Season 5, Episode 6 – “Homecoming”
-If you listened to Larry Mollin on the podcast, you heard him talk about A, B, and C plots in episodes. Well this episodes two main storylines (the A and B plots) were kind of clunkers. It was almost like he referenced about having 2 or 3 of those a season. This might’ve been one of those episodes. Not saying those two plots didn’t serve a purpose, but they were one off storylines that began and ended in this episode. Those are the episodes where I usually think they just needed filler. Because most other storylines (Dylan and Val, Andrea and Jesse, Brandon and Kelly, Donna/Griffin/Ray, etc) all continue throughout the season. But these two didn’t. They were President Quintero from made up nation Selanesia coming to visit Clare’s dad, the Chancellor of CU, since they’re old buddies. And then the kidnapping of CU’s rival school mascot, Bruno the Bear, from (another fake college) Southern California University. Yeah, that’s what we’re working with here. It ain’t pretty.
-The basic premise is Steve, leader of the KEG house, needs to follow in the tradition of stealing the rival school’s masot, Bruno the Bear, during homecoming week. Hence the title of the episode being “Homecoming.” Get it? This fake university is Southern California University which, while it may sound like USC, is said in a way which it isn’t because they couldn’t say the real USC.
-Brandon is at the Chancellor’s house and he meets President Ferdinand Quintero of the made up country, Selanesia. Yeah, there’s a lot of made up shit in this episode in case you couldn’t tell in the first couple minutes. Quintero and Chancellor Arnold were buddies back in college, and Clare looks up to President Quintero having spent a lot of her childhood hanging around him. And if they’re gonna have Clare tell us that, you know this is headed somewhere not very good. Maybe this episode could’ve been one of those, “On a very special episode of 90210…” intros to it because, ummmm, this storyline is completely out of left field and kinda dark.
-Wanna talk a little sexual repression? Well, here’s Andrea and Jesse bringing it to you yet again. We’re at their home, Andrea is frisky and wants a little action, while Jesse is too busy with his head buried in law books. You’ll never believe this, but it leads to yet another argument between these two. Jesse even has the balls to say to his wife, “A good bartender flirts with women customers.” Did he EVER read the guy’s handbook of what not to say to your wife? Apparently not. What we’ve all seen as viewers this season is now actually brought to the forefront by Andrea: she tells him she’s worried about them as a couple. No shit, sherlock.
-I forget the name of the group on campus that comes to Brandon, but a couple students approach him and say they heard he was hanging with President Quintero from Selanesia and was he aware of 450 incidents of torture under his regime in his company. They are upset the student body president is associating with such a man, they don’t think he should be on campus, and they are calling Brandon the Chancellor’s lackey to his face. Well, he is alright. No argument there. If Chancellor Arnold could have a son, I’m sure it’d be Brandon Walsh. Arnold loves Brandon. Like, a little too much if you ask me.
-Ray goes and meets Donna on campus and tells her that his construction work at CU is done. Ummmm, in a week? What exactly were you even building Ray? Whatever. Considering we never really see him do any construction work the rest of the time he’s on the show, I think we can overlook his construction background. Donna tells him she already has a boyfriend, that stiff Griffin. Ray asks if it’s serious. Donna says she doesn’t know yet and asks for her phone #. Yep. Those were the days. Big deal to get a girls phone # back then. And get this? You actually had to call them and have a conversation about it.
-Dylan and Val are talking about their relationship and Dylan doesn’t like the fact that she knows he’s broke. Well then maybe you shouldn’t have told her in a drunken stupor you dolt. Then again, when you’re blinded by the sex like Dylan is at this point, I’m surprised he didn’t give her his social security and checking acct number.
-Brandon is back at the Chancellor’s house for some hotty totty dinner party, but there are 12 students outside protesting and chanting “Quintero Kills” over and over. The next day at school, those same two students confront Brandon again, and this time he’s with Clare, who wants to hear none of this about her dad’s buddy. Ahhhh yes, these students are from “Human Rights International” on campus – yet another made up name for this episode. Is anything real anymore?
-Donna is officially swinging with two guys now, Ray and Griffin, and tells Kelly to cover for her. She heads out with Ray in his truck. Another scene where music is cut because as the scene in the truck starts, he takes out a cassette and says, “Think it’s ready for MTV?” Well I don’t know Ray, due to copyright issues, we couldn’t hear any of it. Dammit. Someone needs to fix this. She puts it away in the glove compartment and sees a knife in there and it freaks her out because Ray hasn’t told her where they’re going it’s a surprise. Now Donna thinks that surprise is her being chopped up like a steak and fed to wolves. But alas, Ray is not a knife wielding murderer – he owns a Pumpkin Patch! Pruit’s Family Pumpkins, and good lord, Ray is about as down and out as you’d expect. A pumpkin patch? You mean a business that’s only around about 30 days out of the year?
-Back on campus, and the Human Rights International students will not let this go and confront Brandon again. This time they have a gardner on campus join them in a meeting where he talks about being tortured back in Selanesia under the Quintero regime, even taking off his shirt showing tons of whip marks across his back. Shit’s getting real for Brando, now. Those students want to serve Quintero papers, but they can’t get close to him since he’s protected by his secret service. But you know who CAN serve him? Brandon Walsh! Last episode he’s having to have a stern talk with Val about pot smoking and now he’s in the middle of an international incident. Isn’t this a bit above Brandon’s pay grade? I get what they want him to do, but geez, he’s been the defacto president of the school for like 15 minutes. Ease up on the guy.
-Andrea is at the laundry mat on a Saturday night because, well, what else you gonna do when your bartender husband is out flirting with women for bigger tips? Duh. She needs change for a dollar, and a nice man named Peter gives it to her. Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn!!!!!! Peter is quite flirty with Andrea and she seems to enjoy actually being given attention by the opposite sex so she’s down for a little laundromat flirtation.
-So we haven’t even spoken about Steve, Kelly, Griffin, and Donna’s plan to steal SC University’s bear mascot, which is guarded by two frat boys during all hours of the day. Well, Donna is off galivanting with Ray the Pumpkin Patch owner, so they’ve included Valerie in on this scheme. Their genius plan is to give the guys guarding the bear brownies with laxatives in them. Oh boy, this plan ALWAYS works. The ol’ laxative brownies are gonna do the trick. Hopefully.
-Cut away to Donna telling Ray she’s supposed to be helping their friends tonight, but she’s having too much fun with Ray, a pumpkin patch, and goats. Don’t ask. She says she doesn’t want to leave. Ray kisses her and now Donna and Ray are kinda a thing, even though Griffin the Stiff is still in the picture.
-Brandon tells Clare about Quintero and the papers he has to serve him. Clare tells him if he does this, she’ll never speak to him again. Brandon is torn. Like he is in most episodes. The student body president for all of 5 minutes now has to decide on Clare’s friendship (along with her Chancellor dad) or doing the right thing and calling out a fake president of a fake country for torture. I told you. This A plot is kind of a drag and depressing.
-Andrea comes home from the laundromat and Jesse the Romantic has a candlelit dinner prepared since he realizes his marriage is currently circling the toilet. She’s reluctantly happy he did this, but when he walks away, we see her pull a piece of paper out of her jeans and it’s Peter’s number from the laundromat. Andrea wants to let her freaky side out, and NOT with her husband. Uh oh.
-The heist is on. Kelly and Val approach the students guarding the mascot, say they’re sorority girls from SC University, have some extra brownies made, and the guys being dumb as dirt, take them, then run straight to the bathroom, not thinking in a million years this could be a trick. Steve and Griffin then just stride in, wheel the bear away, and that’s all it took to steak another university’s mascot. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought this plan was concocted by a 3rd grader.
-Brandon decides to meet with Quintero and serves him the papers. Quintero responds, “You did what you had to do, just like I did.” Honestly, I still don’t quite understand this storyline or what lesson was learned in all this since Quintero seemed to not care about the fact he was torturing people in his own country. Yay?
-After the heist, because Val can’t go one night without taking Dylan’s pants off, she heads over there and he’s got another girl over. Val storms off knowing that she’s not the only one now in Dylan’s life. Think that’ll stop her from going back? Of course not.
-We’re on campus at the CU pep rally and they unveil the stolen bear from SC University. Griffin says he misses Donna, Val and Kelly seem to make up since Val helped out with the heist, and the episode ends with the gardner thanking Brandon for his help in putting Quintero away. Or whatever he did by serving him papers. Look, I told you it wasn’t a great storyline. You were warned. Brandon Walsh is a man of the people I guess was the moral of the story. Or that you shouldn’t eat laxative brownies while guarding a mascot. Hell if I know.
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