Dr. Reality Steve
Hello Steve,
I’ve been reading your spoilers since Chris Soules’ season and love your podcast! I appreciate your Dr Reality Steve advice and i’m hoping you can help me!
I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years now. I am happy but at the same time there are things that have caused many problems in our relationship that mainly are because of his family. His mother and step father are incredibly rude to me, including other people in his family. I need advice as to how I should approach letting his family know how awful they make me feel. A problem: They speak English poorly and communication is difficult. There is also a cultural barrier that is difficult for me to get accustomed to. My nationality is American and my ethnicity is Hispanic. His family, however, have lived in France with other European mixed ethnicity.
At the beginning, everything was fine. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 5 months prior to meeting his family. I had just moved in with him. He had not seen his mother for 12 years, as he had been to the U.S for college and work. She was coming to visit and stayed for 3 months with us before going back to France. His mother was so nice to me, would even caress my cheek and hug me and say i’m so happy. Everything changed quickly, actually, only days after meeting her.
Let me give you background story of how the animosity began:
I had just woken up. I was getting ready for my day. I saw my boyfriend’s mother and him having a heated discussion in the hallway. I just passed by them and smiled and got to the shower. I did not want to interrupt because to me, that would be rude, especially since they had not seen each other in 12 years! After coming out from the shower, I heard screaming and crying. I went to see what happened and my boyfriend said that in their culture, you are supposed to hug/kiss in the morning and before going to bed and since i did not do that, she was all up in arms about it. I didn’t know! Just for that, My boyfriend and I almost broke up! From then on, things turned for the worst.
She has said things to me that I cannot take lightly and I just can’t get along with her. She speaks English poorly, but at the same time, has been able to insult me well. She speaks English well enough for anyone to understand when she wants to and when it’s not convenient for her, she says “I no speak English.” Let me just give you some examples of things she has said to me:
-“***** why do you eat eggs for breakfast? it’s very low class. My friends and I eat bread and cheese and tea.”
-“***** why do you go to school and work for? women should stay home to cook and clean.”
-“***** you are too pretty to be from Mexico” (she and her sister told me this)
-“Oh my gosh *****! you know how to speak English, Spanish and Mexican language!? wow!”
-“Don’t bring any gifts or anything into my house! Only I choose what can be inside MY house! (while aggressively pointing at her head)
And those are just some of the things she has said. I don’t want to get into the rest of it or what the stepdad has done because I will cry for sure.
Fast forward to now, time and time again, I have discussed this with my boyfriend and all he says is: Thats just who they are. Ignore it. He says he’s not a family type of person anyway and doesn’t care that his family and I don’t get along and doesn’t mind if we, for example, never have dinner together. He also tells me that i am very important to him and doesn’t want to break up just because his family is difficult to deal with. They are known to insult him and their close friends too.
The thing is I cannot deal with them insulting me, especially because in recent years, they moved close to where we live and I see them more frequently. Every time they say something rude to me, I just leave the room and don’t say anything back. What would you do if you were in my situation? I feel this is my battle and I have to do something for them to stop treating me like this. But I am afraid that if I tell them that what they say makes me cry, they will actually insult me even more! Help!
Comment: It’s been 8 years with your boyfriend and since the first day you met his mom and that argument in the hallway, she’s insulted you. And all those insults seem to be a cultural thing and/or she doesn’t know any better. If your own boyfriend is telling you to ignore it because that’s what they are, assuming things are never changing.
With that said, is this something you really want to deal with continuing forward? That’s your decision to make, but know that it certainly doesn’t look like at all this behavior from them is going to change. Your boyfriend seems to be able to deal with it because he’s used to it and grew up around it. That’s great and all, but does that mean you have to suffer for it? I don’t see this as being the most healthy relationship right now. Why won’t he say something to his family on your behalf? I know he says they aren’t that important to him and he still cares about you, but wouldn’t he either A) just keep you away from them knowing how they make you feel or B) say something to his family about insulting you?
I think you need to just decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in. Somehow, you’ve put up with this for 8 years. If you want to continue putting up with it, that’s on you. Or say something to him to tell them they make you feel uncomfortable because this isn’t getting any better.
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Hi Steve,
I need help trying to figure out the male mind. I dated a wonderful guy 15 years ago. We broke up bc of some jealousy on his part but it was a friendly breakup. He has contacted me via email every couple of years or so just to see how I’m doing. He was definitely the love of my life and I still love him. We live about an hour apart.
Right before Christmas he emailed me to ask how I was doing and said that I was still very much in his thoughts and heart even now. I wrote back a very basic email. He wrote back and asked if I was married and if so, congratulations but if not, he knows of some wedding chapels that need our business (smiley face) I wrote back that I was still happily divorced and agreed about the chapels needing business (smiley face) He wrote back and said if this is a proposal that he accepts but will wait until I’m back in town to give me the ring (I was out of town for the holidays).
Here’s where I’m confused: throughout our conversations he has never asked for my phone number. I never responded to his last email thinking he would write for my number but it’s been over a month and I haven’t heard a word. Please tell me what in the world he is doing?
Thank you so much!
Comment: He’s making a light joke to gauge your interest. It’s cute and all, but the fact he hasn’t followed up with anything or hasn’t asked for your number is pretty much all you need to know. He’s not overly interested. Do you know his situation? Is he divorced? Or you haven’t even gotten that far? I wouldn’t give this much thought. As is the case with a lot of the “Dr. Reality Steve’s” I get, don’t wait around for him. If he’s interested, you’ll know he’s interested. He sent a couple emails and that’s been the extent of your “relationship” in 15 years. If there was more on his end and he wanted more, he’d make it known. Who knows? Maybe he will eventually, but right now, it certainly doesn’t seem like it’s anything more than harmless flirting with someone he has a past with.
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rob22
January 26, 2017 at 9:56 AM
Boyfriends French Parents: First, you will never change the parents. If they happen to warm up to you, that’s an unexpected bonus. That doesn’t mean you have to break up with your boyfriend. People don’t choose their families. We’re all stuck with who we have.
So, you need to clear up a confusion for me. On one hand you say that your boyfriend said he wasn’t a family guy and would be OK with you not having dinner with them. Then you go on to say that his parents moved closer to you and you see them more often. Something isn’t square with those two comments. I’ll touch on that later.
If you want to continue a relationship with your boyfriend and not have to deal with the parents, you need to be able to minimize contact. DON’T have them over for dinner. DON’T go over to their house. Only see them when it’s absolutely required, such as a family wedding, or similar. In those instances, be polite, but don’t stop and chat. Keep your distance and leave as early as reasonably possible. If Thanksgiving dinner can’t be avoided, come as late as possible, and have plans elsewhere for dessert or drinks. I think under those rules, you could live peacefully apart from them. By being polite always and not EVER talking poorly about them to your boyfriend, they can be largely out of your life. If your boyfriend wants to see them for optional visits, give him your blessings. Just opt out of going yourself. If this can’t be done without argument, then that’s not workable.
So….For this to work, you have to agree ahead of time that this is how it will be going forward. AND your boyfriend has to stick to the agreement 100%. Minimal contact only at non optional get togethers. And he’s free to visit on his own, if he feels it necessary. If he agrees to this & sticks to it, it’s workable. If he doesn’t, it’s not.
Back to that little discrepancy between what your boyfriend said about not being a family guy and his parents suddenly moving closer and visiting more often, that is concerning. Could your boyfriend be a guy who says one thing and does another? If so, beat him with one of your stiletto heels. I’ve heard that’s a popular way of breaking up with bad boyfriends.
rob22
January 26, 2017 at 10:24 AM
The Male Mind: ah, the dreaded topic. So, yeah, he’s trolling for interest from you. Why? Maybe he’s feeling lonely (most likely reason) and just wanted a quick ego boost. And probably thinks you were the one to give it to him…. and you delivered. Thank you ma’am! Was it good for you too?
It is also possible that he is (very slightly)interested but feels there are impediments to any further relationship with you. Those could include things such as him having a girlfriend or fiance that he doesn’t want to piss off. This is the #2 most likely answer from our studio audience for those of you playing Family Feud.
Oh, and did you say he’s the jealous type?! That’s not a harbinger for positive things to come. It’s more like a gateway to abusive behavior. Maybe starting out with vague emails. Oh, snap! This little jealousy nugget doesn’t make him sound at all like Prince Charming. Let’s just put it that way.
Anyway, it’s highly unlikely that he is interested more than to just see if you are still interested him. Otherwise you would have gotten some sort of invite immediately upon your little smiley face response. He knew that meant you were interested and there was a HUGE glaring Green Light to invite you out. And…. he didn’t take the green light. He put up a big Red Stop Sign instead. Going forward… well…. drunk texts or vague emails every few months doesn’t qualify as interest. Please don’t spend more emotional energy thinking about this. At young ages we feel like we have all kinds of time. But years can get behind us very quickly if we waste time thinking obsessively about vague emails from ex-boyfriends. If he keep doing this, I suggest you not respond at all. Of course, you could beat him with a stiletto heel, but in this case, I don’t think this is entirely necessary. Not responding to him further should serve the same purpose. You have my go ahead to crush his soul with a non response next time he looks to you for some sort of weirdly motivated ego gratification.
katieottawa
January 27, 2017 at 2:26 AM
I speak french. the next time the parents are rude to you just yell loudly Ca Suffit La!!J’en ai completement marre de me faire insulter! 8 years its about freaking time you speak up and say it loudly and forcefully so that they get the message clearly and that you aint joking. Maybe the reason they keep doing it is because you dont say anything back or call them out on it. Who cares what they say at that point? seriously if you speak up to them and it doesnt do anything..i would just cut my losses
personally the next time it would happen or got fed up i would just tell the parents where to go so i could get some dignity back and then tell your bf to call you when his parents are dead and leave.
i am french and i think your bf is not being honest with you as far as what the true reason his parents have issues with you. ive never heard of someone harboring 8 years of resentment because the first time they met they didnt kiss them goodnight or get into a heated argument over it. ridiculous. its not a big deal and they would have gotten over it. its something else and if i were to guess its your ethnicity they have an issue with especially from the remarks about the language and culture barrier.
Also your bf is a bit of a jerk for not standing up for you and speaking up when they make comments and he sees you hurt by it.
other problem. pretty simple. he was bored/drunk/lonely and was just fishing through his list of exes and you replied and reacted positive to his flirting. he got his ego stroked and it reaffirmed you were still a possible option for him if he ever needed his ego stroked again in the future. thats it a guy who emails you once every 2 years is not one you should give another thought about and probably should just ignore in the future
LynnS
January 27, 2017 at 12:54 PM
I completely agree with you, Katie. This woman needs to show some backbone with his parents and with him! Eight years and they’re still boyfriend/girlfriend?
I was in a short-lived relationship way back where his mother and brothers didn’t like me and treated me quite badly. Each time they did, I’d look lover at my bf and he’d be pretending to be reading or watching tv so, of course, he couldn’t say anything since he didn’t hear it! I just cannot stand weak men who let their family/friends mistreat their woman. I know it works both ways, but in all my years of observing this, it’s usually the men who won’t say anything.
So actually, I think her biggest problem is with her boyfriend. He needs to man up!