-We enter the cocktail party and Colton has a toast to give. “Any expectations I had, you blew it away (I mean, it is one of the best looking casts they’ve had, but really, what’s he gonna say? “Man, I’m kinda disappointed in this crop of women. I wish some of you weren’t cast.”)…so excited to start journey (that I begged and pleaded for)…fell in love with Becca (don’t forget Tia too in a matter of a few months)…grateful for her though (I’m sure she hasn’t lost a wink of sleep over you)…people say I might not be ready (and they’d be right)…but I’m ready (no you’re not)…hopeful to be standing in this room tonight with my wife (Bahahahahahahahahaha, you’re funny Colts)…to new beginnings, taking chances, and falling in love! (to fabricated storylines, selling your soul to the devil, and liking someone a whole lot only to have them tell you they’re not ready to be engaged!).
-Erika really wants to know why Colton is a virgin. Like, really wants to know. It’s bothering her, as I’m sure it is most of America. “It’s just so weird.” Different? Yeah. Weird? Eh, that would constitute something being wrong with it. IF the dude is really a virgin (which there already is talk out there he isn’t but I have no idea if that’s true or not), then he obviously has every right to be. And his answer is pretty much what we expected him to give to her. “My personal life took a backseat when my professional life took off…I’m not waiting for marriage, I’m waiting for the right person.” Yes, so we’ve heard. Now according to Chris Harrison, this conversation he has with Caelynn on her 1-on-1 in Singapore lets us in a little bit more on why he “is the way he is” and “how this came to be.” So lets see how that goes and then maybe we’ll dive a bit more into this. Until then, just keep making nut jokes at Erika’s expense.
-Hannah G. gets some time and the do breathing exercises together, something he said his mother taught him. I think. I just eye rolled James Harden style when Hannah actually compared his nervousness on night 1 to an NFL game because, well, Hannah let me explain something. Colton never suited up in an NFL game. Did he play for the Chargers and practice with them? Yes. Did he do the same with the Raiders? Yes. But was he ever there ready to go on the sidelines in uniform on a Sunday possibly asked to get into a game? No. But God forbid they don’t shove down our throats the “professional football player” angle like he’s Tom F***ing Brady. Enough already.
-Caelynn’s turn to woo Colts and she tells him she moved from Virginia to North Carolina a year ago, loves traveling, favorite place is Thailand even though she got dumped there, and that…wait a second. So someone living in a state for a year can run (and win) that states beauty pageant? I mean, seems a liiiiiiitle shady if you ask me. You know, like maybe she lost x amount of years in a row in Virginia so she just moved south one state in hopes to win and voila! She’s their representative. Amazing how that works. Caelynn is the first to mack down with Colts and yes, I just used the phrase we used back in the early 90’s to describe making out with someone. Damn I’m old. “Dude, did you mack her last night?” “Totally.” God we were stupid.
-The first impression rose is brought out, and for the 37th consecutive season, everyone in the mansion acts like this is the first time they’re seeing it, they have no idea what it does, what it represents, or even if it has magic powers. I still cannot believe production makes this a storyline every first episode making the contestants explain the significance of it, and who’s getting time with Colt Cabana and who isn’t blah blah blah. We get it. It’s so forced and contrived, it’s hard to take the women seriously when they are intricately describing to us the audience the importance of the rose like it’s a life or death situation. Great. One of you gets a rose that guarantees your immunity from the night. It’s not that big a deal. But when it comes to this show, they kinda make everything seem like it’s the most important thing ever in the entire world. In reality, Colton is just a dude who will pick someone at the end of this and they’ll never stay together and everyone’s lives will continue as always.
-Sydney takes him outside and waiting is a string quartet where she teaches him to dance in a square. Since Colt 45 has two left feet and DWTS isn’t coming back til the fall season, we can pretty much thank the heavens he won’t be appearing on that show. I think I would’ve been more impressed if Sydney had the NY Knicks team waiting outside for a pickup game, somehow brought back all of Becca’s dudes who were shooting hoops in the driveway night one, and we could’ve seen them probably skunk the Knicks 11-0. What I’m saying is the Knicks are bad. And that’s good for me since I may or may not have bet their season win total under 28 ½ wins this year. Just sayin’.
-Elyse goes fishing in a pool, Tayshia has “Tayshia Land” in the front yard and neither of these is particularly interesting to me. Although, it would’ve been nice if Tayshia Land had a spot where he ex-husband had set up a booth and Colton could go over and ask why they were barely ever married, who the Chase Olswang guy was that she posted so many pics with shortly after the divorce proceedings and what lies she’s going to tell the public about how they were “just friends” and “it’s not what it seems like.” Really? So three months after the divorce was filed she’s spending New Year’s with this guy and he’s hashtagging #love on it? Let me guess, he was the one totally in love with you and you didn’t reciprocate any of that and just went along with it, right? Gotcha. Sounds reasonable.
jlal
January 8, 2019 at 8:58 AM
I tried to watch last night, but just didn’t care enough. Flip back and forth between another show I like. I may wait until the final four to start watching again. Agree with RS, the first hour of crap was boring and totally unnecessary. Wondered about the Chris H. tribute too. Found the timing weird.
ctrealitygirl
January 8, 2019 at 9:46 AM
OMG! That had to be the most obnoxious episode of the Bachelor yet! When I aw that it was a 3-hour episode on the guide channel I wondered what they needed an extra hour for. I have to agree with Steve…all that fan screaming was awful, and SO unnecessary. I, too, had trouble following the show with all the interruptions, and finally gave up and went to bed and will attempt to watch the DVR taped version tonight. And, I have to say that the Bach alums who were “hosting” the live shows were quite annoying too – especially Blake and Jason. After watching them last night I wondered what I liked about Jason so much that I so wanted him to be named Bachelor. Could the two of them been more fake-excited about Colton??? To me they seemed to be trying too hard to convince us that they’ve gotten over not being chosen as Bachelor and over their “love” for Becca as well. Another observation: did anyone else take notice that during the segment with Bachelor kids that Sean & Catherine’s kids were not represented?? Isn’t Sean their poster boy?? I couldn’t help but wonder why they were left out. Very anxious for that 1-on-1 with Caelynn later in the season with the big reveal Chris Harrison keeps referring to.
joanne
January 8, 2019 at 11:28 AM
I didn’t watch any of it, but I can imagine how fake Jason and Blake were, pretending to be happy for Colton. Everyone who appears on this show milks it for all it is worth. I’m sure both will be on Paradise this summer.
So glad to have Steve’s blog for the recaps. I still love to read what happened but have no desire to actually watch it myself. I just may tune in for the ending though, if for no other reason than it really has not ended that way before.
adelina
January 8, 2019 at 3:25 PM
Thankfully I dvr this show because there was no way I could’ve made it through all of that drivel last night. They really are trying to milk the past contestants – between Kaitlyn, Jason, Blake, Ashley and Jared — the thirst is so real. I don’t think JoJo is as thirsty – so I purposely left her out. I guess I could say the same about Crystal and Goose, but heck, those two kids have grown on me. I think Jason and Kaitlyn are a perfect wannabe match made in heaven. Both think they are the most clever and cute.
It was cute to see the Bachelor babies. I didn’t need to see Ben. I also didn’t need to see a 50-something woman swoon over him like a school girl – that was an embarrassment. The Chris Harrison tribute was odd. Just odd.
I heard someone say that Colton looks like a grown baby. That is so true. He’s really no different than Nick Viall – both desperate for some type of fame but have zero in the personality department. Really just a couple of try hards.
I happened upon Bekah M.’s podcast giving a re-cap and I actually enjoyed it. She is brutally honest and I’m here for it. She’s clearly not trying to kiss anyone’s arse.
The only entertainment last night was the very predictable character of Catherine. She has clearly been cast for Paradise via Bach. She is so overly plumped and botoxed that she appears 46 rather than 26. My gosh girlfriend – too much.
nitejen
January 9, 2019 at 2:50 AM
I had to laugh Adelina when I read your comment because I was thinking the exact same thing on Catherine. These girls have some psych problems to even think they look good all pumped up and fake. She looked soo familiar to me and then I remembered. It was the 2004 movie with Hilary Duff, A Cinderella Story. Her step mom actress Jennifer Coolidge could be Catherine’s twin, you can google her and see what I mean. In the movie all she does is keep getting her face lifted and lips pumped she looks like a freak. It was an hilarious movie, And Catherine looks as old as that actress as well, a shame a woman in her 20’s looking all used up like that. As far as this train wreck premiere. Shows you how excited I was, I forgot it was even starting this past Monday, and I never forgot any premieres. I watched it on Hulu last nite and I’m glad I didn’t remember Monday. At least I was able to fast forward through all the wanna be stars.
screenname
January 10, 2019 at 2:50 AM
Not really surprised that they dragged the show out for 3 hours, this show is ~50% filler all the time anyway. They spend more time talking about what they’re gonna talk about and what they’re looking for and why they are there (spoiler: it’s to find love), than showing actual conversations. I honestly sometimes enjoy the “blooper” moments at the end of the episodes more than the actual show where you get to see normal conversations/people’s personalities. This show would be more entertaining if the didn’t only show the “love” conversations with cheesy background music, or the contrived drama between the villain of the season and the other women.