I know a week and a half ago I gave you your episode-by-episode spoilers in Podcast #109, but as I said in that podcast, your written version was coming. And here they are today as they always will be posted before the first episode airs. That’ll never change. I just decided to do something different this season and add them in podcast form as well. There are probably some things I may have said in the podcast that I forgot to include in these spoilers, and vice versa, there’s probably some stuff today that I never mentioned in the podcast. Not big stuff, but little things here and there. One thing the podcast didn’t have was the episode 1 spoilers as I didn’t watch episode 1 til last week. Those are broken down for you today and everything you can expect to see on the premiere. For those that didn’t listen to last week’s “Reader Emails” podcast, the Jan. 7th “live” premiere next Monday doesn’t mean we actually get 3 hrs of footage from night one. The first episode is the same as it’s always been. Except in the first hour they’re on the air, even though they haven’t given many details, there will be watch parties in different cities, Chris Harrison will be hosting one of them, they’ll interview alumni from the show, have video updates from couples in the franchise, etc. That’s what will make up the first hour. At the end of the first hour is where you’ll get Chris saying “And here’s some of the women who you’ll see on Colton’s season,” they’ll show the intro videos, and then the show will begin after that. It’s basically gonna be like Chris Soules premiere if you remember that red carpet event, except it’ll be watch party footage from different cities instead of everyone being in one place.
I put the air date of each episode in parentheses, but since this has a weird ending this season, all I did was just put the date of every consecutive Monday starting next week. We really don’t know yet if they’re doubling up on any week or how this ending will be shown, so keep that in mind.
I watched episode 1 last week, so here’s what you can expect to see…
Episode 1: (airing Jan. 7th) Los Angeles, CA. (30 to 23)
-Here are the 8 women who got intro videos (in order shown): Cassie, Hannah B., Katie, Heather, Onyeka, Nicole, Kirpa, Demi. Here was the main thing I took from each video:
Cassie: Shot at the beach. Beach girl. Beach, beach, beach.
Hannah B.: Has a southern accent that rivals Raven and Tia’s.
Katie: She’s a dancer.
Heather: A virgin. Has also never kissed a guy. And met Colton this summer in SD and took a pic with him that they show. She said the meeting was only about :15 seconds. This was spoiled months ago when I confirmed her as a contestant.
Onyeka: Parents from Nigeria. Are part of her video package talking about love. She says she’s not afraid to speak her mind and let people know what she thinks.
Nicole: Family is very big to her. She has an autistic brother.
Kirpa: She’s a dental hygienist so they show her at work working on some patients mouth. Dentistry runs in her family.
Demi: Lives outside of Dallas but works in Dallas. Shown riding tractors and dealing with animals.
-Chris Harrison talks with Colton at the mansion about the backlash of him being named the “Bachelor” and Colton says he’s read the negative feedback (because of course he did), but all he can do is just be himself. He feels he’s ready, he feels he’s learned a lot and blah blah blah blah. Gives every cliched answer you’d expect him to give. I don’t care who they choose in any season, just as long as their IS a season. That’s always been how I felt. And while I understand WHY they chose Colton over Jason and Blake, lets make no mistake, the dude isn’t ready for anything serious in his life, this is strictly to improve his brand, he’s absolutely eating up the fact he’s the “Bachelor,” and the guy would do anything for the role. He knows it, others know it, and he may or may not have told others his intentions. The guy is a fraud. I’ll leave it at that. But hey, at least we get a shit show of an ending this season. Should be quite a doozy.
-Your limo entrances (in order shown): Demi, Tayshia, Heather, Nicole, Caelynn, Sydney, Elyse, Tahzjuan, Cassie, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Katie, Alex D., Onyeka, Erika, Hannah B., Tracy, Angelique, Devin, Revian, Nina, Alex B., Bri, Laura, Hannah G., Annie, Jane, Catherine, Erin. Here were some of the memorable entrances:
Demi: Says “I haven’t dated a virgin since I was 12” and everyone in America becomes totally confused by that statement.
Nicole: Speaks Spanish to him saying half her heart is in Havana, and the other half is with him. Is she a Camila Cabello fan?
Caelynn: At the time was the reigning Miss North Carolina USA and Miss USA runner up. Wears a sash that says “Miss North Carolina” on the front and “Miss Underwood” on the back.
Sydney: Tells Colton she quit her job to come on the show. Her job was as a NY Knick dancer.
Cassie: Says she has so many butterflies, so she gives him a box of butterflies. They’re all dead.
Caitlin: Gives him a balloon that’s supposed to be shaped like a cherry and pops it. Colton thought it was an apple.
Katie: Has a deck of cards, Colton picks a card, she takes it from him, has “V” on it, so she says she just took his V card.
Alex D.: Arrives in a sloth costume, and every time we see her, she talks (and walks) suuuuuuuuper slow and I’m sssssuuuuuuuuuper annoyed already.
Erika: Her last name is Mcnutt, so she brings him a bag of nuts. Insert joke here.
Tracy: Arrives in a police car with the siren on. Says she’s a fashion designer, but tonight, she’s part of the fashion police. Also brings handcuffs which Colton says “lets save these for the fantasy suite.”
Alex B.: Is sick and can’t speak, so she has everything written on cue cards.
Hannah G.: Brings him a box of his favorite underwear and it’s empty. It’s a reference to when he said on Paradise he doesn’t like wearing underwear.
Right before Catherine’s limo entrance, they cut to an ITM of Caelynn saying, “I’m waiting for that one girl to come and stir pot. Where’s that bitch?”
Catherine: She arrives with her dog Lucy and gives it to Colton to take care of. He basically gives it to Chris Harrison and we see shots throughout the rest of the night of Chris walking Lucy in the driveway.
Erin: Last arrival. Shows up in a horse drawn carriage and leaves her shoe like Cinderella.
One thing to note after all the limo entrances is that Hannah B. acknowledges the fact that she competed against Caelynn in Miss USA and lost. And now she’s competing with her again. That’s the foreshadowing of what’s to come this season. There was no mention of the fact that they were roommates at Miss USA or what happened. That happens in episode 3 at the pool party.
-Demi is the first woman to grab him at the cocktail party after his toast. Nothing spectacular happens. Just tells him she works in Dallas (at Pottery Barn by the way), but lives in the country area.
-Erika grabs him next and wants to know why he’s a virgin. She thinks it’s weird so she decides to straight up ask him. He said when his professional life took off, his personal life took a backseat. And he’s not waiting for marriage, he’s waiting for the right person. One funny thing is when Erika pulled him away, she asked if he remembered her name and he said no. Even though she gave him the bag of nuts because last name is Mcnutt. Yeah, apparently made no impression on him since he remembered neither.
-Hannah G. asks him what’s more nerve racking: the Bachelor or an NFL game and I almost spit my drink out. Honey, he’s never seen the field in an NFL game. In fact, he’s never stood on the sidelines in a uniform during an NFL game, so lets lay off that narrative. He tells her when he gets nervous, his mom always told him to take 3 deep breaths. So they hold hands and take 3 deep breaths and she says she feels better. Whatever floats your boat I guess. Afterwards, we see an ITM of Hannah G. talking about kissing him and how important that would be, but she doesn’t. Yet. But guess who’s up next?…
-Caelynn tells him she’s from Virginia but just moved to North Carolina a year ago. Wait, you can live in a state for a year and already win the Miss NC USA title? Wow. Nice rules. Then again, I’m assuming she moved to NC because she lost in Miss VA on more than one occasion. Nothing wrong with taking advantage of a silly rule. I mean, I know nothing about the pageant world other than some things I’ve learned since this season started filming because of Caelynn and Hannah B., but you’d think to represent any state as their representative, maybe you shouldn’t be allowed to win if you just moved there because you lost in other states. Just sayin’. Anyway, she tells Colton she loves to travel. Thailand is her favorite place, and they make out.
-The first impression rose is brought out and for the 37th consecutive season, everyone starts doing ITM’s about how important the first impression rose is and what it means. You know, because none of us have a clue. Such an old storyline. Sydney takes him outside and she has a string quartet set up where she teaches him to dance in a square because he basically has two left feet.
-Elyse is from Alaska so she fishes. She takes Colton to the pool in the backyard and they briefly fish and, uhhhhh, catch a fish that was thrown into the pool.
-Tayshia brings him to “Tayshia Land” out front that’s set up like a mini carnival with games and what not. He gives her a piggyback ride.
-Sloth girl is back. But thank God she takes the sloth head off and talks to him like a normal human being. Well, if a normal human being talked 100 mph. She was speed talking telling him a bunch of things she likes. Maybe she should’ve stuck with the sloth gimmick.
-Then we get Catherine who says she doesn’t feel like there’s much competition there, which is a classic “Hey, the show is focusing on me to make me the early villain” line. Laura interrupts her and Catherine ends up coming back to interrupt her back. Then Onyeka interrupts Catherine with a snorkel and a whistle saying, “I heard you were drowning in some bitches.” Later on, when Caitlin is talking to Colton, Catherine interrupts her, which then brings up a bunch of “Some women haven’t even gotten a chance to talk to him yet and Catherine has more than once” which happens on the first night of every season ever. This is the most tired, repetitive storyline from night 1 every year.
-So Onyeka (because she has no problem telling people how she feels), pulls Catherine aside to tell her how she’s coming across by constantly interrupting people. Catherine thinks she’s barely had any time with him, Onyeka thinks otherwise. Basically nothing gets accomplished in the conversation, and then when Tahzjuan is talking to Colton, Catherine steals him away for now the 4th time she’s spoken to him on night one.
-During Cassie’s alone time, she teaches Colton “You’re cute,” “Rose,” and “Kiss” in sign language since she’s a Speech Pathologist.
-Katie gets time with him and talks about family and how important they are to her, then they make out.
-Hannah G. gets the first impression rose and he tells her she reminds him a lot of home. They kiss as well. So if you’re keeping track, they show him kissing Caelynn, Katie, and Hannah G. night one.
-Then a few ITM’s as we head into the rose ceremony:
Nicole: (crying) “I put everything on hold to meet him…”
Erin: (the one who arrived in the horse drawn carriage) “I will be sad, I’ll be upset if I don’t get a rose tonight…”
Tahzjuan: “If Catherine gets a rose tonight, it’ll drive everyone crazy…”
Rose Ceremony Eliminations: Revian Chang, Erin Landry, Tahzjuan Hawkins, Devin Gooden, Alex Dillion, Laura Pellerito (was notified after my podcast by a few readers that I only listed 6 eliminatees from this episode. Laura was the one I’d left out), and Jane Aver.