-We started where we left off last week where Chris is sitting on the steps talking to Colton after last rose ceremony, and he’s giving him a birds and the bees lesson I believe. “Now Colton, when you go into the room and you get undressed, be sure to put that little balloon thingy on to make sure no babies are made, ok?” I know Chris has to play a father figure to these leads during filming sometime, but geez, when he had to have this “talk” with Colton last season before Becca’s final four rose ceremony, and now this, if I were him I would’ve asked for a slight bump in pay this episode. Really? I have to talk to this guy about where he needs to put it? He’s a grown ass man. He can figure it out himself. You can clearly see the embarrassment streaming down Chris’ face during this episode. Although did you see the earpiece in Chris’ ear when he was talking to Colton? Either editing screwed up and forgot to take that out or, well, yeah…editing screwed up. Not at all weird to think Chris wears an earpiece on set. But it is odd that we clearly saw it. I can’t ever remember seeing that.
-Tayshia shows up for her date because, ummmm, I guess she’s contractually obligated to. But since no one’s told her yet that Colton wants Cassie and Cassie only, she has to go on a date with a guy who really isn’t that interested even though he says a bunch of words that makes us think he is. He’s not. Their chemistry made that pretty clear. I was caught off guard in the beginning of the date when Tayshia arrived in her jacket, wrapped over her like a cape, but she didn’t put her arms through them. I guess that’s some sort of cute fashion sense I know nothing about but I wasn’t a fan. There’s arms on the jacket for a reason. Use them please. So after that fashion faux paux, they head out on a helicopter and go on some cliff and do some stuff and talk about nothing and walk some and do some more nothing and I just want to get to Cassie’s date because I don’t care about this ok bye.
-Ok fine, there’s still some more Tayshia and Colton stuff to cover. On their date, Tayshia uses some wonky double sided tape to start her foreplay with Colton. You see, whatever she used, it wasn’t really sticking, giving her multiple nipple slips which got Colton all hot and bothered under the table. You know, because he’s never had sex before and this whole dinner date revolved around what was coming later on that night. Hint: It wasn’t Colton. But man, this was like one giant blue balls for Colton sitting at dinner with Tayshia and having her top continuously slide off. Purposely? I’d say so. She tried to get him in the mood. Although, throwing in that she was cheated on by her ex-husband was kind of a mood killer and may have caused Colton to lose his erection momentarily. The whole dinner convo was built around the fantasy suite later. Even Chris’ intern-written date card said, “If you choose to forgo your individual rooms and stay together in our fantasy suite to dry hump all night so you remain a virgin for Cassie, please use this key and leave immediately. Go on! Get going, Colton! Your zipper rubbing your penis raw awaits you!”
-So they get to the fantasy suite, and as expected, it was one giant letdown. All date Colton was telling us in ITM’s about his first time, and what he expected it to be like, it’d be passionate, it’d be loving, etc. Well, we all know he didn’t feel any of that with Tayshia, which is why they didn’t have sex and their overnight date might as well have been them playing Monopoly for hours on end. Or Operation. Or Pin the Tail on the Donkey. Hey, is that still a thing? Are kids doing that at birthday parties now, or is it all just bounce houses and petting zoos? What an underrated game that was. For a 5 year old? That must’ve been one giant mind f**k. Here Billy, lets blindfold you, spin you around til your candy filled stomach feels like you’re going to heave it all up, give you this sticker to pin on the wall, and just let you embarrass yourself in front of your friends. What an anxiety attach waiting to happen that must’ve been. Good job, parents. Where was I? Oh yeah, Colton and Tayshia didn’t have sex and that’s all we learned about their overnight.
