-We’re in Oslo, Norway now for our first international travel for the season. You know what that means? ABC likes to give us the 3rd grade map of a plane traveling overseas to their next location. Who ever thought this was a good idea? Do they not think we know where Norway is? Are they trying to be an educational show now? Maybe now each episode can be sponsored by a letter and a number? And Oscar the Grouch can be the new host. Rachel is excited for this week’s dates because she says “when you travel with someone, you really get to know someone.” Amen. Ain’t it the truth. You mean you get to see how long it takes them to pack for a weekend trip? How many useless things they bring for a 3 day weekend? I feel ya’ Rachel. Get to know these guys in their true element. Well, Bryan anyway. Not like it matters with the rest of them.
-Rachel and Bryan’s 1-on-1 date is at the top of a world famous ski jump used in the Olympics, and they are going to rappel down, which should make for some amazing metaphors about how relationships are about “taking risks,” and “conquering your fears,” you know, like we’ve heard every season on the “adrenaline” date for the last 841 years. Rachel and Bryan’s is no different. These two can’t get enough of each other. Rachel’s already told him he’s too good to be true and now Bryan is saying she’s too good to be true. When is this going to end? How much longer until the two of them put one of these videos out? You know it’s coming…
I mentioned this in the “He Said, She Said” podcast, but right now Bryan and Rachel are in the “Me Too” phase of their relationship. You know right in the beginning, when two people like each other they ignore every difference they have with the other person and no matter what one says, the other one just says “Oh really? Me too!” in response. Like, the guy says, “On Sunday, I really just like to lounge around in my underwear, play video games, and eat Cheetos.” Girl: “Me too! That’s like my Sunday ritual!” So yeah, Bryan and Rachel can’t stop telling the other one how much they’re the greatest person in the world, so just wait til they actually see the faults in the other person.
-Before they start rappelling, Rachel is still giddy over Bryan. “It’s hard for me to verbalize my feelings about Bryan…I see forward…I get bored easily…Bryan doesn’t bore me.” Then more talk about too good to be true, fairy tales, etc. It’s like these two are an ad for Match.com or EHarmony. Rachel is still stuck on the fact Bryan is so perfect that it almost scares here. “He’s 37, well educated, great job…I wonder why he’s still single.” Well technically Rachel you could say the same about me and add five years. Ok, maybe not, but you get my point. It is possible to be older and be single and not have something wrong with you. I feel ya’ Bryan. Great catches like us getting pigeonholed like that really sucks. Man, the tough times we go through. It’s a burden I tell ya’. Although Bryan did go on a TV show to try and remedy his situation. I basically do nothing to try and change mine. I guess that’s where we differ. Oh, and the fact that he cracks people’s necks for a living.
-Back at the resort, Anthony and Eric are having a talk and Eric is a little bothered by the fact that Rachel has been now five 1-on-1 dates so far, and Anthony was the only black guy who’s gotten one so far. He thinks that maybe she isn’t into black guys. Well, Kevin Durant would beg to differ. Maybe for this particular season she just so happens to be into a couple white guys, but I wouldn’t read too much into it Eric, even though that’s what you do every episode. And yeah, it’s only been five 1-on-1’s so far. It’s not like they ever would’ve allowed her to take five black guys on the first five 1-on-1’s. So that wasn’t happening. 4-to-1 ratio? Eh, maybe it could’ve been 3-to-2. But I think Eric is so much into his own head this season, he’s letting every little thing affect him. Remember, KEEP MY NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!!”
-Over dinner, we dive a little further into Bryan’s past and hear his tragic backstory. It was one of homelessness, poverty, panhandling, and…oh wait, no it wasn’t. Bryan had acne as a kid and girls didn’t talk to him. I’m guessing exactly zero people feel sorry for that rough upbringing he had. Man, that NEVER happens to middle school kids. I hope you were able to fight through it all Bryan and come out on top. You’re a real trooper. You know the other thing Bryan said at dinner? That the chairs were always so far away so he pulled them closer. I’ve never really noticed it on the dinner dates since the table is always by itself. Chairs seemed normal to me. Makes me think Bryan is one of those guys that sits on the same side of the booth at dinner with his girlfriend. And people like that basically need to be beaten with a shovel. No. Just no. You’ll have plenty of time to be close to each other later. You really need to suffocate them during dinner? At a bar? That’s different. But at a booth? Just sit on the other side weirdo.
-Bryan then does something that while may be a bit over-the-top for being on his first date, doesn’t really surprise you because of how cheesy he’s been all season. He tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her, says it’s very hard for him to say that to someone, and that it’s not something that happens often. Like I said, are you really that surprised Bryan dropped that L bomb on her last night considering what we’ve seen the previous four episodes? And he was able to soften the blow a little bit by saying he’s “falling” in love with her, not that he IS is in love with her. Because that would’ve been asinine on their first date. He’s just setting her up for what’s to come later. Obviously when you throw that out there so early, if you DON’T say you love her by later on, she’ll think you’re not into her. And I’m sure Bryan knows this. He’s laid on every cheesy line so far this season, so this is working out perfectly for him. Great. Now rub your elbows down her spine.
