Dr. Reality Steve
Hi Steve! I don’t really have a relationship issue but, just really looking for a man’s perspective.
I’m in a happy relationship with my boyfriend of almost a year and a half. Everything is great and we’re on the same page with where our future is going, so I know an engagement is imminent in the upcoming months.
My question is – as a man would you find it appropriate that your girlfriend show you the style of ring she would want? Would it be helpful to have guidance on what style of ring to buy, or would you rather hope she trusts you enough to know what she’d like? I’m just wondering if I should start dropping hints, or tell friends what I like, or just flat out bring it up and show him the style I love? I’m not even talking size or carats, but more so the setting and look of it all. I know some friends have picked out their exact rings ahead of time (which I definitely don’t want to do), while others have been totally surprised. I guess I’m asking your opinion because I’m somewhere in the middle. Us girls think about these things pretty much since the womb, so I’m just curious what a guy thinks about this big decision.
Comment: I would tell him if he asked. Like you said, you don’t want to pick out your ring beforehand. I agree, that’s kinda weird and ruins any element of surprise. Unless this guy is a jeweler in his spare time, I gotta imagine he’s gonna ask you what kind of cut you like, right? How would he know what type to get you if he didn’t? Or do guys try and wing that on their own and hope their fiancé likes it? I’ve never been engaged, so I wouldn’t necessarily know the protocol on this, but I think I would at least ask what she likes and go from there. And you would obviously not have a problem telling him what you like. I think he should ask you. I would.
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Hey Steve. I could use your advice on a situation. I’m in my early 30’s and my Mom passed away suddenly about a year and a half ago. She seemed to be in perfect health, went in to get her gallbladder removed, they found cancer and she died 10 days later. She and I were extremely close and she was truly my best friend. My Mom had been married to my stepdad since I was 18 and he’s wonderful. I don’t have a good relationship with my biological father but I consider my stepdad my Dad. He was completely devastated when my Mom died.
Recently he’s begun acting cold and distant. He’s started throwing out things of my Mom’s that meant a lot to her (and me) without discussing it with me or my brother first. Then a week ago I texted him to ask if he would like to have lunch the following day. I got a response back that said he already had plans with his girlfriend and her family but maybe next weekend. What??? What girlfriend? And that’s how he decided to tell me he now has a girlfriend?
So, Sunday I met him to see a movie. I figured that was a good way to spend some time with him without having to talk about this girlfriend that I’m not ready to hear about. Best laid plans… as soon as we sat down he pulled his phone out and showed me a picture of them with their arms wrapped around each other and starts telling me about her. I tried to change the subject a couple times but he just kept talking about her.
He met her on NYE and she lives out of state but she was here visiting her family. He said that they’d found an excuse to see each other every day and that this weekend he’s flying out to spend the weekend with her. And he told me that on their first date he took her to a restaurant that was one he and my Mom used to go to together a lot. That got under my skin but I played it cool until the movie started and the conversation was over.
I have a lot of concerns and fears about him dating that I wanted to discuss with him before he started actually seeing someone. I tried to initiate that conversation about 6 months ago but he shut it down before I could tell him anything about my feelings.
My stepdad and his side of the family are the only family my brother and I have. I worry that if he gets serious with someone at some point she won’t want reminders of his deceased wife, my Mom around. Starting with her pictures, things around the house that were her touches or things, and possibly even my brother and I. (And it sort of seems that’s already beginning to happen.) I’m afraid it won’t be ok to talk about my Mom around him anymore. While I know it’s not my decision, I’m also not at all ok with another woman in my Mom’s house, the house I grew up in that she bought long before she ever met my stepdad. I’m afraid he will become distant towards me because I look so much like my Mom and I remind him of her a lot. And I KNOW this is a completely unfair and irrational thought that I’m most likely having because I’m still grieving but I feel like “why does he get to replace her when I can’t?”
I really don’t want my stepdad to be lonely or alone the rest of his life. I want him to be happy, whether that means meeting someone, casually dating, dating seriously, staying single, any of it as long as he’s happy. I’m just not ready for him to be dating anyone yet. It’s only been a year and a half since my Mom died and he’s always said she was the absolute love of his life; that she was the only woman he ever loved besides his mother. It just feels too soon for me to be comfortable with it. Plus, I wanted to share my concerns with him before he started seeing someone.
So my questions to you are:
– Am I irrational or out of place to feel like it’s too soon?
– In your opinion, is it too soon?
– Does it seem to you that it’s moving pretty fast? They met on NYE and he’s already met her family and taking trips to see her out of state.
– Do you think my fears/concerns are legitimate?
– How should I handle this situation? Should I only share my fears with him or should I also share with him my feelings on it being too soon for me to be comfortable with it?
– How do I start that conversation?
– Is it ok to tell him my feelings about any woman being in the house he shared with my Mom?
I don’t want to create a situation where he won’t ever talk to me about his dating life or where he feels like he has to keep things from me, but I do want him to understand and respect that it’s still very fresh for me and it hurts. I know he loved my Mom for about 15 years but he’s had about 50 years of his life without her in it. Until 17 months ago I had never gone a day of my life without my Mom in it so I’m still figuring out what the landscape of my life looks like without her, if that makes sense.
Thanks for your help Reality Steve. (Also, my Mom and I loved watching The Bachelor/ette together – we watched every episode from the 1st one together, even if it was just texting back and forth. She wouldn’t read your site because she claimed she didn’t want to know the spoilers but inevitably every season before the 1st episode aired she’d give in and ask me “What does Reality Steve say? Ha!)
Comment: First off, sorry for your loss.
It’s a tricky situation because of everything you laid out. She’s your mother, you knew her longer than he did, and he gets to move on but you don’t get a new mom. I get it. But obviously on his side, he gets to. I don’t think he’s being malicious in dating someone new, and you said you want him to be happy. Unfortunately, it kinda comes at your expense. But he’s going to date and see people now that your mother is passed and it’s something you’re going to have to accept. Now, onto your questions…
Is it too soon?: Everyone grieves differently. There’s no universal answer for this. It’s been 18 months. If that means for him it’s long enough, then it’s long enough. If it was a couple weeks later, yeah, that’d be too soon. But I don’t see a problem with 18 months.
Do I think it’s too soon?: No.
Is it moving too fast?: Again, there’s no universal answer. Relationships move at different paces for everyone. I say give it some time before deciding if him visiting her out of state is too fast.
Fears/concerns are legitimate?: Absolutely. Plus, you’re hurt. Even though you want him to be happy, of course it’s not gonna be natural at first to see him dating and being with another woman that’s not your mom. It’s gonna be awkward for a while I’m assuming. But if he’s happy, you’ll eventually get over it I’m sure.
How should you handle it?: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you telling him how you feel, that you want him to be happy, but that it’s still raw for you, and you’re not ready quite yet to be all one big happy family with his new girlfriend. He should respect that. I just wouldn’t tell him he shouldn’t be dating her, or that it’s too soon, or whatever, because he’ll shut you down. He feels like this is the right time for him so it’s not your place to tell him that it isn’t. But you can tell him you’re still adjusting and don’t need to spend time with her right now. But absolutely you should bring it up to him.
How do you start the convo?: Go to dinner with him and explain to him what I just laid out. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. He should understand.
Ok to tell him your feelings?: That’s probably the toughest one. Because if he’s dating someone, and she’s out of state, and she’s in town to see him, I mean I guess he could put her up a hotel, but that seems like a pretty big inconvenience. You don’t still live at home I assume, so maybe you just let him know that you’d rather not know about when she’s in town and staying there so you don’t actually see or hear about it yourself. It’s still a soft spot for you and that you think it’d be best if you just didn’t hear about it right now.
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