Oh wait, there were other storylines going on in the first two episodes? Like, other people were forming relationships too? Hot damn. I just thought this was Colton and Tia in Paradise and everyone else were just extras on the beach. I guess there are a few more we can discuss but are still in it’s early stages.
Kendall and Joe
Initially Krystal had an interest in Joe and made it known. But once Kendall swooped in (you know, the girl she had issues with on Arie’s season among others), Krystal became yesterday’s news and then Joe was “not the guy for me.” Kendall and Joe are interesting because they’re both quirky in their own ways. Kendall is infatuated with all things death and Joe bags groceries. Lets marry them! We all know the spoiler of what happens between these two on the show in that they end up breaking up, but they are awful at trying to hide the fact they’ve seen each other numerous times since the show ended filming. Are they exclusive? Hell, I don’t know. I don’t think they even know. But she was definitely in Chicago seeing him a couple weeks ago, and Joe definitely spent this past weekend in LA with her, even attending the Dodger game together last night. I have a feeling when the reunion show rolls around, they’ll be telling us they’re dating.
Krystal & Kevin & Astrid
Yeah, that lasted a hot minute. Kevin told Krystal “you’re the hottest girl here.” They connected, made out, then Kenny got a date card and asked Krystal on a date so Kevin moved on to Astrid and that was the end of the fairytale romance of Kevin and Krystal that last 14 seconds. Lets all take a moment, say our goodbyes, and shed a tear. Or not.
Jordan & Annaliese
Another bizarre pairing considering the spoilers, but yeah, no need to get all worked up over this one since once Jenna arrives tonight, Jordan’s model pants get even tighter for another blue eyed blonde, and Annaliese becomes yesterday’s news. It’s kinda hilarious how all into Annaliese that Jordan was in these first two episodes, going out of his way to impress her, pulling her aside for a nighttime picnic, making out with her on the beach, telling her how impressed he is by everything she does in her life, on and on and on this guy went overloading her with compliments, but here comes another blue eyed blonde with boobs and Jordan couldn’t run faster away from Annaliese for her. I think we can add yet another phobia to Annaliese’s long list: douchebag models. And oh yeah, David does what David does and warns Annaliese about Jordan and how he likes to just settle. Talk about playing a role. Geez. Didn’t he just say on the MTA that he should’ve spent more time on his relationship with Becca than focusing on Jordan? Now the first thing he does in Paradise is try to c**k block Jordan again?
Kenny & Krystal
Anytime a date can be created where the Pretty Boy Pit Bull Kenny King gets to wrestle some curtain jerker, I’m in. Especially when it’s Krystal sitting at his side and I’m not completely convinced she knows wrestling is fake. So Kenny takes off his shirt, gets in the ring, and pummels this jabroni while Krystal watches on getting all excited and stuff. Then they make out afterwards and Krystal officially moves on from Kevin after singing his praises the night before. Or hours before. Who knows? I’m losing track of how quickly people just go from tonguing one person to the next.
Nick & David & Chelsea
The enigma that is Nick is quite the character. He didn’t get much air time on Becca’s season. Then he shows up in Paradise and immediately takes to Chelsea by giving her the compliment “I don’t know what it is, but I’m weirdly attracted to you.” Not exactly a panty dropper line, Nick. If anything, I’d think it’d make her want to wear an industrial sized chastity belt around you. So they have some weird vibe going on. I honestly don’t know where David entered the picture in all this. I’ll be honest. I’m not nearly as focused on Paradise when I’m watching. I flip the channel at commercial break (usually to watching baseball), and if I return late, so be it. So maybe David had a conversation with Chelsea that I missed, but, she gave him her rose and I don’t remember them ever doing anything for him to deserve it.
Rose Ceremony
This went pretty much as planned until the last rose.
Krystal gave her rose to Kenny
Astrid to Kevin
Tia to Chris
Kendall to Joe
Annaliese to Jordan
Nysha to Eric (even though we’ve seen none of their interaction)
Chelsea to David (another head scratcher unless I completely missed it which is totally possible)
Angela to John (with this rose, people assumed Colton was gone. Those people must be newbies because there was zero chance Colton was going home at the first rose ceremony)
Bibiana gives her rose to Colton even though we never actually see them have a conversation either and every viewer out there can see this was producer driven. Of course it was.
Tonight, episode #3, and more hell will break loose. Chris, who just told Tia he’ll be there for her, he doesn’t approve of what Colton did, yada yada yada, starts tonguing down Krystal to start their relationship, and then Tia has to deal with that fallout. This isn’t gonna be pretty. And oh yeah, Jenna comes in and steals Jordan’s heart all while saying “It’s getting coco-nuts” and it’s exactly how I feel. I feel like a coconut. I also feel like I’m going insane watching this show and I can’t wait for it to be over. Already starting to hone in on some of the women you’ll see on the next “Bachelor” season and that’s so much more interesting than Paradise. I won’t be releasing them until much closer to filming time, but right now, I’ve got about 8 that I’m pretty sure are going to be cast. Stay tuned.
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