-We began with Colton doing a selfie video in bed the day of his first group date of the season. I don’t ask for much, but can we please not do this anymore. Is this MTV now? Outside of on the plane once traveling starts, we never see the selfie cams for anything. It added nothing. If instead of a selfie cam, Colton would’ve just done an ITM that morning talking about that day’s date, it would’ve had the exact same effect. Maybe some cameramen didn’t want to wake up so early for Colton and decided to nap it out. Could you blame them? “Screw it, let him do a selfie video on his phone. No one will care either way.” You got that right. Does anyone even remember what he said? Didn’t think so.
-The group date will consist of Nicole, Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Onyeka, and Catherine, and they will head to a theater and have to tell a story about a “first” in their lives, while getting coached by Megan Mullally and her husband. Because if we know anything about this show, it’s if there’s one person that personifies the “Bachelor,” it’s Ron Swanson himself. Colton got up there first talking about the first time he told a teammate he was…a virgin. In case you didn’t know, Colton is a virgin. You know, for those who clamored for Jason and/or Blake in this role, honestly think to yourselves, “What was their narrative?” What would they sell to the audience? This show is always telling a story throughout the course of the season. We know what Colton’s is. I’m not sure anything about Jason or Blake screamed they had an interesting story about them. They knew they had a season long storyline with Colton’s virginity and a, “Would he or won’t he?” You didn’t have that with the other two. That played a major role in him getting the gig. And oh yeah, him selling his soul to them.
-Hannah G told a story up there about how she was constantly dateless in middle school and was never really a first for anything until she got the first impression rose. I’m sure tons of women watching an Instagram model talk about how she never has any dates is totally relatable. I’m surprised Hannah didn’t just bust out with the, “I don’t think I’m pretty” line either. That really would’ve made her relatable. Maybe she’s super humble. Or maybe that was a humble brag. I just don’t know if Middle America Jane Doe watching last night really connected with Hannah G. on that one. With that said, I can see why she told the story. She is coming across as quite the candidate for next “Bachelorette.” Doesn’t mean she’ll get it, but she’ll have plenty of fans if she does.
-Elyse’s story is how she’s only dated older men in her life and this is her first time dating a younger man. Man, I feel for ya’ Elyse. Of all the men in America to take that plunge with, THIS is the one you had to do it with? Bless. So whereas Elyse only dated older men, Nicole only dated Cuban or Columbian men in her life until she had a taste of the “whitest bread ever.” I wish we could’ve more of this story. Be interesting to know exactly who was Nicole’s Wonder Bread and how that relationship ended up.
-They saved Demi’s story for last because of course. I’m pretty sure Demi is paying Corinne residuals this season based on the fact she’s copying her Bachelor 101 handbook word-for-word. It’s clear producers fed her leading questions in her ITM’s to continually talk herself up, how she was so much better than the others, how there’s no competition for her, yada yada yada. We know what her role is this season. We’ll hear time and time again she’s just here for Colton and she doesn’t care what the others think of her. As long as people are talking about her on social media, and her IG follower count goes up, and Bachelor Nation comments positively about her, she’ll eat that sh** up. Of course she will. She’s 23. This is her life now. Get ready for a lot of Demi in your life through the summer people. It’s coming.
-The biggest drama from this after party was not shockingly Demi. Now, do I think what she did was all that it was made out to be? Of course not. She touched the rose. Big f***ing deal. But on this show, they made sure to ask all of them, including Tracy, what she thought of that, and you’d think that Demi murdered their pet or something. So in that aspect, no, what Demi did is nothing that we haven’t seen before. That was nothing made into something because of the show. She touched the rose. Sue her. It was just silly. We’ve seen people like Demi every season. None of this is new to any of us. If this is all they could muster up for the first group date drama of the season, unfortunately, we’re in for a loooong season. So easy and simple to write that story out, you’d think after 37 seasons they’d think of something better.
