Ben: He made sure they took a deep breath together. Spoiler: Ben lasts awhile into Tayshia’s season and he has a backstory that I don’t know gets revealed or not. I gotta believe it does, but he suffered a very serious brain injury while in the military. Keep an eye out for that.
Riley: He’s a lawyer so he tells her his final verdict is that she looks beautiful in her dress. I’m worried about our court systems when a lawyer tells us that the lawyer is the one who comes to verdicts. I believe that’s the jury, but hey, what do I know?
Kenny: He figured that he’d
be a producer puppet wear a shirt with a picture of Clare’s dogs on it to earn some brownie points. Because I’m sure he had that printed and done himself.
Tyler C: Man, talk about being behind the 8-ball just because of your name. If you’re named Tyler C and you show up in a station wagon Clark Griswold style and you aren’t Tyler Cameron, you might as well go home. Hey Tyler Cottrill, didn’t you know that Tyler Cameron walks on water and can do no wrong? How dare you try and show up this season and be the new Tyler C. Shame on you.
By the way, Tyler Cottrill is the one guy who I didn’t have getting eliminated on night 1, nor by Clare in general. Gee, maybe I would’ve been able to notify you of that earlier if I’d seen the first episode early per usual. Booooooooo.
Bennett: He shows up in a Rolls Royce and every single fiber of this guys being screams he went to Harvard. I’m sure that won’t be mentioned 1 or 100 times this season.
AJ: Maybe nerves got to him, but he squeezed Clare’s hand so hard, he pushed her ring into her skin and hurt her hand. Whaddya’ know? AJ didn’t make it past night 1. I guess it’s true what they say about first impressions.
Easy: Jumped through some paper that said “Your Future Husband.” Take a good look at Easy because I don’t think you’ll be seeing him in this franchise ever again. Some serious allegations against him arose on social media last night. I spoke with the woman involved. Not good. I’ll leave it at that.
Jay: Jay showed up in a straight jacket because he was crazy for having to wait X amount of days for Clare. Or something like that. Which is fine. However, to say in the straight jacket all night? I mean, I guess you gotta commit to the bit, but that seemed a bit extreme.
Chasen: He showed up in an iron suit. I don’t really think anything Chasen does this season even matters considering he’s already been seen in the same IG video as Becca Kufrin and Sarah Coffin promoted him on IG as well.
Demar: Showed up in a parachute because he was “falling for Clare already.” We know the “Bachelorette” is back in when we get lines like that. Coronavirus, shmironavirus. Things are back to normal now!
Ed: He rolled up in one of those plastic bubbles that you roll around in and bounce off your friends. Also, used during Juan Pablo’s season on a group date in New Zealand (that Clare wasn’t on), when they went “zerbing.” Fun fact to impress your friends and mistresses with.
Cocktail party thoughts on Page 4…