Dr. Reality Steve
Hi Dr. Reality Steve,
I met a guy through Bumble in the beginning of July, so about a month and a half ago . Everything was going great! We always had so much fun on our dates and things seemed to be so easy with him. I felt like we could have fun even doing the most simple things. He even invited me to two weddings, a sporting event he’s coaching and a family event (his sister running a half marathon). Also, we planned a trip to go to Chicago together (my idea, but the rest of them were his ideas although I have initiated regular dates). I even met his parents twice and things went well with them too.
Of the events, the first wedding was a blast! We had such a good time with his friends. Anyways, the last time we hung out (7th or 8th date), I got a weird vibe that something was off. We had to drive to his parents house for the half marathon and he barely talked… I mean he responded to what I said but he didn’t initiate any conversation which is not like him at all. I figured he had a long day and was tired so I let it go. But the entire weekend, he seemed distant even while being so close to me. I pretty much hung out with his family the whole time, they talked to me more than he did. It just felt like he barely wanted me there (even though he is the one who invited me). When he dropped me back, the car ride back was pretty much the same as the car ride there. His mom invited me to Thanksgiving and he made a comment that she pretty much invites all of his friends who may not be doing something for Thanksgiving (since I live far away from my family). I thought that was kind of a rude way to tell me that? I am really not sure what I could have done wrong because everything leading up to the event was fine… including the dates before it and our text conversations.
The coaching event, the Chicago trip and the second wedding are still coming up and honestly I am nervous about how they are going to go based on our last meeting. I don’t want to overwhelm him or put any pressure on him. I also am not trying to push him into a relationship. I was really just enjoying how things were going and I just wanted to see how things flow on their own.
I have been trying to give him space so we haven’t talked much since the weekend. I am hoping the space gives him what he needs to clear his head. I get the feeling that he thinks things are going too fast (even though most of those ideas were his). How should I approach this situation? Should I even say anything about that? I want him to know that I am not in any rush and that I just have a great time with him.
Any advice would be great.
Thanks!
Comment: Sounds like just a flaky guy who either has another option and doesn’t want to tell you or, well, he’s just over it. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to why guys do what they do. They’re guys. But your gut is probably right. If things aren’t the way they were in the beginning, and yet you’ve been together less than 2 months, then obviously something is up.
It’s not out of line at all for you to ask him what’s going on and if everything is ok and he’s been distant. Probably give you a clearer answer of where he’s at than trying to just guess. If hems and haws, then you probably have your answer right there. But definitely call him out for what you’ve noticed in his behavior lately (not in a rude way at all), and say he seems distant. Maybe he’ll flat out tell you it’s not working for him anymore. But know going in, this probably isn’t going to end well since that’s odd behavior for someone who’s still technically in the honeymoon phase of the relationship.
______________________________________
Hi Steve,
I always read for spoilers and I need an opinion of someone not related to me so I thought I’d give this a shot.
I’m 5 1/2 months pregnant. The father died of a drug over dose when I was 7 weeks pregnant and had just found out. We were broken up because I had realized a few weeks before that he had fallen off the wagon and after a couple of attempts to help him, I finally had to walk away. He wasn’t very kind about all of it given his current state of being.
So I find out I’m pregnant and send him a Facebook message. Of course his first response was “not mine” so I explained that A – I hadn’t been with anyone else and B – I would send him ultra sound pics the next day after I received one. I was sure it would show dates and prove through the timeline it was when we were still together. He agreed and said we would talk after I sent them. So I followed up the next day and never heard back. A couple days later his mom sends me a message through his Facebook asking me to call asap. She was crying asking if I was really pregnant. Then told me he was brain dead on life support and I needed to come say my goodbyes.
I was obviously devastated and this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. It’s very depressing and lonely. I had to move back in with my dad in a city I haven’t lived in since high school. The pregnancy has been really rough and it’s just honestly really sad. So on top of it his mom won’t fully concede that the baby is her sons. She obviously read the messages between us and saw his drug induced accusations.
She continues to send me messages full of loaded questions like “did you really care about him?” “Are you glad you’re pregnant?” Along with “if you’re sure he’s the father we have this in our family” and “did you look into DNA testing?” and just things that make my stomach drop. I’ve asked her for nothing. I’ve told her to focus on grieving her son and wait for the DNA test. I don’t know what else to do. I understand she’s grieving but it kills me when she messages me. It’s always something that lingers with me for days and just sucks the life out of me. I wish there was some way for her to consider how all of this is affecting me and how her messages are just extra stress. I know she’s grieving but it’s also starting to make me angry. I literally have nothing to gain claiming he’s the father. Once I have the baby and it proves his, I am going to remember how unsupportive she has been. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do about her.
Please help!
Comment: Geez. Sorry you had to go through all that. That’s awful. You wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
Just know you haven’t done anything wrong in this situation. Pretty shitty of the mother to act that way. Yes, she should be grieving over her son more than causing stress in your life. I also don’t understand what her motivation is for asking you these questions. Just doesn’t make sense. But someone who’s lost a child, I gotta believe she’s going through a lot, so I have to take that into consideration. How often are these messages? Like every day? Or is she randomly checking in? I’d say to just leave it alone for a while, or maybe send her a nice message saying that the pregnancy has been really hard on you and that once you get through this, you’d love to finally then have a talk with her about their role in your baby’s life, if you even want that. Again, not an ideal situation and sorry you’re going through it, but keep your head up and don’t let his family get to you.
______________________________________
Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tomorrow.
