Reality Steve

Temptation Island

“Temptation Island” – Nell Kalter’s Episode 3 Recap

Photo Credit: USA Network

The girls at the villa cannot wait to hear how everything went on the ziplining date, especially between Morgan and Evan because apparently the epic fight that went down between them was earthshattering. I’d just like to take a moment here to thank my psyche for blocking out their life-shifting brawl in what must have been an effort to protect me. Yes, I’m certain it was a protective psyche keeping this information from seeping into my brain and not that their fight was moronic and far too uninteresting for me to invest any storage space in my memory.

Also: Hannah decides that Morgan and Evan hitting it off is “the plot twist of the century.” Might anyone know Hannah’s address? I’d like to ship her several hundred pieces of literature so she can learn what an actual plot twist is before I force her to watch The Usual Suspects for the same reason. I’d also like to point at her and laugh, but that just seems mean.

When Javen heads upstairs and discovers the message written on his bathroom mirror and adorned with lip prints of all shapes and sizes, he tosses on his Hercule Poirot hat (that’s a literary reference, Hannah!) and asks for lip prints from all the girls in the house so he can solve this very fascinating mystery. Guess what? Brittany loves pretend detectives! She watches Javen walk around the house holding a clipboard covered with lips and she cannot stop herself from feeling all kinds of smitten. I suppose it’s good Brittany is turning her attentions to Javen because it seems Evan is really into Morgan, a woman he used to hate for reasons I still refuse to recall. Evan’s fully interested now and I already feel badly about what Kaci’s going to be exposed to at the next bonfire.

As Evan admits he has a crush on someone over at his villa, things are way more sedate at the girls’ house. They’re having a talent show because what else are you going to do when you have no internet access and the mindless f*cking you could engage in will end up being broadcast to both your boyfriend and millions of viewers? Through this talent show we learn several things:

A few of the guys are impressive dancers, including one who is a film editor. Besides knowing how to spin on his head, the guy also has to know that every single thing he says is nothing but a potentially provocative sound bite that could haunt every nanosecond of his future.

Val – the self-appointed funniest, shortest, and youngest –might also be the biggest tool of the bunch, but check back with me in a few weeks and I’ll let you know for sure.

It’s a very good thing Johnny has a job realigning spines because, judging from his rap, his future career as a musician remains very much in question.

Roman has no discernable talent, but he can chug a beer and may be willing to swear to Kady that, should they procreate, he will let their baby girl bawl her eyes out until Kady herself feels tended to.

Jack the Writer spits out a rather generic poem, but this guy knows his audience. The girls immediately coo over how sweet he is. Even Shari is cooing! Poetry truly is magical, especially when everyone is too drunk to be anything but emotional.

While I have no idea who ended up winning the talent show, I do know something shifted inside Nicole and she is starting to realize she hasn’t spent very much time opening up to her boyfriend. She wants to open up and maybe the only sad thing here is that it took listening to a basic rhyme scheme poolside on a show called Temptation Island for her to realize it.

And now that everyone is in positive spirits, it’s time to crush them once again with another Bonfire of Doom. Karl is the first to be shown footage of his girlfriend and he watches her tear up over Jack’s poem. Not a bit of the footage impacts him in the slightest. In fact, the only thing that concerns him is that it was that particular poem that caused his girlfriend to get weepy. What he decides right then and there is that if Nicole is opening up, maybe it’s time that he allow himself to open up also. My guess is these two have differing ideas about what constitutes “opening up,” but we’ll have to wait to see the mess that is sure to come. As for Javen, he watches footage of Shari crying and he basically shrugs.

“It takes strength to cry,” Mark tells him.

“I see it as a sign of weakness,” Javen responds, and if you didn’t hear the rush of foreboding in the air the second he said those words, then you’ve willingly gone deaf and a part of me doesn’t blame you.

John gets to see Kady discussing parenting strategies with a stranger, but he’s less hurt this week. He does reveal that his father committed suicide only five years ago, a tragic event the host of this show claims he didn’t know about, though I seriously doubt that. Knowing the history in his family as well as she must, John appears hurt that Kady would so much as question how he would be as a father and it seems like his feelings for his girlfriend are already souring significantly.

Evan is last and he watches Kaci tell Justin that Evan cheated on her in the past. He also gets to watch Justin proclaim that cheaters never change, but Evan doesn’t believe such a thing and watching this sequence upsets him. After what happened with his father, he knows full f*cking well what cheating can do to a relationship – and it’s here where I find myself once again very confused. Okay, so Kaci and Evan were fully on the same page about their intentions in terms of how they would spend their days on that island. But did they not consider that while they wouldn’t officially be cheating on one another due to their predetermined arrangement, what they may surely have to deal with afterwards will still involve the harsh sting of betrayal that’s really the sh*ttiest part of the cheating experience? I’m concerned for these people. I think pain is heading their way in spades and I can only hope Jack will write a poem about all of this that will comfort every man, woman, and child on that island, though if it’s Kady’s child, someone should make sure to comfort Kady first.

That baby can wait.

Here’s an exclusive clip from Episode 4 as things heat up at bonfire for Kaci:

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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