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Photo Credit: USA Network

It’s fitting that the last thing David bestows upon Kate is a glob of snot on her bare shoulder, but we’ll return to David’s errant bodily fluids in just a moment. See, first we need to get back to David’s pressing need to itemize for Kate all of the very many ways he humiliated and betrayed her during the last month, and he – like every garden variety sociopath who has come before him – will claim that he is telling her this information all in the name of honesty while conveniently ignoring the fact that retrospective honesty doesn’t f*cking count for anything. But because he believes he owes her the respect of telling her just how cavalierly he chose to emotionally gut her, here’s what Dave tells Kate for purposes of her own edification:

1. Toneata, a woman Dave has known for approximately thirty days, is not holding his whorishness against him – you know, the way Kate is doing because Kate is a Mean Lady – … Continue reading →

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Photo Credit: USA Network

If you’re anything like me, you’re currently doing five things right now:

1. Looking forward to Kate impaling Dave with a pointy piece of firewood at the final Bonfire. 2. Quickly throwing together a betting pool so you can win some money if you happen to guess with the exact gallon of tears Casey will shed when his “sales pitch” to become Ashley’s husband doesn’t work. 3. Paging through Psychology textbooks to make sure you clearly understand the symptoms of “delusions of grandeur” because you think it’s very important to properly diagnose the people you write about in your recaps. 4. Including “Never go on a f*cking reality show” in your growing list of New Year’s Resolutions. To be fair, such a creed has been on that list for well over a decade, but so has “Stop swallowing gum” and sometimes you falter a bit with that one. 5. Coming to terms with the idea that there is no way this episode will not end on a cliffhanger. … Continue reading →

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Photo Credit: USA Network

I’ve come to realize that watching Temptation Island is similar in some ways to having an addiction. There are very high highs and some seriously low lows and yet I keep chasing that dragon and coming back for more, even though I could be using the time it takes me to write these recaps to catch up on all the Faulkner I intentionally skipped over the years. (That man went on for pages about sh*t like flora and fauna.) But the biggest reason I feel Temptation Island is similar to an addiction is because the action has become repetitive. We’re on episode nine now, and certain things probably won’t change. Ashley H. will still be amazed by some new boy’s kisses. Casey will still be crying over how poorly things have turned out for him. Gavin will continue to look stunned by Esonica’s growing confidence. Rick, who saw way too much the first week to be stunned by anything at this point, will ride out the next few … Continue reading →