My sweet readers, several zillion ultra-important questions have been swirling round and round inside of my head since Are You the One? aired a new episode. It’s sort of been hard to sleep, what with my grave fears about what could happen (nothing) should Nutsa and Brett turn out not to be an MTV-approved soulmate match. And that concern isn’t even slightly comparable to the wave of stomach-clenching terror I sometimes feel (it’s probably just cramps) when it dawns on me that this right here will be the very last time these people can try to pair up correctly. But the most ominous question weighing heavy inside of me (along with that fistful of Twix I consumed on Halloween night…and then the next night…and then the night after that) is the question about these contestants and their futures. Let’s just face it – the vast majority came on this show not to find temporary love, but to snag themselves very non-temporary careers as H-list reality stars on every show this network produces until the end of f*cking time. I’m pretty sure what’s really been keeping me up nights is how very certain I feel that the very worst of these people are not going anywhere.
Perhaps the Reunion airing next week will shed some light on the journey towards infamy this cast will stumble and brawl their way into, but the pressing matter at the start of this particular episode involves Nutsa, Brett, and a Truth Booth. If you recall, Brett finally decided that a girl he’s been rather meh about this entire time is surely The One and Nutsa is okay that it took him this long to come to such a conclusion because she’s stuck on an island and she has limited options. With the house holding its collective breath, Nutsa and Brett step into that room, the lights pass over their bodies, and it’s confirmed that they’re actually a match. There are cheers. People dance around joyfully in circles. Jasmine cries heaving hysterical tears because Perpetual Side Pieces tend to be very emotional. Then bottles of champagne are popped while Brett and Nutsa kiss and there is a part of me that feels really badly that not one single part of me believes these two will last.
With time officially running out, people are starting to vocalize their thoughts and their concerns. Samantha tells Daniel that he’s the only one she cares about and she will choose him as her match again because, by doing that, she will be playing with her heart. That’s a sweet little moment, but it’s nowhere near as entertaining as when Cali plops down in the kitchen beside Andrew to randomly ask him one quick question: Is he not a sexual person? Please, thinks Andrew as he shoves chips into his mouth. Only when his mouth is fully filled with greasy carbohydrate fragments does he respond. “You obviously don’t know me,” he sneers. And then he follows up with some proof: “You ever see Fifty Shades of Grey? There you go.” Hooray! So this means that Andrew – a man who has shown little to no personality all season long – is actually a closet sadist with sociopathic tendencies and his very own private jet?! This is a very exciting development! Oh, wait. He means he’s just a guy who typically has very standard sex and once in a while he tosses in a lukewarm spanking to prove he’s dominant? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Anyhoo, now that it’s officially confirmed that Andrew is the single greatest Sex God to ever exist in this or any other galaxy, it’s time to revisit something we already knew: that Zack is a Garbage Person. And he’s pretty sure, this Garbage Person, that Morgan is his match – well, either Morgan or Cali – but he doesn’t actually have any feelings for Morgan because she hasn’t attempted to castrate him even once and it’s that fear-you-could-lose-your-genitals-at-any-moment kind of excitement Zack really craves. As for Cali being his backup girl, perhaps he has yet to hear the totally believable news that Cali is far too occupied to be his newest love since she is now Andrew’s submissive and she’s very busy learning her master’s incredibly complicated safe words (Red, Yellow, Christmas) that she will likely have to use never.
While Andrew is in another room – no doubt trying on some nipple clamps – Asia is setting up a round of Speed Dating. The girls will all pick a spot and each guy will sit with them for a while and they can maybe uncover some actual matches that will potentially result in them splitting one million dollars between twenty-two people. This Speed Dating thing is a great idea, one they probably should have trotted out weeks ago, but being pragmatic doesn’t come all that easy to most of this cast. The optimal question each Speed Dater should ask the person sitting before her is rather simple: What did you tell the MTV matchmaker you were looking for when you had your pre-show meeting? Because the thing is that it should not matter at this point if people who are actually into one another sit together at the last Ceremony. They can call each other when they get off the island and then stay together forever, but for now? It’s time to be nothing but strategic. As for how the Speed Dating goes, well, it goes a little something like this:
Asia and Tomas agree people should never stop growing as individuals. They also agree they have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever.
Lauren pushes Kwasi on the lone swing he didn’t beat with a club after his last bout of frustration and rhapsodizes about his imaginary levels of sweetness.
Jasmine tells Zack all about how screwed up her last relationship was. Zack stares off into nothingness because he likes to look at things that define him.
Ready for the best one? Okay, so it turns out that Bria and Cam both enjoy nature and they both believe in God. As for Cam’s love of all things Trump, Bria typically sees herself as a Democrat, but there are “some things” Trump says that she agrees with. Never mind that she is not even a bit specific about what those “things” are. Never mind that she is a walking f*cking calamity. Never mind that the idea of she and Cam together is patently and simultaneously laughable and nausea inducing because, much like Trump, these two aren’t all that into minor shit like facts so they wander away from this conversation wondering if maybe they are meant to be.