Because storylines on Paradise are constantly going back and forth, I usually don’t recap the episode in order that it’s shown. I’ll just highlight each storyline and break it down that way. Much easier. Gee, any idea which storyline I’m gonna start out with this week?
Colton, Chris, & Tia
-Might as well get this out of the way first. What’s funny about this storyline is that Chris is even involved at all. And being so adamant about Colton doing Tia right and he’d never do that to her, when already tonight we see him moving on to his (eventual) fiancé Krystal. So it’s kinda hard to focus on the whole Chris/Tia thing when essentially it’s over after tonight. But since I never recapped the premiere last week, a little refresher was that Tia got the first date card of the season because of course she did, and she asked Chris. Even though every cell and hormone in her body was waiting for Colton to come down those steps and make her lady parts tingle even more. She went out with Chris, had a good time, they made out, and she 100% convinced herself she was over Colton. Even blurted out a “Colton who” which in Tia speak meant, “Colton who…has my heart and my soul and will bear my children some day if it’s the last thing I do on this earth.”
-Lets not mistake ourselves. Just like with the “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” nothing on this show happens organically – ever. Every storyline is contrived to set up the max possible drama. Tia was given the first date card specifically so that she’d go, have a good time, and hook up with another guy knowing that producers were planning on bringing in Colton next. That’s how this show works. And that’s exactly what they did giving us our first drama of the season. I just didn’t understand why Tia was acting the least bit surprised, or nervous, or anxious or whatever. She knew 1000% Colton was showing up on Paradise. Whether it was the next day, three days later, a week later, etc. She knew he was coming. There should have been zero shock factor in that, yet, she was acting like she was blindsided. Didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. Then again, not much of these contestants behavior ever does.
-When Colton arrived, there was this hullaballoo about who he talked to first and he should’ve pulled Tia aside right away which everyone made a big deal of and I went and made a sandwich. The things people lose their sh*t over on this show is kinda mind boggling. Like, who cares? We know he’s going to talk to Tia, go on a date with Tia, and make out with Tia. It’s not like he completely ignored her. He just talked to other people first. And he ultimately took Tia out on the date, they rode jet skis, they made out, he made her vagina dance, and all was seemingly back to normal. But normal doesn’t work on this show in case you haven’t noticed. It’s not possible. There had to be confrontation after that, and the 3 Musketeers of Jordan, Chris, and Nick were waiting for Jordan ready to give him a piece of their mind basically telling him don’t play with Tia’s heart. Ummmm, ok. The moral police of those three is quite humorous considering their act on TV previously.
-So when last night began, Colton told the threesome of morality that he was in Paradise to explore his options. If someone wanted to go out with Tia they could. This didn’t sit well with Manny, Moe, and Jack. Chris even told him it’s “not fair.” All is fair in love and war. Hasn’t he heard that before. I guess except when it comes to Paradise. Because you’re allowed to do whatever you want with the girl that you saw once before Becca’s season, even though it was more than once and you’ve already been caught lying about it, and then you leave her to date her friend, but then immediately come on the show, ask her on a date, make out with her, but then say you’re keeping your options open even though she thinks you’re on the same page, until her friend (and your ex) shows up and you become a crying mess. That’s Colton’s storyline ever since about December of last year. It makes my head hurt just writing all that.
-We’ll get to the rose ceremony later, but after it happened, Chris had a big announcement where he sent the guys away because a special guest was coming to talk to the women that was going to shake everything up. Talk about hyperbole. Exactly what did Becca’s arrival have to do with shaking anything up? That made no sense. And if they knew the whole time bringing Becca on was strictly to have a pep talk with Colton, why would they send the guys away anyway? Most of them I’m sure would’ve been fine with seeing Becca. After talking to Tia and getting the lowdown on what’s going in her relationship with Colton (which technically everyone watching at home still has no clue about), she heads to talk to Colton herself because he’s apparently not over her, and that’s where they leave off heading into tonight. None of us are better people for it. I can guarantee that.
-Yes, Colton and Tia together just don’t work. The storyline they’ve set up ever since “Bachelorette” isn’t really paying off because Colton basically doesn’t want her. At least now he doesn’t. Dude is in his own head and can’t make up his mind on what he wants which was made clear by the conversation Tia had with him, but Tia has a hard time moving on from guys who don’t want her apparently. Colton gave her every red flag you could ever possibly want in a guy you’re seeing, and still you know that if Colton came back to her professing his love and telling her he’s ready to settle down, she’d take him back in a heartbeat. I swear to God, if these two continue on over seasons and seasons like Ashley and Jared and three Paradise’s from now we see Colton proposing to her on a beach, I think I may take up cliff jumping. Knowing how sprung she is on this guy for whatever reason, it’ll be hard to ever believe they are TRULY over. And I never know what to believe when Colton speaks, so even if he says he doesn’t see a future with Tia, it’s hard to take at face value. Unfortunately, even when this season is over, and Colton and Tia leave the show not as a couple, don’t think for a second that’ll be the end of it even if they say they choose to remain friends. You can thank Jared and Ashley for that.