Reality Steve

Are You the One?

“Are You the One?” – Nell Kalter’s Episode 13 Recap

Since my mommy and my daddy committed a long time ago to the act of effective parenting, I was raised to be a decent human being. As such, I was able to muster up a bit of empathy for Kwasi when he lost whatever was left of his sanity. I mean, the man crumbled into the lap of a producer while wailing, “I came here for love!” Who amongst us hasn’t had a moment where real love seemed unattainable? Unfortunately, my empathy sort of shriveled up and died rather quickly because though I do happen to be a decent human being, I am also a smart human being and – though it saddens me to say this – intelligence and pragmatism kicks decency’s ass pretty much every time. And so as a smart person, I find myself feeling exactly nothing for Kwasi as he experiences a televised breakdown because what kind of faulty planning must be involved for you to decide that your greatest chance of finding forever love will occur if you enter a house loaded with booze, exhibitionists, exhibitionists drinking booze, something called The Boom Boom Room, and fifty-three cameras? And what insane lies did you need to tell yourself so you could become convinced that a show that’s been on for seven seasons and has ended with most of the couples breaking up both publicly and rather spectacularly would be your emotional safety net? As I cannot even force the decent side of my brain to attempt such a leap in logic, the only thing I feel for Kwasi right now is the hope that there’s some Xanax on the premises.

This episode begins in the aftermath of Kwasi’s hysteria because if there’s one thing guaranteed to air on this show, it is any example of declining lucidity. (I imagine an incident such as this also helps to explain why we never see much of someone like Lauren. If the girl is not throwing fits – or throwing punches or throwing coconuts or throwing away her morals – she’s not going to be featured very often.) Anyway, it’s the next morning, Kwasi is asleep (not in the producer’s lap), and Jasmine has decided that maybe calories will give her the love she’s yet to find in that house. She has no idea what to think or what to feel after Kwasi’s outburst. More than that, which guy should she even talk to at this point? Who in the house is right for her? In my opinion, that potato chip or whatever it is she’s crunching on is her very best bet for devotion – and at least the chip won’t slam its fist through a wall due to a moment of minor frustration. As for Kwasi, he wakes up and begins ranting and raving about Jasmine’s stunning lack of loyalty and the way his heart is now padlocked shut forever because a girl he showed attention to for two whole days chose to explore her options.

The person who should actually be exploring her options is the one Brett patronizingly calls “Fun Little Nutsa.” He’s aware, of course, that she is solicitous and concerned about his needs, whether those needs involve having his d*ck sucked or preparing him a nice big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. And Brett appreciates how sweet she is! It’s not like he’s a monster or anything, but while he is aware that there’s a ton he does not know, one thing he knows with absolute certainty is that he doesn’t actually give the smallest sh*t about Fun Little Nutsa and if she fell headfirst into a smoldering volcano, he probably wouldn’t be able to muster up a single tear until it dawned on him that now he will have to prepare his own breakfast. He realizes that at some point he will probably have to tell her how very uninvested he is in their future, but f*ck – that kind of conversation takes energy and who wants to waste energy on someone you don’t care about?

With only two Ceremonies left, a lot of scrambling is taking place. This group hasn’t cracked higher than four beams. Andrew decides it’s time to get to know some other girls. He pulls Cali aside since the two have never really spoken until now and that point is proven when he starts the conversation by asking her where she’s from. Once all scintillating matters of geography are discussed, Cali asks him what he told the matchmaker he was looking for and she realizes that here’s a guy searching for a woman who is “close to family” and “my best friend” and “someone who is not a slimy piece of human sewage.” Andrew’s generic wishes match her needs! Maybe these two are a match because they are both searching for people who appreciate family! Yes, theirs is a stunning and very rare connection, one that reminds me of that line from Best in Show where the very young woman is married to the very rich old man and she swears they have so much in common since they both enjoy soup. After their very first conversation, Andrew is smitten and he grins like a schoolboy who just swallowed The Joker when he tells her they’ve been talking for a whole hour and her response is to say that the time went by so quickly. You know how time goes by so quickly when you’re talking to YOUR BEST FRIEND, right? Man, isn’t love borne from sheer convenience awesome?

Now that Brett has begun to mentally orchestrate his Ditch Nutsa plan, he realizes he must locate a new potential match to fill that void. Over spoonfuls of ice cream, he and Bria wonder if maybe they were chosen by matchmakers to be together. Now listen: I believe completely that Bria’s soulmate has already been identified and that there’s not a single thing Brett can do to f*ck up the bond she shares with the antichrist, but that doesn’t mean Brett’s not going to try. The way he attempts to prove his devotion to all things LOVE is to declare that the next person he’s with will be the very last person he will ever be with. Sure, this guy has not even cracked the age of twenty-seven, but he knows his own needs and Need #1 is finding a forever-mate to torture. Bria nods affirmatively to this inane announcement, which means these two people at least share the quality of intense stupidity.

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