So the last episode ended with the group only nailing one new measly beam of light and Terrence J telling them their process has been nothing but trash. The episode also ended with Zak rolling his eyes at Bria’s continuing stalker tendencies, which means the two of them will surely hook up tonight because Zak is the only person on the planet who saw Fatal Attraction and walked away thinking that being flattered was the point of the movie.
Since they’ve now collectively been told they’re idiots, the group decides a house meeting is in order. Haven’t they already had house meetings? And didn’t they also just come back from a Relationship Retreat From Hell that was designed to help them revamp their picking process? What I’m saying is that yet another meeting where they all scream at one another and speak in bullsh*t platitudes is probably not going to help, not when half of these people run purely on the smelly fumes of ego.
When the meeting that decides absolutely nothing ends, Zak is left feeling blue. Nobody thinks he and Morgan are a match because they all think he’s supposed to be with Bria and maybe nothing says more about these people than the fact that they believe with all their hearts that a lunatic and a man determined to keep her at the height of her potential lunacy should walk off together into the sunset. Also struggling is Cam. He’s got reservations about Kayla all of a sudden, serious reservations. Those reservations include that she suffers from motion sickness and she believes Donald Trump is garbage, which technically means 1) If this is what Cam bases a relationship on, he’s just knocked out half the female population as his potential soul mate and 2) Cam is a f*cking moron.
Look! Someone is allowing Lauren to speak! She sits with Andrew and the two discuss how they are absolutely looking for their forever matches on a televised MTV dating show (stop laughing!) and how Andrew’s favorite thing is to do stuff that wows the girl he’s into. They appear normal – at least in the context of this hellish psychological experiment – so maybe they should get together for real. I mean, they’ll get minimal screen time because neither will threaten to slice the other person’s genitals, but they could make some sweet background action. These two will never be the focal point of the show, not when there are so many others willing to hang out in a hot tub and get dared to play a game called “Nervous.” What does this game involve, you ask? Shockingly, not a bit of it is cerebral. Instead, a girl has to trace her hand up some guy’s thigh and he has to try not to get hard in public and it’s lovely to see these idiots using their time so wisely, no? Nutsa is the first to inch her hand closer and closer to a d*ck and that d*ck belongs to Daniel and Samantha is not appreciating any of it, especially the moment Nilsa cups his balls in her hand. She explains to him later on that allowing a girl to touch his d*ck in front of her is disrespectful and that such a thing needs to be explained in such detail to a man who allegedly is an adult just makes me feel all sorts of sad.
The next day near the water, Daniel tells Tomas that Samantha expects him to do the right thing all the time – which is exhausting – and Tomas lets Daniel know that he’s developing feelings for Cali. Also crushing on Cali is Cam. The two hang out and talk about how they are looking to really figure out who they are and they’re both all about increasing their awareness and perspective. Listen, I appreciate any conversation on this show that isn’t punctuated with words like “mother*cker.” I also really love conversations that do not contain sentences like, “I’m the realest female in this house,” but my guess is these two people should talk about sh*t like awareness later and should now only chat about whether or not Cali pukes if she’s driven down a bumpy West Virginia dirt road and whether or not she believes locking children in cages is a wise idea.
Also: Nutsa has decided she likes Brett and she shows her burgeoning affection for him by chasing him in circles around a table. Never before has such a literal visual example been captured to sum up the mentality of these people and their dating practices.
As Cali and Cam get closer, Kayla is becoming more and more freaked out. Maybe she can win him back by popping a handful of Dramamine and then publicly proclaiming that what America needs is a dictator! She does neither and instead goes into the confessional to cry. Another “couple” that’s struggling is Lewis and Asia and the struggle appears to be that Lewis is not all that into Asia. Asia is hoping the two are chosen by the nonsensical Fate Button to go on the next date so they can connect and she can finally talk him into liking her. As far as people go on this show, I kind of like Lewis. He’s always smiling and he’s not particularly psychotic and, well, that’s really all I look for in my reality television participants. (I’ve learned that having low expectations is the only way to guarantee that I won’t heave my television clear through a wall.) The people actually chosen for the date are Zak, Daniel, Asia, and Bria. When Bria’s face comes up, the entire house explodes into raucous cheers because now – finally! – she and Zak can be placed in that Truth Booth and they can figure out if they are a match or just a recipe for a hideous social disaster. Lord, I hope the producers took out a sh*tload of extra insurance for this particular episode…
Also: Morgan is devastated that Zak is going on a date with Bria.
Also: Nobody cares how Morgan feels.
The night before the date takes place, Kwasi opens up to Kayla about how her smile makes him horny and how much he loves his tiny Yorkie, BJ. Kayla lets him know that she is all class, but she also loves being a pervert – someone sedate Cam quickly! – so I guess it’s possible these two are a match. As for Zak and Morgan, Zak assures her that she’s the only girl he has any feelings for, which obviously means he’ll betray her in the next four to six hours because that’s just who Zak has shown himself to be.
It’s Date Day and the four who are chosen ride some dune buggies. To nobody’s surprise, Zak’s feelings for Bria come rushing back immediately because Zak is kind of a sad little guy who needs to feel validated at all times and Bria’s insanity makes him feel like he’s special. Also, being locked in that house without internet access means he’s been unable to do some social media sleuthing that would allow him to confirm that there probably are, um, many men Bria has made feel special in this manner. So what that I called her trash? Zak is thinking. Who cares that whenever I so much as ask another girl to pass the salt, she threatens to beat the sh*t clear out of me? What is real romance without constant threats, right? They eventually climb out of the dune buggy to go get some coffee and Bria tells him that watching him with other girls hurt her feelings and she tells us that Zak makes her happy. What we’ve seen so far has been Happy Bria? F*ck. Can you imagine the carnage that Sad Bria could then cause? “Honest question,” Bria says to a compulsive liar. “How do you really feel about Morgan?” Before he can answer, Bria tells him that Morgan is trash, Zak doesn’t correct her in the slightest, and then they kiss. The music swells as their lips meet and I think that means we’re supposed to be feeling something positive that these two psychos are back together, but the only thing I’m feeling at the moment is how fortunate we are as a nation that birth control is still readily available. Tick tock though.
It’s no surprise when Bria announces with a huge grin to the entire house that she and Zak kissed on their date. “Does nobody give a sh*t that Morgan is right here listening to all this?” Samantha wonders in a manner that illustrates that she very well may be one of the only clinically sane people in the living room. And how is Zak – the guy who swore to Morgan that he was one hundred percent certain she was his match – feeling? Well, six hours with a lunatic can change a man’s mind and now he’s utterly sure he will be packing his bags and heading into the Honeymoon House tonight unless Maria and Shamoy can barricade the door first. “They clearly don’t give a sh*t about how other people feel, so maybe they are a match made in heaven,” Samantha says. “Or a match made in Hell.” Someone get this girl her own show now.