-Lets get started. Since we basically had a week off last week due to their BS recap episode, it’s time to return to our regularly scheduled programming. Yes, your TV guide might’ve said “The Bachelorette” last night, but lets be honest, it should’ve said “The Luke P Show with a Side of Lets All Hate on Jed’s Douchiness.” Because that’s all this show is now. Letting Luke P continue to dominate every single thing even though he only appears on group dates, and everyone else just giggling and smirking at anything Jed does now in light of the recent stories, text messages, and pictures shared by Haley Stevens. I mean, how can you not just shake your head at or, well, completely laugh your face off at anything this guy says or does on camera? I know I can’t help myself.
-Hannah is in Latvia and she’s ready to put all the drama behind her and get ready for what’s ahead. Hannah: “I want this week to remind me of why I’m here…I want a man that fights for me…remind me of why I’m loved.” That’s an excellent perspective to have, Hannah. Totally on board with that. What if I threw this caveat in there? Would you also be interested in a man who writes love letters to his girlfriend the day before he leaves for filming? How does that float your boat? Make you all tingly inside that days before he left, he’s in the Bahamas exchanging “I Love You’s” with her, then two weeks later declaring his love for you and spouting cheesy ass lyrics to a song he made up probably for her but played it off like it was for you? That get you all excited? Well, this is your life, Hannah Brown. Unfortunately.
-Her first 1-on-1 is with Garrett and she talks about how Garrett “has been slower to open up.” Translation: He’s going home soon. Look, that’s not being mean, that’s being realistic. You’ve seen her straddle, mount, climb on top 3 of these 9 guys left – Peter, Jed, and Tyler. She does that for no one else. I’m sorry, it’s not a coincidence those are her final three. But since they try and give as many as they can 1-on-1 dates, and Garrett was higher on her radar than Dylan and Dustin, Garrett gets this date where they will be naked bungee jumping. Well, sort of. Earlier yesterday, Hannah released an IG story stating this:
“My no-no square touched nobody else’s no-no square.” ?? she’s too pure ? pic.twitter.com/dSmNc2UH28
— Natasha (@mauinatasha) June 25, 2019
Yes, that’s the first time I’ve heard it called a no-no square. And if we’re being technical, is it really a square? I’d say more of a triangle. But hey, what do I know about shapes. Anyway, she took off her bra once they were about to jump. But it’s not like she ran around with her top off or Garrett even saw her exposed. They were already pushed together hugging each other at that point. And then her video says she had bottoms on. So yeah, it’s not really that hard to figure out that both of them were clothed in their nether regions. So this constant fight all episode long about Hannah and Garrett naked bungee jumping just wasn’t accurate. Yet, the show perpetuated this lie to advance their storyline. Old, tired, worn out, and just nonsense. Yet, how much of the episode was based around this lie? So stupid.
-That’s five bungee jump dates that immediately come to my mind when thinking about this show. Juan Pablo/Chelsie, Jason/Molly, Jake/Vienna, Colton/Tayshia, and now Hannah/Garrett. Were there more? If there was, I’m blanking. A few mentioned Sean and Sarah Herron, but they didn’t bungee jump. They did scale the side of an LA building, but it wasn’t a bungee jump. Maybe there were more than those five, but if there were, I’m blanking on it. Whatever the case, these two did it, there was no sex mid-jump because lets face it, that would be incredibly hard to do. And the fact there were snow flurries that day during this date, I’m guessing even getting hard would’ve been an issue for Garrett. Lets move on, shall we?
-Garrett really went hard for the bungee jump/love similarities. “You hold on for dear life, you trust each other, take the leap of faith, and hope something good happens in the end.” Wonderful. What producer fed him that line? Very possible the producer that fed every other past contestants who did a bungee jump roughly the same line of how they can compare it to love. But it was after this where Garrett really became a wordsmith. So we’ve heard people on this show say, “I’m starting to fall in love with you,” “I can see myself falling in love with you,” “I’m falling in love with you,” and “I’m in love with you.” Garrett brought a whole new phrase to the game. Try this one on for size. Garrett: “I’m falling in love for you.” Huh? Whaaaaaa? I don’t even know what that means. So Hannah is falling in love with other guys, but Garrett is doing it for her? Maybe? Yes? No? I don’t have a f***ing clue. Should she say “you’re welcome” to that? I’m as baffled as you. But Garrett got the rose and now I’m dumber for it.