In other news, Lexi is still not all that sure she can trust Paulie but she does allow him to rub his fingers underneath the back of her jeans, Victoria realizes Chase seems to be into his ex, and the newly arrived participants walk into the house for the first time. Taking one look at Chelsko and the cape she’s wearing, Jasmine knows the girl will be trouble. Meanwhile, Taylor takes Corey aside to swear there is nothing left – besides scorching hatred – between her and Andre, but Andre knows deep in wherever his heart is supposed to be that her fury is just a sign of her undying devotion. Then there’s the uncle f*cking issue we have to muddle through. Chelsko swears she did not f*ck Chris’ uncle and she doesn’t know why she should have to be accused of such unsavory things and you know what? She’s right. She doesn’t have to be accused of such things and an excellent way to avoid all of it would have been to not willingly wash up on these sh*t-filled shores. But since Malibu Princesses go where eventual Instagram advertising offers grow, she is in that house and Angela is not appreciating that she’s saying Chris doesn’t even own his own car so she runs downstairs to share the news. This sort of thing is not something International DJs appreciate, so Chris takes her aside, once again brings up the Uncle F*cking, and leaves her in fake tears.
Also? Cory wants babies and Chase’s boxer briefs have a picture of a dog’s face on the crotch, but at least that dog didn’t f*ck a member of anyone’s family.
And now there’s a new development on the horizon because Chris has decided he’s into Lexi, Paulie’s ex, and he communicates his feelings thusly: “I like you, bro.” Okay, so he can’t always remember her name, but he knows she likes Xbox and really, the grandest love stories have originated from far less. Amazing connection aside, Lexi tells him she would like to see if anything is left with Paulie, but Chris is not daunted in the least because he’s a “hopeless romantic” who “would like to play some games” with her. This line does not cause Lexi to hurl vomit all over him and I would like to commend her for her puke restraint, but she is far too busy assuaging Paulie’s wounded ego to receive any vomit shaped medals. This guy – who cheated on her – reprimands her about being respectful of his delicate feelings and I wish Derrick hadn’t thrown all the furniture into the pool earlier because Lexi has every right to toss a chaise longue at Paulie’s head.
Then there’s Taylor and Cory. There seems to be a history here that I’m sort of thrilled not to know, but the show is insisting it all make some sort of sense to us. My brain already throbs from all of this, but here goes:
1. Corey dated someone named Alicia. I imagine she will come swimming out of the sea at dawn.
2. Alicia then dated Andre who used to date Taylor.
3. Taylor is now cuddling in a bed with Corey and officially hates Alicia.
4. The producers of this show who managed to get all of these people into one house are currently toasting their success and the fact that not one of them has ever f*cked someone’s uncle.
And now that we’re caught up, it also comes out that Corey has a daughter and he needed a DNA test to clarify those results, but he does seem excited about it.
Also: I hope his daughter doesn’t get cable.
The next day Romeo is back and he’s here with the news that this is an elimination show and someone is going home. It’s the original group that gets to vote out an ex and certain people are terrified. To hedge his bets, Andre takes Taylor aside and apologizes for cheating on her, but it’s really Chelsko who is terrified. That terror, however, is nothing compared to how she feels when she and Chris are beckoned to the Shack of Secrets. Downstairs is a lie detector so they can finally find out what’s true. She starts by asking if he thought she was a good kisser. He says yes and it comes back as a lie. She then asks if he ever loved her and he reveals truthfully that he did. His first question is whether she thought their sex was great and her answer is no – she’s telling the truth – and that causes him to feel pretty sh*tty. And then comes the uncle question and Chelsko swears she did not have sexual relations with that man and it turns out the girl was telling the truth the entire time, but all I want to know is why this uncle is not emerging from the depths of the ocean right at this very second? Which casting agent needs to be fired?
Since Chelsko didn’t f*ck Chris’ uncle, she’s no longer number one on the chopping block so Derrick, realizing he’s pretty hated, takes Jasmine aside and tries flirting with her and even though his motives are ridiculously obvious – and even though Jasmine is probably rightfully scared of Angela – Jasmine kisses him and I’m thinking maybe we should start a prayer circle for the girl immediately.
At the elimination ceremony, Romeo tells Chelsko, Skyler, and Lexi that they are safe. It comes down to Andre and Derrick and this time it’s Andre who gets the heave-ho off that island. But maybe if he hangs on to his giraffe float and swims really hard and really fast, he can make it to some other island where there’s sure to be another reality show currently in production because something tells me the glow of the klieg lights will soothe his wounded heart.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.