-The intro video of Nick himself was rather hilarious because they try to make it seem like he’s a businessman in Chicago now and he’s walking downtown in the city trying to look all business-y and important-y. Ummm, not quite. He’s a model now in LA who takes shirtless pictures sitting on a window sill next to a plant to post on Instagram. That’s what he does. Lets lose the whole Chicago bit, why don’t ya? He hasn’t lived there for over a year and probably isn’t going back anytime soon if his TV career aspirations have any say.
-Then we got the clips of his time on Andi’s and Kaitlyn’s season to show us how much heartbreak he’s been through in this franchise. Granted, he hates Andi now since she sold him down the river to sell a few books and he admittedly doesn’t speak to Kaitlyn anymore. Funny, no mention of Paradise with Jen, so, I guess that wasn’t heartbreak. Of all the phoniness and fakery Nick has displayed at times in this franchise, the Jen breakup in Paradise pretty much takes the cake. So many lies behind that whole thing it’s laughable. That break up speech at the end was full of so much bulls**t, I expected it to be sponsored by a manure company. He knew exactly what he was doing heading into BIP with Jen and played her like a fiddle.
-We get Nick back at home in Wisconsin with family, and they also made sure to show Nick kicking a soccer ball and getting a lecture from younger 11 year old sister Bella, who has become a staple on these shows. I think it’s safe to say that when Bella is of age, she’s going on this show. I mean, how could she not? She’s almost been shown more times than Nick has. I think Bella certainly has learned her lesson from this show as she passes on her incredible knowledge to Nick, which is “Don’t mumble.” Sorry honey, he has a bit of a speech impediment and a lisp, so that might be hard for him not to. But look on the bright side, later this season you and your soccer team will get a free slurpee from the roller skating rink and you get to have a candid conversation with Raven, your future almost sister-in-law-but-not.
-I know it’s now a staple of the franchise to have former leads come talk to the new lead in episode 1 before they meet the contestants, but c’mon, it’s a pointless, time-eating segment that offers up nothing. And when Chris Soules is one who constantly keeps getting to come back and give advice, it really makes you question the point of the segment. You know what every single former leads message has ultimately ended up being, whether it’s the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette?” “Just be yourself.” Wow. What incredible insight. They all say the same thing. Every season. Would I expect Nick to be Ben Higgins? Sean Lowe? Of course he’s gonna be himself. It’s a completely unnatural situation to be in. I know they won’t get rid of these talks from past leads, but for my sanity, maybe they should.
-We get 10 intro videos from the girls. They are:
Rachel: Lawyer from Dallas. Not white. Probably your next “Bachelorette” as she’s been featured quite prominently in every season preview. Not to mention first impression rose receiver, final 3 finisher, and checks off the minority box for a lead that’s been left empty for only 13 years and 33 seasons now.
Danielle Lombard: Likes to brag about having run 3 businesses. I can tell you right now, that’s a lie. She’s never been a business owner. She worked for the owner very closely. But nice try anyway. And oh yeah, she’s half naked all over the internet if you google her, so there’s that.
Vanessa: Apparently the greatest human alive who can do nothing wrong if you read any of the emails I’ve received on her since I said she wasn’t the most well liked in the house. You’ll see a couple of those tomorrow. It’s started already. Someone throw scalding hot water on me. Oh well. You can’t reason with ignorance.
Josephine: The resident weirdo with the wacky intro video package. Seems to fit her character as she’s kinda out there and seems a bit goofy. Ok, a lot goofy. Like, if Disneyland needed a replacement, she could easily fill in wearing that outfit with the giant shoes. Cuck-koo, cuck-koo.
Raven: Our resident southern gal this season who hails from a town that has like 71 people in it or something. She should’ve come out of the limo milking a cow or playing a banjo. Or blowin’ in a jug. Seemed to be more fitting.
Corinne: Just…yeah. Her intro video is pretty much all you need to know about her. Spoiled brat, lives off parents money, has her own nanny, and will be the first girl on Paradise to have sex with someone this summer. I’m sure the Bachelor guys are already sliding into her DM’s to set that sh** up. Pretty much the lock of the century.
Alexis: Another one with a wacky intro video because she’s obsessed with dolphins and wants to be a dolphin trainer. Also, good looking enough to where she will absolutely be on Paradise this summer as well. I commend her for committing to her bit the whole first night. That couldn’t have been comfortable.
Danielle Maltby: Surprised she never referenced the dead fiancé in her intro video, but I’m sure it’ll come up next episode on her 1-on-1. I mean lets face it, it’s the sob story of all sob stories. Then again, Kelsey from Chris’ season actually had a dead husband and she completely embarrassed herself by the way she acted, so I guess the jury is still out. Little known fact: Very close friends with Wells and that dude from American Idol who was married to the chick from Twilight. Hell I don’t feel like looking up names.
Taylor: A mental health counselor from Seattle. The irony of all ironies is that a mental health counselor is a contestant on the “Bachelor” when she should probably be working FOR them. If Taylor lays down on her own couch and starts talking to herself, does she get billed?
Liz: A doula from Vegas. But that’s not important. What is is that she had a one night stand with Nick back at Jade and Tanner’s wedding and that pretty much dominates the first episode. I wish Liz would’ve stuck around longer. Already a favorite of mine, but two episodes is not enough. Booooooooooooo.