Dr. Reality Steve
Hello Steve,
I’ve been reading your spoilers since Chris Soules’ season and love your podcast! I appreciate your Dr Reality Steve advice and i’m hoping you can help me!
I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years now. I am happy but at the same time there are things that have caused many problems in our relationship that mainly are because of his family. His mother and step father are incredibly rude to me, including other people in his family. I need advice as to how I should approach letting his family know how awful they make me feel. A problem: They speak English poorly and communication is difficult. There is also a cultural barrier that is difficult for me to get accustomed to. My nationality is American and my ethnicity is Hispanic. His family, however, have lived in France with other European mixed ethnicity.
At the beginning, everything was fine. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 5 months prior to meeting his family. I had just moved in with him. He had not seen his mother for 12 years, as he had been to the U.S for college and work. She was coming to visit and stayed for 3 months with us before going back to France. His mother was so nice to me, would even caress my cheek and hug me and say i’m so happy. Everything changed quickly, actually, only days after meeting her.
Let me give you background story of how the animosity began:
I had just woken up. I was getting ready for my day. I saw my boyfriend’s mother and him having a heated discussion in the hallway. I just passed by them and smiled and got to the shower. I did not want to interrupt because to me, that would be rude, especially since they had not seen each other in 12 years! After coming out from the shower, I heard screaming and crying. I went to see what happened and my boyfriend said that in their culture, you are supposed to hug/kiss in the morning and before going to bed and since i did not do that, she was all up in arms about it. I didn’t know! Just for that, My boyfriend and I almost broke up! From then on, things turned for the worst.
She has said things to me that I cannot take lightly and I just can’t get along with her. She speaks English poorly, but at the same time, has been able to insult me well. She speaks English well enough for anyone to understand when she wants to and when it’s not convenient for her, she says “I no speak English.” Let me just give you some examples of things she has said to me:
-“***** why do you eat eggs for breakfast? it’s very low class. My friends and I eat bread and cheese and tea.”
-“***** why do you go to school and work for? women should stay home to cook and clean.”
-“***** you are too pretty to be from Mexico” (she and her sister told me this)
-“Oh my gosh *****! you know how to speak English, Spanish and Mexican language!? wow!”
-“Don’t bring any gifts or anything into my house! Only I choose what can be inside MY house! (while aggressively pointing at her head)
And those are just some of the things she has said. I don’t want to get into the rest of it or what the stepdad has done because I will cry for sure.
Fast forward to now, time and time again, I have discussed this with my boyfriend and all he says is: Thats just who they are. Ignore it. He says he’s not a family type of person anyway and doesn’t care that his family and I don’t get along and doesn’t mind if we, for example, never have dinner together. He also tells me that i am very important to him and doesn’t want to break up just because his family is difficult to deal with. They are known to insult him and their close friends too.
The thing is I cannot deal with them insulting me, especially because in recent years, they moved close to where we live and I see them more frequently. Every time they say something rude to me, I just leave the room and don’t say anything back. What would you do if you were in my situation? I feel this is my battle and I have to do something for them to stop treating me like this. But I am afraid that if I tell them that what they say makes me cry, they will actually insult me even more! Help!
Comment: It’s been 8 years with your boyfriend and since the first day you met his mom and that argument in the hallway, she’s insulted you. And all those insults seem to be a cultural thing and/or she doesn’t know any better. If your own boyfriend is telling you to ignore it because that’s what they are, assuming things are never changing.
With that said, is this something you really want to deal with continuing forward? That’s your decision to make, but know that it certainly doesn’t look like at all this behavior from them is going to change. Your boyfriend seems to be able to deal with it because he’s used to it and grew up around it. That’s great and all, but does that mean you have to suffer for it? I don’t see this as being the most healthy relationship right now. Why won’t he say something to his family on your behalf? I know he says they aren’t that important to him and he still cares about you, but wouldn’t he either A) just keep you away from them knowing how they make you feel or B) say something to his family about insulting you?
I think you need to just decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in. Somehow, you’ve put up with this for 8 years. If you want to continue putting up with it, that’s on you. Or say something to him to tell them they make you feel uncomfortable because this isn’t getting any better.
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Hi Steve,
I need help trying to figure out the male mind. I dated a wonderful guy 15 years ago. We broke up bc of some jealousy on his part but it was a friendly breakup. He has contacted me via email every couple of years or so just to see how I’m doing. He was definitely the love of my life and I still love him. We live about an hour apart.
Right before Christmas he emailed me to ask how I was doing and said that I was still very much in his thoughts and heart even now. I wrote back a very basic email. He wrote back and asked if I was married and if so, congratulations but if not, he knows of some wedding chapels that need our business (smiley face) I wrote back that I was still happily divorced and agreed about the chapels needing business (smiley face) He wrote back and said if this is a proposal that he accepts but will wait until I’m back in town to give me the ring (I was out of town for the holidays).
Here’s where I’m confused: throughout our conversations he has never asked for my phone number. I never responded to his last email thinking he would write for my number but it’s been over a month and I haven’t heard a word. Please tell me what in the world he is doing?
Thank you so much!
Comment: He’s making a light joke to gauge your interest. It’s cute and all, but the fact he hasn’t followed up with anything or hasn’t asked for your number is pretty much all you need to know. He’s not overly interested. Do you know his situation? Is he divorced? Or you haven’t even gotten that far? I wouldn’t give this much thought. As is the case with a lot of the “Dr. Reality Steve’s” I get, don’t wait around for him. If he’s interested, you’ll know he’s interested. He sent a couple emails and that’s been the extent of your “relationship” in 15 years. If there was more on his end and he wanted more, he’d make it known. Who knows? Maybe he will eventually, but right now, it certainly doesn’t seem like it’s anything more than harmless flirting with someone he has a past with.
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