-Bachelor Camp group date is up next and…yiiiippppppeeeeeee!!!!!! Who didn’t like camp back in the day? Fun times with strangers who you bonded with then said you’d be lifelong friends but then never heard from them again? Good times. I never went to “camp” like that before, you know, the outdoorsy ones. All the camps I went to were basketball camps. Although, before 8th grade I went to Student Council camp at the Claremont Mudd colleges in CA for a week since I was President in 8th grade. That was interesting. I remember being miserable and the camp counselors had to pull me aside and ask why I wasn’t having a good time. And honestly, I can’t remember why I wasn’t. But for some reason, I remember my counselors names: Miss Nystrom and Mr. Gaona. Thanks for whipping my ass and make realize the world wasn’t ending in 8th grade. After that, I competed in the Lip Sync contest and people loved it. So there. I did have fun. I think.
-Anyway, Colton’s camp with the 12 women was a tad different than my experience. He like, got to make out with chicks and stuff. And they played Duck, Duck, Goose, which I felt was pretty age appropriate for that group considering most of them were just playing that at recess a couple years ago. Then the big surprise, Billy Eichner joined the date and the women went crazy like a watch party in Week 1. Kidding. They golfed clapped when Billy was introduced proving that none of the 12 had a single f’ing clue who he was. I mean, is Billy the most popular comedian out there? No. But he’s not a no-name either. And his “Billy on the Street” YouTube videos have been watched by millions. I thought millennials would know him? Apparently not. Because that blank stare from 24 eyeballs was as telling as you could get. Not a single clue on any of their faces. As for an openly gay man making a comment about how maybe Colton could be the first gay Bachelor, I mean, that sure was interesting since the show is very well aware what a lot of the public’s perception of him is. To leave that in there in the final edit seemed to be a nod to those people.
-They did a bunch of camp activities like put an egg on a spoon and do the three legged race and a whole bunch of stuff you did at Field Day in 8th grade. Why couldn’t they pass the apple under each others chins or something? Spice things up a bit. I mean, who of us wouldn’t have wanted to seen some necking in this episode? Get it? Necking? Apples? I kill myself. Whatever the case, it came down to a battle of Tug-O-War and the red team won. The yellow team had to go home and, well, the last time we had to deal with a losing team on a group date, Krystal had a hissy fit they got to stay and we got “Needledick” out of it. So needless to say, this group date was quite uneventful. The yellows just put their tail between their legs, walked off in dejection, and headed straight back to the mansion while the reds just danced around and popped bottles of champagne like it was a 2 Chainz video – without the strippers and hookers.
-At the after party, Colton started to get his make out on. First up was Katie, who was one of the three women we saw him make out with on the first night. She told him, “You make me jittery.” Colton in return: “You make me jittery too.” Then they made out. Wow. Riveting conversation I tell ya’. This man sure knows how to woo em’ with his words. Just repeat what they say and it never fails, Colton. No wonder why this guy is Rico Suave with the ladies. What game he has. I know the first night Katie told him she was big on family and he said he was too, then they made out. Then this happened last night. Man, I cannot WAIT til their next conversation. Katie: “I like pizza.” Colton: “I like pizza too.” Immediately followed by tongues being mashed together like they’re angry at each other.
-We get a quick shot of Tayshia making out with him before they bring us to Heather who not only is the token (female) virgin of the season, but she’s also never kissed anyone in her entire 23 years on this earth. Sure, it’s a little odd, but you come on this show and talk about that, you can bet your ass it that storyline will be beaten to a pulp. Maybe Heather doesn’t care, but I hope she realizes the sole reason she was cast on this season was because of that. I don’t think because she spent :15 seconds in the past meeting Colton at a SD event and took a pic with him had anything to do with it. Plenty of people have met Colton out. She’s a virgin, she’s never kissed a guy, Colton is a virgin – BAM! You’re cast! It’s very simple. They had a moment for a second after she told him where there was a long pause and maybe you were thinking they were gonna kiss…but no. This show is gonna hold onto that for as long as they can. And Heather will basically talk about it every episode until she gets her 1-on-1 date when it happens. Then the seas will part, fireworks will go off, flowers will bloom, and it will be the most uneventful make out we’ve seen in a long time. God help them if it was anything like these two virgins first kiss:
