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Temptation Island

“Temptation Island” – Nell Kalter’s Episode 5 Recap

Photo Credit: USA Network

Since the Close Proximity portion of the date has arrived for the men, Karl is lounging in a hammock with Brittany. He tells her she’s the best looking girl in the house. I’m not sure if Katheryn would agree with Karl’s assessment, but she definitely agrees that Lindsey is not the prettiest girl in all the land. No, Katheryn thinks Lindsey looks very much like a soggy poodle – and no, such a callous comment has nothing to do with the fact that John took Lindsey out on a date and she got extra camera time in the process so stop being silly. Jeffri encourages Katheryn to take matters into her own hands and create a mini date at the house since John is not allowed to take her on any actual dates, and though it seems pretty clear that Katheryn is more of a complain-from-afar kind of girl, she agrees with Jeffri’s plan and gets herself in the proper headspace to woo a man who is in a long-term relationship because that’s how all storybook romances begin. While Jeffri distracts John by playing a game of pool in a bikini, Katheryn hurries upstairs so she can fling roses on the ground next to some tea lights and then heads back downstairs so she can hand John a massive glass of wine and then lead him to the lair she hopefully will not accidentally torch in the name of seduction.

“Kady’s never done anything like this for me,” John says upon seeing the hastily tossed flowers.

“Katheryn will,” Katheryn responds, but since she responds in the third person, I obviously have to commit to hating her entirely.

John explains to Katheryn that his decision to act like he’s single is totally predicated on knowing if Kady crosses a line. Should her lips touch anybody’s anything, John will behave like a single man. Should she refrain from bodily contact with another man, he’s planning to remain chaste. I know what you’re all thinking! Perhaps Jeffri’s next plan can involve a carrier pigeon who takes a note from their villa all the way to the other villa and then drops down a message that informs the male Tempters that Kady seriously needs to – at the very least – be felt up before the next Bonfire. Are there pigeons in Hawaii? Before the corralling of birds can commence, Katheryn locks herself in a bathroom to cry over what is quite simply a minor rejection and then she and John play a little pool during which time Katheryn rubs herself against him and he gives her one kiss on her lips before saying he can’t kiss her, to which Katheryn trills back, “You just did!” And while that kiss should barely count as a kiss, I’m sure it will be the very thing Kady sees at the next Bonfire because these producers are many things, but we all know dumb is not one of their reigning qualities.

It looks like John might soon get the opportunity to feel single. Over at the girls’ house, Kady is on top of Johnny in the pool. Turns out that him winning the ball-through-the-sticks game was a total aphrodisiac for her. And it also appears that maybe the drinks served to everyone were especially potent on that particular evening because a sh*tload of them are seriously feeling tempted. Evan kisses Morgan in his bedroom. Nicole smiles when Tyler tells her how into her he is. Karl and Brittany hang out in a hot tub and she traces her finger down his neck before backing her ass into his crotch, and the only positive thing I can say about any of this is that now Kaci will at least have some company in her Land of F*cking Mental Misery.

Mark shows up unannounced at the girls’ villa. He does not bring beer, but he does arrive bearing the lovely news that there will be no Bonfire later in the evening. The relief that washes across the faces of the women makes me feel sad. Why? Because you know production is just hoping that allowing them to stay at their house now that they’re all extra drunk will yield some incendiary footage that will seriously kick this show into high gear and it annoys me that the participants – who grew up exposed to reality shows – do not realize a heaping ton of emotion-destroying bullsh*t is heading their way. Maybe they’ll realize it tomorrow, but tonight the girls will dance and Kaci will slide into a split and Shari will crack yet another smile and Kady will give Wynn a lap dance and then give kisses to Val and Carlos on their cheeks that will inspire Johnny to flip the f*ck out in a manner that is kind of the opposite of adorable.

As Johnny contemplates the quickest way to drown C*ck-Blocking Carlos – Bathtub? Ocean? Toilet bowl? – the female Tempters at the guys’ villa have decided they’re sick of being in bikinis all day so they throw a cocktail party where everyone must dress in clothing that won’t leave them with a potential bladder infection come morning. Karl appears in a suit, though most of it comes off rather quickly. Tara is kind enough to dab the sweat off his chest and soon it’s decided that there should be a new dress code: bikinis and heels!

Quick question: Will Tara be kind enough to also walk around this vast nation dabbing the tears currently being shed by any feminists who watch this show? And will those flimsy tissues be enough to clean up the blood of anyone foolish enough to actually posit that flinging on a bikini and heels to better tempt a man in a relationship is its own kind of feminist power?

Back at the other house, Kady sits on Johnny’s lap. She’s confused and drunk enough to bring him up to her room. She’s not entirely wasted enough, however, to fully cross the line. Nicole also brings a guy up to her room. She passes out before anything happens, but Tyler does sit up playing with her hair and since there’s very little in life I value more than a man who will stroke my hair until the sun rises, should he and Nicole not work out, Tyler should call me.

But less restraint is being shown by one of the guys. While Karl manages to say goodnight to Brittany without slipping his tongue into her mouth – an act of restraint by a man with a girlfriend that causes his maybe-side-piece to cry because, you know, Aquariuses are emotional – Evan and Morgan crawl into the same bed and Evan admits once again that, though he was hoping this experience would clarify how strong his feelings are for Kaci, what he’s discovering has taken him clear in the other direction and straight to a place where an evening can end with him telling some other girl that he cannot have sex with her, but she can certainly feel free to straddle him until morning.

Here is an exclusive clip from next week’s episode where John tells Katheryn his feelings on Hannah’s aggressiveness towards him:

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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