In terms of the limo entrances, with 31 guys, obviously I’m not going to cover every one of them, but here was the order that is shown on TV: Peter, Josiah, Bryan, Kenny, Rob, Iggy, Bryce, Willie, Kenneth, Kyle, Blake K., Brady, Dean, Eric, DeMario, Blake E., Fred, Jonathan, Lee, Alex, Milton, Adam, Matt, Grant, Anthony, Jamey, Jack, Mo, Jedidiah, Michael, and finally Whaboom Lucas.
The guys who made an impression on me or did some sort of gimmick were:
Peter: Mentions he’s from Wisconsin but knows she hasn’t had luck with Wisconsin guys lately. Her reaction when he walks away: “He’s cute. Off to a good start.”
Josiah: He says he’s convinced “beyond a reasonable doubt” he’s the man for her. Then ends with a, “See ya later, litigator.” Corny, but not bad.
Bryan: Asks if she’s ever dated a Colombian guy before. Says he can be a little trouble, but in a good way. Rachel: “I like trouble.” She also likes his tongue later.
Willie: Comes out of the limo in an Urkel outfit and slips on purpose. Goes back in the limo and changes and due to the magic of editing, comes out in suit 2 seconds later.
Brady: Has a sledgehammer and block of ice and slams the sledgehammer down on it to “break the ice.” Yeah, we get it.
Dean: The guy who said “I’m ready to go black and I’m never gonna go back” during the ATFR when he first met her is nervous because he doesn’t know if he crossed the line or if she didn’t like it. She says she loved that line.
DeMario: Says when he was the first one to meet her at the ATFR, he felt that put him as the #1 seed. He keeps harping on that all night long about how he considers himself the favorite, obviously being set up by producers knowing they were gonna bring his girlfriend on.
Eric: Continues his dancing from when they danced at the ATFR.
Blake E.: Comes in with a marching band because he felt meeting her on the ATFR he was a little dull.
Fred: He was a 3rd grader when she was in 8th grade at the same school, and he remembers her being his camp counselor. Shows her their yearbook pics. Hasn’t seen or talked to her in 15 years but has always had a crush on her. Rachel remembers him as the kid always getting in trouble. Yeah, that’s gonna be a problem.
Jonathan: Said he knows she wants a guy who’ll make her laugh. Tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands. Then he tickles her side and I’m all sorts of creeped out by him.
Alex: Comes out of the limo dancing with a vaccum like Rachel was in her intro video last season.
Adam: Brings a mannequin with him named Alex Jr. (AJ). It’s kinda creepy and it’s his shtick for the night.
Matt: Comes out in a penguin suit because I guess the producers have him by the balls.
Lucas: Whaboom this, Whaboom that. Oh, did I mention Lucas has a mini megaphone with him all night that he talks into? The whole thing is actually pretty comical. Not to mention Lucas is clearly three sheets to the wind from the minute he steps out of the limo for the rest of the night.
-Once the cocktail party starts, Josiah is the first one to pull Rachel away and tells her his backstory that we saw in his intro video. Brother died, became a troubled kid, arrested, and now 14 years later working the same office that gave him a second chance. She’s impressed by it.
-Dean is the next one to get alone time with her and says he loves the beach. So he has a sandbox and toys in the backyard to build sandcastles with – even though he’s never built one. 1000000% Dean is going to be on Paradise this summer. He’s already workin’ it.
-They show quick shots of her getting alone time with Anthony, Rob, Eric, and Matt. But then AJ comes into the picture. You know, Adam’s doll/mannequin/creepy thing. AJ is even giving ITM interviews in some voice that a producer probably did. AJ is strategically placed in the background when Rachel is talking to other guys. Rachel then goes and sits down next to AJ who’s perched up on a sofa all by himself. Thankfully, Adam comes in, Rachel says she’s kinda creeped out by AJ, and he’s not seen the rest of the night.
-Fred gets alone time and admits he’s always found her attractive, Rachel knew who he was the second he stepped out of the limo, but then she says in an ITM she can’t get past the fact he was the 3rd grader she had to once discipline.
-Bryan is next and this guy is as smooth as a baby’s butt. And he knows it. He speaks Spanish to her again, tells her he’s a 37 year old chiropractor physician, so he’s good with his hands. Then he just makes out with her and Rachel eats it up. She talks about how he’s “good trouble.” Uh huh. Bow chicka bow bow.
-Chris Harrison delivers the first impression rose and the talk starts to surround that. You know, like it does EVERY first episode. It’s hilarious that producers haven’t come up with a better time killing segment in episode 1 every season than to have everyone start freaking out and talking about the first impression rose and what it entails. Literally the contestants say the same thing about it every season.
-DeMario gets his alone time and first asks, “Backstreet Boys or NSync?” Rachel is down with NSync. No wonder she was on the BSB group date last season. Again, DeMario reiterates he feels he’s the #1 seed in the house, setting him up for his giant fail.
-Then, the interrupting begins. You know, another first episode staple. So many guys, all wanting to vy for time, so they all keep stepping in an interrupting other guys. Well, the non-important ones that is. The funniest scene in all this is Josiah coaching a completely hammered Mo, who can barely stand at this point, to go over to talk to Rachel. Giving him a pep talk, patting him on the ass to go talk to her, then someone else steps in and Mo turns back around. Then he takes Josiah’s drink out of his and starts drinking as Josiah gives a classic, “Oh that’s my drink. But whatever. You can have it” knowing clearly Mo is bombed out of his mind.
-Lucas is now Whaboom’ing in the house. He revs it up to level 20 for the guys, he walks around with his mini megaphone, he sings on a guitar a song about Whaboom. It’s Whaboom all day every day. Again, you’ve been warned. He is is who every late night talk show will be talking about on Tuesday night, he is who all your co-workers will be joking about Tuesday morning, and he is the guy that has had me Whaboom’ing in my house randomly 2 days straight for no reason whatsoever other than it’s stuck in my head.
-Peter is up next, but 20 feet away, Lucas is giving play-by-play of Rachel and Peter together talking on the sofa. Again, it’s just comical at this point what a character Lucas is playing. Peter does give Rachel some chocolate since I guess Wisconsin is known for that? But Rachel doesn’t like chocolate. Strike one. Then a shooting star happens that Peter notices and all the hopeless romantics out there get all teary eyed or whatever.
-Then one of the all time great first night conversations in history happens as Blake E. is sick of Whaboom and calls him out on it. It’s not a screaming match. Neither raises their voice. But Blake is completely sober and Lucas is hammered. Lucas also has a sport coat with a T-shirt on all night that has “Whaboom” on it, which is all the ammo Blake needs. It’s always fun to watch a sober person own a drunk person in conversation, and that’s what this is. Funniest night one moment I honestly can remember, yet it’s not over the top. Completely subtle, but hilarious.
-One thing to remember about Blake E. and Lucas – they were both former cast members on the WE TV show “Ex-Isle,” but weren’t on the same season. My guess is these two knew each other or knew OF each other once they got in the house. No way they couldn’t have. This was Lucas on it, and this was Blake on it. UPDATE: I was informed today that there was only 1 season of “Ex Isle,” so yes, both Blake and Lucas were on it and clearly knew each other. They never reference it night one, but Blake does say in an ITM during his square off with Lucas, “I believe from what I know that he’s here just to be on TV.” So there’s that.
-Before you get inundated with Whaboom on Monday night, let me just reiterate that Lucas just doesn’t annoyingly say “Whaboom” over 15 times this episode. He does it in a screaming, convulsing manner on more than 3 or 4 of those occasions. Just…you’ll see. It’s nuts. He’s nuts. And yet, I laugh my ass off at it and find myself doing it for no reason. Not as violent as he does, but yeah. I may or may not have sent a friend a voice memo of me doing it while watching TV.
-Rachel gives the first impression rose to Bryan, and they make out again. Hard. Serious tongue wrestling.
-The first episode that I watch every season released to the media doesn’t include the rose ceremony, because they don’t want media leaking “spoilers” to people. Whatever. It’s my job, people. But just know that 8 guys are eliminated this rose ceremony are: Blake Killpack, Grant Hubsher, Jamey Kocan, Jedidiah Ballard, Kyle Sherwood, Milton (only guy whose last name I don’t have), Mo Sehgal, and Rob Howard.
-Overall, I honestly thought it was the funniest first episode I’ve seen. Sure there are corny lines and a lot of the same storylines we usually see, but something about this cast made it more humorous. There are just some really good one liners (mostly by Josiah, who I think the audience will love) and it seemed more light and fun. I think Kenny will also be a fan favorite early on. Peter came across well too and I’m sure everyone will dissect their time together. Bryan knows he’s a front runner, the audience knows it almost right away, and I think that will rub some people the wrong way. He literally doesn’t do anything wrong this episode, is the only guy to make out with Rachel (twice), yet I already know people will just automatically think that HE thinks he’s too cool for everyone. And probably the best part about this episode? The fact that we have a black “Bachelorette” never crossed my mind.
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