Zak and Bria head into the Truth Booth and I’m quite sure nobody is rooting for these two to be a match more than I am because that would mean they’d finally be off my TV screen. The lights run across their bodies and we learn there may be a God after all because these people are not a match and society may now finally be safe from their Foile a` Deux, that psychological ailment in which psychosis and delusion is shared by two people. Zak and Morgan are, of course, devastated. Morgan is feeling vindicated, though the idea that she’d jump right back into Zak’s arms after he emotionally abandoned her so quickly makes me physically queasy. Oh, and Bria – because she only cares about herself and it will always be that way – wants to make sure we know that if anyone so much as thinks the words “I told you so,” her response will not be pretty. Have any of her responses been pretty? In any case, after she weeps in a closet for a bit and tells Nutsa that, no, she cannot hug her, Bria storms out to scream at Kwasi for something insanely f*cking stupid because she is a total asshole. She then has the audacity to then scream, “Show your character!” when she’s a woman who has illustrated nothing so far except rampant selfishness and a proclivity for rage.
Raise your hand if you’re stunned that Morgan is still all about Zak! Yeah, both of my hands are currently resting by my sides, too. And as my hands remain down, Asia is ready to pull her hands up into some fists because it’s pissing her off that Nutsa and Morgan aren’t crying in a corner because a girl who has treated them terribly for weeks now just experienced a bit of disappointment. “Did I do anything to you?” Nutsa asks while looking terrified. “Nutsa,” Asia responds while invading every inch of her physical space, “You did a lot.” What’s “a lot” according to Asia. Well, Nutsa turned around and looked at her and that means Asia needs to scream, “F*ck you! Go get your food!” into the face of a woman who hasn’t done sh*t. I tell you: the grossness of these people is mutating like a f*cking virus by the second.
Also: After watching her preposterous display of fury – the one that occurred for no real reason – Moe decides Asia is the woman for him. Good luck with that, Moe.
Also: Who is Moe?
Since Bria – who is still staring in disbelief at the screen that says she and Zak are not a match – is out for him, Zak asks Morgan to come chat. See, Zak is unable to not have a girl clamoring for his affection for even a nanosecond. But rather than express regret for how he treated her all day, Zak instead chooses to gaslight Morgan by asking what he did wrong. Seeing the two of them talking outside, Bria is furious – yup, again – and Kwasi brings her outside so maybe they can all resolve this nonsense and get some closure. “Zak,” Kwasi posits. “If one of these females is someone you’re gonna pursue a relationship with after this, who are you gonna be with?” Honestly? Good for Kwasi for finally putting this douchebag on the spot. The two women stand there waiting for his answer, like he’s The Bachelor in a low-rent version of the show and he’s about to hand over some wilted moldy rose. It’s Morgan who turns out to be the lucky (?) girl, but let’s be real. The only reason Zak is picking her now is because he still needs to be with someone and it’s just been proven that he’s not supposed to be with Bria. This is some hedging of bets right here – that’s all it is – and Bria handles it as well as you’d expect by calling them both trash and announcing yet again that she will forever have a “one up” on Morgan in the real world. Bria is a bully fighting for a moron and I f*cking rue the day MTV decided these idiots should become their next big stars.
In more rational areas of the house, Cali admits that she likes Cam as a person, but she’s more interested in exploring a relationship with Tomas and the two of them head into the pool and finally kiss. Brett tells Nutsa that he appreciates how calm she stayed while Asia inexplicably went after her and he makes sure she knows he respects how she dealt with the absurdity. And Kwasi? He’s decided Kayla is his girl and he owes Cam nothing by way of explanation.
Also: Zak and Morgan head into The Boom Boom Room and I officially have no more words to describe the desperation these two throw out into the world with such delight. I will only say that I feel residual embarrassment just watching them.
It’s Ceremony Time! This week the men get to choose their matches and their choices go like this:
• Tevin picks Kenya.
• Tomas selects Cali. They’re pretty cute together.
• Lewis chooses Lauren and I am officially confused.
• Moe picks Asia. During this romantic moment, Asia turns around and screams at Nutsa. Excellent picking, Moe.
• Brett chooses Nutsa.
• Zak picks Morgan and Bria reiterates that she is not at all jealous. Nobody blessed with either one working brain cell or the power of sight can possibly believe her.
• Cam chooses Kayla, but he also announces he has eyes for Cali. Morgan is not pleased.
• Kwasi explains Kayla is his number one and Cam is left stunned, but since Kayla has already been chosen, Kwasi chooses Jasmine.
• Andrew gets stuck picking Bria because she’s the only one left.
So how did they do? This week the group manages to get a total of four beams and they leave the Ceremony feeling victorious. Cali is certain now that she and Tomas are a match and, for some reason, the entire house begins chanting that she and Tomas should immediately go to The Boom Boom Room. I don’t know – I think f*cking because it’s been demanded by a house consensus is sort of icky, but that part is not nearly as uncomfortable to watch as is the moment Tomas realizes he is unable to get hard. He swears such a thing has never happened before in his entire life, but it’s happening right now and it has all been recorded forever on night vision cameras.
As for Cam, he is floored that Kayla and Kwasi are connecting and now he’s regretting cutting her off simply because she sometimes suffers from motion sickness. He takes her aside to tell her he’s confused by her closeness with Kwasi and she responds by saying she was confused when he said he has feelings for Cali. Oh, Cam swears, that Cali thing is over! She and Tomas went into The Boom Boom Room! They are still in there! (Give Cam a break, okay? He doesn’t know they’re in there saying positive affirmations to Tomas’ flaccid penis.) What Cam swears he’s really concerned about are Kwasi’s intentions, but overhearing what Cam is saying is causing the emergence of what Kwasi himself calls The Kwasi Beast, which is apparently an alter ego that announces publicly the intention to bring some virginal-seeming girl into The Boom Boom Room. Cam rushes inside to defend Kayla’s honor and The Beast rushes at him and all of a sudden it’s looking like a girl’s socially moderate tendencies may be the last thing Cam will ever have to worry about.
