of the show:
-Did Jorge really break down before he told everyone he was chasing his dreams? I know he said the name of what he was doing but, ummmm, what exactly was it? And I love it that outside of two people who were on a previous season (Amanda and Vinny), the people there only knew him for a few hours yet were sad he was leaving. Gotcha. Makes total sense.
-I’m not sure who gave DeMario a whistle, but I’m guessing by the end of the first day, most everyone there wanted to strangle him with it.
-You see that cast photo at the top of the page? Could Corinne look any more sh** faced if she tried? Then again, all you had to do was look at the episode last night to see how she carried herself. I’m sure her boyfriend was proud. You know, the boyfriend she told Chris Harrison she didn’t have, the boyfriend that allowed her to go on the show in the first place, the boyfriend that apparently had no problem with her shoving her lady bits into DeMario’s face, then stood by her through all the controversy. What a swell guy, I tell ya’. He’s a real keeper Corinne. Don’t let that one get away.
-There’s a reason why I didn’t give Derek and Taylor they’re own paragraph like the other couples. They have snatched away the title of Bachelor’s Most Boring Couple from whoever had it last. Marcus and Lacey I think. So there. And rest assured, I would be stunned if these two aren’t the ones who get engaged on the live finale reunion show. You can pretty much count on it. They’ve been inseparable since filming. Daniel and Lacey are a joke. He used her for his television career. And Adam and Raven I don’t see it happening with either.
-I saw a scene where one guy was spraying another guy with sun tan lotion, but do these people not know how to spray or apply? Again we’ve got some really bad sunburns out there and I can’t for the life of me figure out how hard it is to do that. Of course this coming from a guy that got completely burnt the weekend of his Vegas Fan Appreciation Party because I missed a few spots as well. So screw me.
Back tomorrow with episode 2 which will include Chris’ talk with the group when they came back from filming, Carly and Evan’s wedding, and the first rose ceremony. Oh happy day…
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