-We have 29 limo entrances on night one and, per usual, all of them don’t make an impression. But some do. So let’s point out a few of them:
Caroline: Looked great, told a cheesy “off the market” realtor joke that seemingly fell flat and, well…I still can’t believe she was a non-factor this season.
Kendall: She was very nervous in her entrance, but didn’t do anything over-the-top stupid. You know, like show him her taxidermy collection. Or play the ukulele. That’s later. I kinda dig Kendall’s weirdness. Did I mention she chugged a carafe of donkey semen on “Fear Factor” before? Just checking.
Seinne: Gave Second Fiddle elephant cuff links because that’s her favorite animal, and they’re known for their memory, so don’t forget to talk to her inside. As a guy, I think cuff links as a gift suck. Nobody pays attention to your cuff links, really.
Tia: She’s brought an Oscar Mayer weiner for him and says “please tell me you don’t already have a small weiner.” Raven’s Twinsie is already making dick jokes on her first meeting. She ain’t playin’ around.
Brianna: She chucked a softball at him since she used to play softball in college. I said it when I first confirmed her as one of the contestants, but another one that I’m floored didn’t last past the first night. If she wants Paradise, I would think they’d put her on in a heartbeat.
Brittane: You’re not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari but why not for Jef Holm’s sloppy seconds? So she puts a “Nice Butt” sticker on The Guy Who Can Only Be in Love with People He Meets on Television. And the spelling of Brittane’s name? Just no.
Krystal: Tells him to put his hand on his heart, reflect on what he’s grateful for, and this moment is ready for his adventure to begin. It took all of about 17 minutes for me to already be sick of Krystal.
Bekah M.: Pulls up in a classic convertible car and Arie the Man Not the Boy thinks she’s beautiful. Just wait til he finds out that Pixie pretty much just had her senior prom like a week ago.
Jessica: She gives him a gratitude rock. I even googled it and it’s actually a thing. Just a rock you carry in your pocket to remember the things you’re grateful for. Maybe Jessica should’ve kept it in her pocket and be grateful that the casting department gave her one night of extra footage to add to her demo reel.
Becca K.: Makes him get down on one knee and repeat after her, “Rebecca Jill, are you ready to do the damn thing?” Maybe if her ex would’ve said that in Peru he proposed, she would’ve said yes to him and Bachelor #22 would’ve been left at the altar by himself.
The 4 Lauren’s: They all arrived in a row and none of them did anything memorable. Hey, at least they all spell their name L-A-U-R-E-N and not Lauryn, Laurinne, Lorine, Lorin, Loorin, or $98@^*!.
Ashley: She brought a checkered flag with her for the whole racing bit. Cute. However in racing, the checkered flag is for the winner of the race. In 10 years, he’s only seen that once so he might be a tad unfamiliar with what the hell it is. In fact, he might have an aversion to it.
Amber: Spray tan artist who told him she’s “seen a lot of d**ks in her life and I hope you’re not one of them.” So 2 out of 29 went with d**k references the first night. One got to hometowns, and the other got booted the first night. I guess America’s Favorite Bridesmaid runs hot or cold on the d**k jokes.
Ali: She makes him smell her armpit only to get the line out of “Was that not the best pit stop of your life.” Just stop, please. I don’t care if you have potpourri deodorant on mixed with Febreze and scented candles, no guy wants to smell your armpit.
Annaliese: Stole her mask from Anastasia Steele and called herself the “kissing bandit” hoping to steal a kiss from him. Is there anything else equally as kinky she ripped off from Anastasia? We kinda need to know these things. Rawr.
Maquel: Showed up in the passenger seat of an Indy car, and this got the Bridesmaid’s pants all excited. Cars! Racing! Hey, that’s what I do! Sort of. Like, part-time. Not as good as my father. And not even in Indy cars anymore. But hey, it makes good television so why not let people think I still race Indy cars!