Podcast #14 with Special Guest JJ Lane Along with “Dr. Reality Steve” Emails

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Hi Dr. Reality Steve,

My issue is more of an observation that you can comment on. I am a 26 year old single woman and tend to keep all my friends close. I have two main group of friends- one group we’ve all been friends since elementary school, and the other group I’ve known since university. Of the elementary school group, most of them are single or in short term relationships, while the university group have been long-term in relationships (5-7 years).

Lately I’ve noticed that the university group almost seems jealous whenever I talk about a guy I am dating, or let them know whats been happening between myself and I guy I met when I was out with them. For example, we all went on vacation together and met a group of guys we partied with that weekend. At the time my friends were all introducing me and telling me to go for certain guys in the group etc, because I am the single one. But afterwards, if i tell them something like “the guy from that trip messaged me yesterday” or anything like that, they just act disinterested or talk about something else. And its not like I’m “bragging” about all these guys or something, I just thought they might be interested because they actually met these guys or told me to go for it.
On the other hand, the single group or short-term relationship people are always interested or supportive. Which normally, I would think should be the opposite, because maybe they might be the ones to be jealous because they are still single while I “met someone”. But they are always supportive and interested in getting to know the guy.

Overall, this isn’t anything major, I’m friends with all of them and we’re all close. I’m just really close with the university group in other ways (they’ve been there for family issues, helped me with major career choices, etc) I just find it odd I can’t talk to them about relationship things, and I wish I could.

Any insight on this?

Thanks!!

Comment: Kinda weird. I really have no idea why they’d act like that. If they’re your friend, they’re your friend and should be interested in who you date. Like you said, if anything, THEY should be the supportive ones since it’s like they want you to “join” them, i.e. be in a relationship. Hell, maybe they live vicariously through you since they’re not single and you are. Not sure. You’re right though, this isn’t really a major issue per se, but if it continues, I’d definitely bring it up to them and ask why they don’t seem to care who you’re dating. Do you value their opinion over your elementary school friends? Or is it just a case as to you’re confused as to why they don’t care if they’re truly your friends? Either way, if it persists, I’d just flat out ask one/all of them what the deal is.
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Dear Dr. Reality Steve,

First of all I just want to thank you for continuing to provide reliable spoilers for The Bachelor Franchise year after year. I’ve been reading your site since Brad’s second season. I started out as a more casual reader who just read the main episode by episode spoiler column and a few random other posts here and there. Now I read all of your posts and listen to your podcasts as well. I really love your site. Thanks for entertaining me and all of your other readers week after week.

I have a Dr. Reality Steve question but….. it doesn’t have anything to do with relationships. I’m happily married so I don’t need help with that. I really respect you and the writing career you’ve built for yourself so I have a career and life question for you. I hope that’s ok. If not I understand if you choose not to include this. Ok here goes…..

I met my husband when we were both in college. Creative writing is my passion but I was worried attempting to start a career as a fiction writer would not be a reliable way to pay the bills so I went into the Education program and intended to become a high school English teacher. It was all going well for me. I had good marks and was on track to finish my degree. My (now) husband and I started dating and got engaged. He ended up leaving college because it was a huge financial strain on us to pay for both of our tuitions and try to keep a roof over our heads. We both decided that I would stay in school because I had the better grades of the two of us and my husband went back to work for the security firm that he was employed with before he decided to go back to college as a mature student.

Unfortunately, I developed a serious health problem during my second last year of college. I was able to push through that year and finish with good grades but I knew I had to take some time off to focus on my health. I did that and now my health is in the best place it has been in a long time. I am able to work full time now. The problem is I only intended to take a year or two off from college. It’s now been almost four years since I left. I love my job. I work in a jewelry store in a lower management positon with a great group of people and have been slowly paying off my student loans. I get paid well for retail and would be doing great financially if it weren’t for the burden of my student loans. When I took them on I was expecting to make a higher salary that would mitigate the cost of the monthly payments. I didn’t anticipate the health problems I would have to deal with. As it stands me and my husband are not living paycheck to paycheck but we are not putting away as much as we would like to. We don’t own our own home and don’t have any money to travel. We just have enough to pay for all our necessities, save a little for emergencies and treat ourselves to small things every now and again. I could be happy with this but I’m not because I know things would be different if I had finished college and hadn’t developed health problems. I know that’s irrational because it was out of my control but those feelings still well up sometimes and I feel like a failure.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads as to what to do with the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I should just try and go back to college. My credits are still valid and I could possibly finish up my final year through correspondence, although it would be tricky to finish the education program because it requires a full time teaching practicum where I live. I would have to find a way to take off time from work and pay for the practicum course. I just don’t know if that’s a great choice financially. I spoke with a career counselor from the college where I live and she said that I could finish a degree in English in about two years which would open up doors for me to have a career in the publishing industry which is growing where I live. That is honestly my dream… to work in publishing either distributing my own work or helping others distribute theirs. The only thing is it would be a huge financial sacrifice to go back to college at this point. I would either have to quit work, take out another student loan and go back full time, or severely tighten my budget and try and carve out time to try and take courses through correspondence while working full time. I also have a creative writing project I am working on. I really go back and forth on whether I should go back to college and take on the financial strain of paying for tuition or just finish my writing project, try and get it published and hope I can have a writing career without a degree. That second option sounds a little fanciful to me when I state it like that though.

I’m sorry that was so long winded! I just wanted to frame my dilemma for you in a detailed way. So what should I do, Steve? Should I take on the financial burden of going back to college because it would be a great credential to put on my resume? Or should I just throw myself into my creative writing project and hope that will open doors? My high school English teachers did all encourage me to pursue a creative writing career, if that means anything. I feel like college seems like a clear path to professional success, but that it all depends on the debt you incur and how your salary balances it out.

Thanks for taking the time to read this! Again, I understand if you decide to not include this question as it doesn’t have anything to do with a relationship problem. Keep up the good work spoiling! I look forward to your future posts.

Sincerely,
Career Confused in Canada

Comment: A three word alliteration. You’re well on your way to a writing career. Don’t worry about it not being a relationship question.

One thing you didn’t mention was what your husband thinks in all this. Regardless of my opinion, in an effort to not cause strain in this marriage, it’d be interesting to know where he stands on it. You’ve already admitted that going back to school is going to be a pretty big financial burden. I don’t want to say “school doesn’t matter” to people, but lets face it, there are people out there who’ve been successful without a college degree. Not to mention you went to 3 of your 4 years of college. It’s not like you dropped out of school in 8th grade. If you have something you want published, and that’s what your passionate about, and you get it in front of a publisher and they like it, I highly doubt you not finishing the last year of college would prevent anything from moving ahead. This coming from someone who’s never tried or had anything published, but if it’s good, it’s good. A lack of degree isn’t gonna hold you back I wouldn’t think.

I would definitely get your husbands take on this. If getting that degree is something you really feel you need, and you think you guys can get through some lean times financially while you do it and budget accordingly, then I say go ahead. However, I still think you can do your writing project and try to get it published regardless.
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Hey Dr. Steve,

I’m hoping you could help me out with this problem I have with someone, I’m not sure if I should just drop them as a friend or just try to repair the friendship. This is going to be kind of long, so you may want to grab a drink or something.

Back in November of 2016, I was let go from my job over something that wasn’t even my fault. Anyway, I was really upset and just hurt by it since I was blindsided by it, and wasn’t even given a chance to defend myself since when I tried they didn’t want to hear it. Anyway, my friend then calls me because another friend of ours told her, which I didn’t really like, but I just let it go. Anyway, she was really supportive at first, but I was still really upset about it because I had NO idea they were letting me go. I had only been at the job for less than three months and would ask my supervisor about my work and how I was really concerned about one part of my job I wasn’t doing right in, and she said not to worry about it. Anyway, I was let go of the very thing my supervisor told me not to be worried about.

Anyway, my friend tends to have this tendency to help me, but it just makes me feel that my problems don’t matter compared to what she went through. She tells me that how she lost her son in Afghanistan, her husband left her and he took the house and all the money with him and she lived in her car for a while. Anyway, I tried to politely explain to her that whenever I tell her about a problem I’m going through, she always has to talk about how hard she had it and what she has been through. I understand that losing a child is horrible, and I understand that being homeless is also horrible. However, she then gets mad at me and me that she doesn’t like that I’m thinking that I feel that she thinks that her problems are the only ones that matter. I mean if someone said that I was making them feel their problems didn’t matter compared to mine, then I wouldn’t get mad at them. I would simply say I’m sorry I made you feel that way.

Also, this isn’t the first time she has gotten mad at me. Her daughter was having a baby and on the shower day, I couldn’t attend because I had a class I was attending to help me with my finances. I told her I couldn’t go, and she gets mad at me and says, “you aren’t even going to go to that class”. Seriously WTF? I’ve been going to it every Sunday since it started. I mean how dare she even say that?

Also, she got real pissed at me once because I didn’t ask how she was, her daughter was, her dog was, etc. She always ask stuff that is not any of her business also. She asked me how much I make, my car payment, and how much debt I have. And she doesn’t ask in a way that is more polite, she will just flat out and ask, “how much debt do you have” when I told her I can’t afford something. A more polite way would have been, “if you don’t mind me asking, how much debt do you have?”

I feel like I should say that I am 33 years old and she is in her 50’s. I’m not too sure of our age gap have something to do with it.

What do you think? Should I just try to be the type of friend she needs? I feel like she needs a friend who is going to ask how her day is everyday and sometimes I’m kind of busy and don’t have the time to do that. I have to say I never had a friend who always was getting mad at me. I should also add that when she sent me a text asking for my address to send the baby shower invite, she also asked for my last name. How the hell do you not know my last name? I mean if I didn’t know someone’s last name and I called them a friend, I would ask them how they spell their last name so I don’t look like a jerk.

Any input you have would be great!! Thanks!!

Comment: I would let her know what she needs to know and leave it at that. Doesn’t sound like she cares about much other than herself. And people who constantly make YOUR stories about THEM are incredibly annoying and people I personally try to avoid. It doesn’t really sound like she’s much of a friend to begin with since you only relayed all the times she pissed you off. What good has she done in your life for you. I’m sure some is there, but maybe the bad outweighs the good? I don’t know. But it’s certainly possible her age has something to do with it just because she’s in a different phase of her life than you are.

This is someone who seems to want to control you at times, and who wants that in their life? She blatantly is rude to you for no reason, she’s nosy, and makes everything about her. Personally, I would distance myself from someone like that. If she can’t even help you with your problems and then in turn gets mad at you for what’s happened in her past? Yeah, just know what you’re dealing with here and just don’t divulge much to her, if anything at all. Seems like she’s more of a headache than you really need.
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This final email is an update on “Amanda from Chicago,” whose phone call was part of Episode 9 of the podcast. She was the girl whose fiancé cancelled their wedding and broke up with her basically at the drop of a hat recently. An emailer last week asked if I’d gotten an update from her, so I decided to reach out to Amanda to find out what the latest is. Here’s her response:

Hey Steve!

Thanks for checking in! I’ll try and keep this as short as possible.

Ironically, the day after you and I talked for the podcast, I received a text from my ex saying that he was ready to talk about what happened. I shut that request down pretty quickly because I wasn’t ready to talk and had been making a lot of progress with just focusing on me (essentially doing the ‘no contact rule’). Fast forward to 2 weeks ago (so about 2 months total after this all happened), I got this long and sort of cryptic text from him essentially giving me the impression that he missed me. I was headed downtown that evening anyways to meet with a potential new roommate, so I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone (driving downtown is a b****) and meet up with him after meeting my new roommate.

We ended up talking for hours, literally all night. He admitted that it wasn’t that he wasn’t in love with me, it was that he needed to work on some internal turmoil (problems with work, his family, school, etc.) and didn’t think it was fair to keep moving forward with me when he couldn’t figure out how to handle his own shit. Basically, he felt like he was dragging me down with his personal problems and that it wasn’t fair to me and I could get somebody better than him who would be more emotionally present without this mental turmoil. He also said that he knew telling me he wasn’t in love with me was the only way he would get me to stop trying to help him, because I have the personality where I’ll always help somebody and be there for them and he wanted to push me away so I wouldn’t keep putting myself through the ups and downs as well.

I think I kind of knew all along that it wasn’t that he truly wasn’t in love with me, I’m not sure I ever truly believed that narrative and that’s why I struggled with trying to connect how I missed that he had fallen out of love with me. I don’t agree with what he did and I think it was pretty freaking horrible, but I do see that he’s making strides to move forward. I spent last weekend at his place just hanging out and spending time together (no physical interaction) and it was refreshing to see him really try and show me he was trying to better himself. I told him our bridge wasn’t burned down, but that it was definitely closed for now until I can truly believe that he’s in this again for the long haul. In the meantime, I am happy that he’s truly trying: he’s seeing a therapist weekly to work on that inner turmoil and he’s really trying to show me how much he values me. On Monday, I had the day off and he didn’t, but he still took me out to lunch even though he was working hard on a case and has never been able to make time for lunch for me on a work day before (especially during a case). Yesterday, we got locked out of his apartment for a solid two hours and we made the best time out of a bad situation, neither one of us got frustrated or upset, we truly just valued the time we had together.

So I guess in summary, we aren’t together, but I’m happy that we are talking and are honestly even better than we were before. I’ve definitely taken the time to work on myself and it’s just improved our relationship and how we communicate, etc. I’m not sure if we will ever be back together: he’s told me he wants it to be me he marries in the end and I truly hope it’s him, but he’s got a lot of work to do to solidify that to me. The thing that is hard right now is that we haven’t told anybody that we’ve reconnected, because it’s still fresh for a lot of my family and we want to keep as many opinions out of it as possible. He’s brought up the wedding scenario (bringing me as his +1 to his best friend’s wedding), but I haven’t made a decision on that. Right now I’m thinking I won’t go because it would be hard fielding questions without our friends understanding that we’ve gotten to a good place despite the fact that we aren’t dating.

Our lives are running parallel right now, and he understands I’m not going to turn down meeting somebody else until he can actually commit again. Right now, it seems like only time will tell what will happen!

Sorry for the novel, hope it all makes some kind of sense!

Comment: That’s great to hear. I think you’re handling this perfectly by not jumping back into things with him after what he did. Good line about “Hey, the bridge isn’t burned, but it’s definitely closed down.” Make sure those bridge renovations are completely fixed before opening it back up. You’re doing the right thing. He can say all he wants, but at this point because of what he did, his actions will speak louder. So far so good, but make sure he keeps it up. I wouldn’t go to the wedding with him either. It’s gonna be a lot of questions for you guys to answer to that you probably don’t want. Not worth it. Good luck.
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Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you next week.