-Next is the limo entrances which are never show in the order that they actually occurred. And this episode actually had proof of that since in one limo shot, we see 5 girls talking: Dominique, Astrid, Rachel, Christen, and Whitney. However, those girls are not shown coming out 5 in a row when the limo entrances happen as you’ll see. Nice editing. Although, the average fan isn’t paying that close attention to that so I doubt they care. Since there were 30 limo entrances and not all of them were the least bit interesting, I’ll just point out the ones that caught my eye:
Danielle L.: I think Danielle got everyone started off on the right foot making sure when she put her dress on, there was more cleavage showing than in a burlesque show. Way to kick things off, Danielle! You’re the best! America already loves your girls!
Rachel: We know is a major player this season, but the opening line was corny. Cool she plays fantasy football, but “the only plays I wanna make this season is for your heart.” Meh. Stick to just playing fantasy football and back away from the metaphors. It’s not becoming of you.
Taylor: Told him her girlfriends warned her about Nick being “a piece of sh**,” but she didn’t believe them. Hey, Nick has even called himself an assh**e at times, so it’s not like they’re that far off. And since you’re the psychoanalyzer this season, I think you should give Nick pics of those giant ink blotches and try to figure him out. Because those are always helpful.
Lauren: Tells him they’re both cursed with bad last names. His is Viall and she’s Hussey. Yep. Those last names suck. But considering how much Lauren has taken to social media already to pimp herself out despite being completely irrelevant to this season, one word you also both have in common: insufferable.
Michelle: You don’t remember hers because they spent maybe 4 seconds on it since she was booted the first night, but she actually arrived in her lemonade truck and let Nick sit in it. When you come with a gimmick that big, then it’s not even shown, you know you aren’t important to the season.
Olivia: Is from Alaska, has a giant fur coat on that she must’ve killed numerous bears to get, and she does Eskimo kisses with him. Hey, is that in any way related to Eskimo brothers we heard so much about during Kaitlyn’s season?
No? Ok, I’ll move on then.
Jasmine G.: Went with the big guns and brought out Neil Lane to tell Nick what kinda ring she wanted. Cute. Hey Neil, whatever ring you had to give away in the end, be expecting it back in a Fed Ex package in a few months. You can re-sell it with Grant/Lace’s and Amanda/Josh’s ring. No skin off your back.
Hailey: “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I.” Decent joke. I don’t think any guy would be turned off by that. I know I wouldn’t. However, with 8 million people watching? Hmmmmm, might wanna slow your roll a little bit.
Astrid: Spoke German and asked him, “Have you seen the breasts?” Huh? What? Where does this come from? Do Germans just go around asking people this? What breasts? Anyone’s breasts? Your breasts? Such a bizarre question. Anyway, it once again proves my theory: Germans love Nick Viall.
Liz: An awkward greeting, but not nearly as awkward as what happened later. When you have sex with someone, then you don’t speak with them for 9 months, only to show up out of a limo on a nationally televised show, it’s pretty much like standing in front of a crowded room naked. I think.
Corinne: She gave him hug tokens that he can cash in later. Hug tokens = free handy when no one’s looking out by the pool.
Danielle M.: They licked syrup off their naked bodies. Or something like that. Actually, what I learned last night on Twitter is that Danielle recently appeared in Cole Swindell’s “Middle of a Memory” video released last year:
This is basically every country slow song, right?
Raven: From Arkansas, so you knew she’s get a Pig Sooie in there. Bret Bielema would be proud. Although, he’s probably running from pissed off alums who want him strung up by his nuts after that embarrassing second half in the Belk Bowl. I’m guessing he’s not too worried about Raven this season. Is it just me or is Raven gonna give Rachel a little run for her “Bachelorette” money? I can see people getting behind both of them.
Josephine: Has a book. Has a hot dog in it. “You’re a weiner in my book.” Kill me now. Just whack me across the face with a baseball bat. My will to live is over.
Lacey: Arrived on a camel with the quip, “I hear you like a good hump.” Well, I guess it’s better to show off your camel night one than your camel toe.
Alexis: Ahhh, Alexis. The hammered one. Hell, she was even hammered when she got out of the limo before she started mainlining champagne inside. What a hot mess. Shark. Dolphin. Whatever. I’m just glad that Alexis didn’t throw in there to Nick she would like him to do the dolphin to her. Google it.