7.7K

Photo Credit: MTV

There are those collective anxiety dreams a ton of us share. You know the ones I’m talking about, right? The nocturnal miseries I tend to experience on repeat are of having to run but not being able to move or searching for a classroom to go take some test I didn’t study for in a class I’ve cut for an entire semester. I’ve only had the delightful whoops-I-just-showed-up-in-public-naked dream once, but I do often awake knowing I’ve just been tormented through a final REM cycle because Dream Me ran into one or three of my exes when I was least expecting it – and when my hair looked like sh*t. Well, MTV has decided to take that last night terror and make it real on tonight’s Are You the One? while ostensibly still pretending that every hideous thing they are doing is all in our contestants’ very best interests.

The last ceremony ended with only two new beams of light and some very bizarre pairings since several of … Continue reading →

6.3K

Photo Credit: MTV

I realize, of course, that very few people are drawn to Are You the One? because of the mathematical strategies that must be employed for twenty-two people to have a shot at splitting a million dollars, but for those who are interested, the statistics at this point are as follows:

• 3 beams of light were nabbed in 2 consecutive ceremonies.

• 0 matches were made from 2 sojourns into the Truth Booth.

• 1 guy received head from Kenya during a luau.

• 1 girl named Lauren has received approximately 36 seconds of screen time.

• 7 blowups have gone down courtesy of Bria and 4 of them required she be physically restrained.

• And the number of women still convinced something real and true exists beneath Zak’s staggering and smelly layers of douchiness? Well, that number would probably measure somewhere near infinity.

The last ceremony concluded with Zak calling Bria trash and her retaliating in return that their garbage love story is over – and all … Continue reading →

7.5K

Photo Credit: MTV

A sweet reader of my recaps remarked last week that Bria’s crazed behavior — you know, the kind she exhibited each of the five times she flew into a rage during the premiere episode because a guy she’d known for all of forty-eight hours was speaking with other girls during a DATING SHOW — would lead to producers tossing her from the villa for good. There’s a true sense of logic behind that kind of rational mindset, but my response was that I guessed that not only would Bria never be thrown off this show, but she would instead become the newest face of MTV and eventually appear on every single one of the network’s shows. The girl has chosen to present herself as an unstable hellion who experiences only the briefest pangs of retrospective regret and that, of course, means two things: 1) She is a casting director’s fever dream come true and 2) Anyone who questions if this girl should be anywhere but on a therapist’s … Continue reading →